Foxy Lady

No Black and White Tales

2010-11-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

It was supposed to be a slow Sunday today.

SUPPOSED.

It wasn't though.

I had to go to the hotel/chapel with Samuel who arrived on Friday to Australia. He's been working nonstop on the whole wedding. I'm guessing he's become best friends with everyone at the hotel because they call him Master Samuel. Not only that, but he removed the white streak from his hair, making him look like a celebrity. He's 6'6 and thin, knows how to dress and he's all about designing and photographing; Sammy's a total model.

Oh sorry. Strike that. MASTER SAMUEL.

"This wedding will be absolutely gorgeous. The wedding of the century!"

I laughed. The idea of ME, Lucille Marie Delton, getting married still seemed rather strange. Somewhere deep inside, I was still the 16 year old teen who was terrified of ever being committed. Strange that I could change so much and that now it's all I wanted. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was totally in love with my future husband, or that it gave me peace to know that I would be starting a family with the man I loved.

"Earth to LUCY!" Sam clapped his hand next to my ear.

"Yes! Listening..."

"Time to confirm everything...."

I took out my Ipad and glasses and nodded.

"Flowers, tables, music, decoration, dresses, ambience, seating, guest list, priest, rings, vows...." he continued reading for at least 10 more minutes with all the details of the whole event.

"Check to everything."

"I can't believe we're done a month early."

"We have been working nonstop for the past six months. Oh! Did we call the caterers about the food?"

"That's all organized too. We've got plates coming from France. Your grandmother said she'd only be attending if she got that fancy "poupoubleh" whatever.... in the menu".

"I know. I told her that she shouldn't feel forced into coming... but Eric managed to get the whole clan down here for the wedding. The complete hotel is reserved...."

Samuel rolled his eyes. "Ah... Eric Delton... ever the caveman... if it's not BIG he can't do anything."

"Anyways... the fact that they will ALL be here, puts a little pressure on me."

"Pressure on you?" Sammy quirked his eyebrow "All you have to do is come to the wedding and look pretty, and read your vows... and say I do. How hard can that be?"

"With 50 plus Deltons starring at you... it can be hard."

"But you want them here, don't you? This will be the moment where they all acknowledge you. You're marrying well... forget that, hon. YOU are marrying. That in itself is teaching them all a lesson."

It was my turn to shake my head and roll my eyes. "You know what. I want the big wedding, and the champagne, and the music, and the whole package... but most importantly, I just want the wedding."

And that's the truth.

~Sniff~

2010-10-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Blogger:

In 2 months 1 week and 1 day I'll be getting married.

But it feels like the world is coming down on me.

The wedding is in Australia, the invitations have been sent out already.

~sigh~ But I'm so nervous. I wanted the fairy tale wedding, but now I'm even wondering if that's what I want at all. I get hives just thinking about really... getting married...

And then I remember my 16 year old self who used to whore around with everybody and hated the very idea of commitment. God... I'm getting freakin' cold feet and the worst part is that I have no one with whom to talk that about. Everyone is too busy with their own troubles.

Worst of all... it's been so hot these days. It's as if the heat is getting to me and driving me crazy.

I'm not sleeping... and I'm not eating. And for a woman that was raised in Italy, the latter is terrible.

I want to cry. I justwant to. I'm feeling ever so lonely and I can't do anything about it. I just want to run away, but then I breathe and remember that I love him and that this, whatever I'm going through is normal.... (or so they say in the Knot).

Everything is ready... the chapel, the decoration has been set, the china, the music, the everything... all that's left is to get married....

Excuse me now.... I think I'm going to be sick

Boo-hoo

2010-09-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have JUST deleted my twitter account.

I feel a little bad about it because I honestly did it on pure impulse. One minute I was looking at my twitter page (I had last updated it 48 days ago) and I was realizing just how miserable my tweets were and then "click" -Deactivate.

Next thing I see is the little tweet bird in the far right corner of my screen with tears in its eyes and a whole lot of letters giving me all the reasons why I should NOT quit, asking me if I'm really sure I wanted to delete the account.

Well, of course I'm sure. That's why I clicked deactivate! I finally click the same option once more and another pop-up window appears asking me ONE last time if I want to deactivate it and asking me once more for my password.

By this point I'm not even acting on impulse. I'm just staring at the screen. Are you kidding me? Again? Are they TEMPTING me to screw up with their whole system? Cause I will.

Ergo... I'm back to having no twitter. :P

Talking about that... did you know that there is actually a Social Networks Suicide machine? Yep! There is! It will permanently delete you from twitter, facebook, myspace, etc. It's called Web 2.0 Suicide Machine and you can find it here: http://suicidemachine.org/#

Personally, I think the machine is hilarious. It's slogan? "Wanna meet your real new neighbours again?" I mean, there are various way to delete yourself from the internet. I could tell you a few. But that someone actually came up with this idea on their own is just ingenious. There IS a problem. So many people are trying to socially suicide at the same time that the machine can't process that much info. Nonetheless, it's interesting that people actually want their real life back.

Me? I don't like social networks that much. I like blogger because I write and that's entertaining, but I don't even have a Facebook. Well, neither am I interested. Take it from someone who knows... whatever you put in the web stays in the web and it leaves traces... and we can find you if you want.

See that warning INTERPOL launched today about the risk of terrorist tracks if the Quran was burned? We tracked that. Yeah, they still call me sometimes to lend a helping hand, but I'm working freelance. I'm like their consultant. Which is great. It gives me time to work on the store, there's moving going on again, the wedding, etc.

That was what I had to say for myself today.

Bye now! :3

Family History

2010-06-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

Whao. It's been a long time since I last wrote, a very long long time.

A lot of things have happened since then. Among some things, I moved to Marseille, France because of obligations with the INTERPOL. Then I got out (just like Ashton Kutcher in the movie "Killers"), I work solo mio in the missions I want when I want, which also gives me time to keep designing and working on my own line of fashion. I fell in love evert day all over again with my one year boyfriend, Ethan Stokes. We went to Disney, and then during the Spectromagic parade, while the night was full of lights, he asked me to marry him.

That's right, on June 1st, 2010, I, Lucille Marie Delton Alexandier, became engaged.

Now, I'm writing from my laptop in South Africa. Yes. I am here, watching the 2010 FIFA World Cup. I am a fan of Italy and I sure hope they kick ass. I officially gnawed my way through a pillow when I read the news this morning and it said that goalie, Gianluigi "Gigi" Buffon was injured and would not be playing in the rest of the matches.

Anyways, that is not the point. Currently, my life is VERY busy with work (yes, I do it sometimes, though I work to live not the other way around), planning the wedding (which will be on December 19th, 2010), and basically organizing just about everything.

Ethan, my fiancé, is nowhere to be seen or found tonight. He said he would go out with some friends from Australia who are here for the Cup and he'd come right back. Trust a man to never understand the meaning of "right back". He'll get his fill later.

I have much bigger problems. Turns out I'm not the only Delton here. My... father... decided to drop by and congratulate me personally on me getting engaged. He also asked once more for eternal forgiveness, and for a chance to walk me down the aisle. I downright refused his offer. I wanted Eric, my brother, to do the honors. Nonetheless, after I made an estimate about just how much we'd spend on a wedding, I changed my mind. If he wanted to make up for ignoring me, practically selling me, and abandoning me, paying all the cash in the world plus some, seemed like a good idea.

Though a little overwhelmed by the magnitude of the event's numbers, he agreed almost immediately. That was enough for me. I wouldn't hold too big a grudge after such generousity, but he thought that wasn't enough. He thought I deserved an explanation and he invited me out to dinner. It was my turn to hesitate, but eventually I gave in. I would be a bad person if I didn't at least listen to his story.

That is how I ended up with my dad, Keith Edward Delton, in a cozy restaurant in Johannesburg.

"Lucy, I think you deserve to know the truth."

That was never good. Listening to him make petty conversation for at least an hour wasn't good either, but I was letting him talk, while I sipped some very strong Whisky Sour (call out to my girl, Vero!)

"I'm listening." I put the glass down and tried smiling. It was a little hard. As I looked at him, I could only thing that whao, Eric was an identical copy of father. It was very possible Eric would look like him when older: handsome, rogued charming good looks, sky blue eyes...

"I'm sorry for being a bad father."

Sorry doesn't quite cut it, but the wedding expenses sure will.

"I should have been there for you. It was just... very complicated. I was young, and I didn't want the responsibility. I was a party boy. I didn't want to marry. I wasn't ready for a kid, and less alone was I ready for two. It was too much...."

"You're just like Eric." I interrupted him "Fear of commitment... Party Boy...." I sighed "If you're going to tell the story, just start where you should: the beginning. How did you meet mother? What exactly happened? And why did you marry if you didn't want to?"

He paled a little. "Your grandmother."

Yeah. I should have seen THAT one coming.

He sighed, brushing his hair back; it was an identical gesture that Eric would unconsciously inherit.

"We were three Delton brothers: Maxwell, the oldest. Albert, the middle one. And then there was me. Maxie was the heir. His life was cut out for him. He had absolutely nothing to worry about career wise. Albert was kind and he had chosen to help the family out of his own good will. He had his life pretty much set too. I, on the other hand, was the youngest. I lived to party. There was absolutely nothing that could control me.

Then, in the most unexpected moment, I had completely and totally fallen in love. It was amazing. I'd never felt that way. It was... life changing."

I blinked "Whao... mom really caused an impression on you, didn't she?"

He paled a little more.

It was my turn to gawk. "You're not talking about mom, are you?"

He slowly shook his head. "I fell in love with Lillian Crawford, Maxwell's girlfriend."

I stared perplexed at him. "Leonardo's MOM. You FELL IN LOVE WITH LEO'S MOM!? The rumors are TRUE!?"

"Ssssh! Lower your voice. It's true. And believe me when I tell you, Lillian wasn't exactly turning a blind eye towards me either. We REALLY liked each other, we were thinking of eloping and everything..."

"What happened?" I was horrified, but curiousity took the best of me.

"I met your mother, Eleanor Christine Alexandier." He paused as if remembering. "I'd always thought Lillian was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, but even my lovestruck eyes recognized that Eleanor was astounding." He looked at me. "She had jet black long hair... beautiful bangs that covered part of her face, hazel eyes that bordered on gold, full red lips and white porcelain skin. I'm telling you, she was a vision. She moved those long legs and swinged her hips as she walked, that she left many a man on her trail."

I'd seen mother's pictures. She was breathtaking beautiful. Dad, however, did not describe her with longing or passion, he just painted her image as if she were walking beside us now.

"But..." He looked at the table "She was a real bitch."

I should've been really bothered about that insult, but I had lived it myself, just how cold she was.

"She was ambitious, and she didn't care a flying fuck about hurting people to get her way. She had been orphaned when very little and she'd inherited a fortune big enough to take care of world poverty. She used her influence and money effortlessly and always got what she wanted. In this particular case, she had transferred to our school with one particular goal in mind: me."

"Why would she have wanted YOU? You were the family's disaster!"

"Why thank you, daugther, for those wonderful words... The thing is that Maxwell's fate was setted in stone. I'm sure Eleanor had tried convincing Mother that she would be far better a wife than Maxwell, but Mom smelled her ambition a mile away. She couldn't have Eleanor in a position that could outweigh her. So... mom dumped her on me. Before I had anything to say in the matter, Mother had agreed that Eleanor and I would be the perfect match."

"But you were in love with Lillian."

"Yeah, and I was also in love with my lifestyle. I loved the cars, the houses, the trips... if I did anything against the Deltons I'd risk a fate like you dear cousin's, Leonardo. And you know what? I was 18 and I wanted to do whatever I wanted."

"So you broke Lillian's heart and married Eleanor?"

He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, and then he finally nodded. "I entered a loveless marriage with Eleanor. And things worked fine at first. We never even saw each other. I went away, and she'd do whatever the hell she wanted. Eleanor was incredibly smart. I mean it."

I quirked an eyebrow. "How smart?"

"Very. But she couldn't care less about smarts. She was busy living the life she'd always dreamed as a Delton."

"It seems like things were working out pretty well..." I almost downed the Whisky Sour.

"They were.... until Lillian got pregnant and had a baby boy."

That would make sense. Mother would've stopped being the spotlight and the attention would be drawn to first male born and heir of Delton Industries Ltd.

"It became your mother's obsession to have a boy too. She was desperate. She hated the idea of giving childbirth but hated the idea of living in Lily's shadow even more. I was also desperate because I could no longer keep doing what I was doing so far with her complaints and my mother's and the pressure I was getting from everybody for being the good for nothing son. I had started working at the Industry, Eleanor was exhausting... it seemed like I was suddenly trapped. It was my fault. I got there on my own.

"We tried having a child for a while, but I hated the idea of even sleeping with her. It was harder yet comi---"

"SKIP THE DETAILS"

"Anyways.... after it all, you were born."

I didn't know how to feel. It was all too strange. I had a daughter. I wasn't ready to become a father. I didn't even know how to hold you... you were little and fragile and....

"Well, you should have tried." I glared at him. He stopped talking and looked at me at a loss for words "We're not born parents. We learn. We learn from our children how to be good parents. If you had stayed around long enough you would have known that."

"I know that now." He sighed "Then, a year later, Eric was born. However, your mom was far from satisfied. She was set on making Eric the star of the family. She believed that if he proved to be better than Leonardo, he would be named the heir."

I sighed. "I know... she gave Eric everything. Everything and a little more." There was a slight tone of resentment in my voice, but I tried to hide it.

"Lucille... I'm very sorry. I know it was hard. Instead of being a good father, I kept trying to recover the life I had when I was 18... I saw that your mother was indifferent and uncaring and instead of stopping it, I turned a blind eye towards it all.... I regret that so much..."

"Why did you send me to the Institute?" I looked at him.

"I thought that it would be the one place where you would be able to explore your potential. I saw you solve that Rubik's cube in less than five minutes... at what? 6 years old? It was a toy to you... it was... incredible. The Institute seemed to be an option... a place where you'd get independance from the Delton world."

And I did get it.

"The night of the accident.... we weren't even driving, we had a driver with us. Trying to evade a truck, he lost control of the vehicle, and next thing I knew, we were plunging into ice cold water. I don't know how I survived the fall..."

"How did you get out?"

"I had the window down... I was actually smoking myself a cigar.... When I was in the water, I reacted immediately... and got the hell away. To be honest.... I did feel sad that Eleanor had passed. I wished I could have saved her."

"And then you saw you golden chance..."

"To do what I couldn't do before: FREEDOM. No Deltons, no attachments.... It was easy to get another identity. Being a Delton you know people in the lower circles... and they know people, and I had stashed my savings into various accounts under other names during years. Getting a new life was not hard...."

I was furious. My blood boiled. "Well, I'm glad you got exactly what you wanted..." I stood up and was about to walk away when he grabbed my wrist.

"The loneliness was overwhelming. I had never appreciated my family until I was completely alone in the world. It was bad... and I regretted how foolish I had been. I never stopped caring for you or Eric. I loved you. And my realization came late, when I was deep into the neck in trouble... but it was there. I regretted not spending with you those important moments. I regret not watching you bloom into the beautiful woman you are now, more beautiful than your mother in her hayday. I always followed you, Lucille. When I read you'd been promoted in the INTERPOL, I was so proud. I didn't know how to come back into your new life. I was scared. But I don't regret this. Appearing again. Even if you hate me. I don't regret holding my daughter's hand and begging her for forgiveness. I will spend every day of my life making up to you the mistakes I have made. Please."

I couldn't help the fusion of emotions that circled through my body. I was still angry (less angry), but sad, and also touched. His words seemed honest. I wanted to cry like a little baby and shove myself into his arms. But it was so hard.... I softly placed my hands on his shoulders and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

"Goodnight, dad. We'll talk tomorrow."

He didn't stop me. He just nodded, and kindly smiled at me. I took a cab. Halfway through the trip to the hotel I had ruined my makeup and as I got to the hotel I was a disaster. I eventually calmed down as I took a bath and felt the water on my skin.

Forgiving was not easy. I couldn't hold a grudge, though. Not after what I'd heard. How many times had the Delton lifestyle pushed people towards madness? Lillian had eventually killed herself... Eric's new reign as the Delton Industries CEO was just starting to change everything, and everyone was becoming truly united. But things hadn't always been hopeful.

So I decided to write the story and reread it various times, and hopefully find the strength to accept the things that I cannot change and the courage to changes those that I can.

Take it all Away

2010-01-31T21:10:00.000-08:00

I am not a sane person.

I'm not.

Whether it be because of my parents, my family or circumstance alone, I've developed several personality traits that are unique, mildly disturbing and just very problematic.

People don't see this most of the time, because I usually won't give people THAT much time to get to know me to reach the point where they notice these particular faults. A while ago, I just smiled and cut them short. It was good because people always thought I was a great person, but it was bad because I didn't really give people the chance to reject me when they found out how totally nuts I was. It's HILARIOUS.

Those who have continued being my friends through thick and thin, sometimes deal with huge mood swings, split personalities, and an unhealthy amount of drama which, let's face it, would scare the T-Rex from Jurassic Park back into the cretaceous period.

Just to be clear. I'm not bipolar. I just happen to like two very different things, which at a certain point one calls for the other. I love modelling, designing, and decorating. That's the artist part of me.

I also happen to love computers and technically... I'm a geek in the body of a hot model. That's what it basically amounts to.

Just in case though... I took the personality quiz.

It turns out I'm a ENFJ!! I am "THE GIVER".

:O Whao. This test is pretty accurate. I'm reading it and it turns out I'm not the only weirdo like me out there. That makes me feel MUCH better.

ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially important for them to spend time alone. This can be difficult for some ENFJs, because they have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts when alone. Consequently, ENFJs might avoid being alone, and fill their lives with activities involving other people. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.

That is SO TRUE! OMG.

Scary.

Anyways. My original point in WRITING this post was simply to thank the people who Do deal with me in a daily basis. If it weren't for you people I'd be totally crazy (and not just HALF crazy like I'm now). so thanks! :)

Ethan, love you baby! <3

Wonderland

2010-01-25T20:32:00.001-08:00

I've just returned from the most wonderful weekend with my boyfriend, Ethan.

It basically seemed like a late Christmas/Birthday gift from God!

Well, truthfully, the week ahd begun a tad bit on the wrong side. We'd had one of those dumb little fights that basically ignite from nowhere and turn into something and then you wish you'd never brought anything up. That kind of fight.

But, as they say, from everything bad you learn a good lesson. In this case, it was much more than a lesson, it was a firm committment. We both agreed that we were passionate towards each other and that we also had a high level of intimacy and that we were halfway to reaching a perfectly balanced and secure level of committment.

It started off by me meeting his parents, Jack and Amber. They are if not, the most incredible people I've ever met. They're kind, joyous, extremely nice, charming, and sweet people. Amber is downright admirable (a marine biologist), and Jack is the owner of a shipping company (or in Amber's words "the captain of a bad ship"). It was endearing. I fell in love with them immediately. Maybe it's because my family is so very out of the ordinary that it felt wonderful to meet them and get that warm sense of belonging. They stayed over for a week and then returned to Australia.

Then came the plans of going to the beach.

It was wonderful. Foxy Lady was in Wonderland. For starters, I loveeee the beach. I love the beach because I love beach fashion. I love wearing bikinis and showing off my sexy body! :D I also love wearing those beautiful and cute beach hats. I love beach sandals, dark glasses, and of course the rubbing sun lotion part of the deal. The beach is perfect! Point period! I love the feel of the sun against my skin and enjoying the cold water (and in my case, the going into the beach and having a swim with most probably the sexiest man evah, aka, my boyfriend).

Of course, the beach wasn't without incidents. My father decided to show up along with some friends. I'm not too comfy with my father yet, but he's making a grand effort of being "the best daddy" and proving his worth. He's doing a pretty good job. I can't complain. I didn't give Ethan too much time to prepare for THAT. But, my father isn't as big of a deal as meeting my brother. Now, THAT, will be an event (Eric Delton is as possessive as they come with me, his little sister, though I'm older than he is).

Anyways, it was fantastic.

Right now I love my life more than ever. I really really do.

Lyon

2009-12-14T20:09:00.000-08:00

I am moving to Lyon.

Exactly three days before Christmas.

It already feels like my insides are freezing and the whole world is moving a little bit slower. I never liked France much, except for Fashion in Paris. I will miss the Italians, Italian food, Italian way of thinking, Milan itself, my apartment, and even my ferret (I can't really take her with me, I'm taking a new job and I won't be able to attend to her like I did before).

I have to plan now what I'm going to take, how I'm going to take it, and I'm just out of it. I can't really put my thoughts in order. I can't really decide what's coming up next.

I am moving to Lyon.

Another start again. Another place, new people, new challenges. How many more times will I have to start over?

I'm moving to Lyon, goodbye home.

Little Kids Who Play With Fire Get Burned

2009-11-30T19:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Darling Gossip Guy:

The following photos have been taken for you. I don't think you did me justice in the pictures you posted in your site. I AM a model/fashion designer after all. Let me clear things out, shall we?

I might be crazy:

And I might be locked down in a relationship:

But Boring?

Oh no Darling... BORING?

Never!

Got milk?

Tee-hee!

XOXO

Lucia ~

A little fall of rain

2009-11-28T21:47:00.000-08:00

I'm the sex goddess.

I've read the books. I know the techniques. I have the practice.

I know how to make men beg; how to enslave them until they cannot think of anything else, but me.

Other than that, I'm a total mess when it comes to men. It's one thing controlling their "ahem", but it's a totally different matter knowing how they'll respond to things or what to say to them or... AH!

I love my boyfriend. And he said he loved me too. So far, so good. I had never reached this point in a relationship. As in NEVER.

Now I don't know what to do, but I feel messed up and insecure. I know. Just like me to be dumb. I finally have him. I finally have the person I love there next to me and he returns my feelings and that thought alone makes me feel so warm inside. But at the same time I'm so very afraid, as if this was just a dream and I will wake up at any given moment.

~sigh~

It's pointless. To think about something endlessly. I love him. I am totally in love with him. The way he smiles at me. The way he cups my face. The way he sleeps and eats. His personality. His laugh. The small things that make him him. When he touches me I melt and when he's not with me I feel void, empty. This is crazy, isn't it?

I feel like I want to be cuddled by him. He can make these fears go away.

He said today "let's get married". Has he gone insane? Does he knows what marriage implies? Is he willing to take on that? And just like that! Because it's the fashionable thing to do? Because everyone is doing it? This just gets me more worried. I feel a little sick right now.

What do I want? I want him. I want to wake up with him every morning and go to sleep with Ethan by my side. Even if we just met, I want him to be there, share together, I want to cook for him and pamper him, and when he gets sick I want to make it better. I want to be his companion, his friend, someone he can trust, someone he can come home too. It's so basic what I want. I want to start a new life with him. Marriage? It's scary, but of course I want it. But I want to be sure he wants it too.

That's it!

Proove you want me, Ethan! I'm the prize, come and claim me! Do everything you can to win the contest!

I'm so pissed now. (yeah rapid mood changes) --->

We haven't had sex in a week. To make matters worse, he won't even be here for my birthday. Now I'm sad :(

I'm such a drama queen. I want to hide inside the bed covers (and that's exactly what I will do). Buuu.

Not Nice Lady

2009-11-11T16:21:00.000-08:00

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was go into my computer lab (aka the one room where I become a cloned female version [with human interaction skills] of Sheldon Cooper). It's a room I originally designed to be my secret virtual office/playground, my to do hacker/cracker work. I hadn't used it in a while because I had been very busy with designing and baking. I had promised myself that the next time I did something illegal, it would be fair game, in my legitimate defense.

I sat down, took off my contacts, and grabbed my extra chic glasses from inside the drawer. I had entered the room with the biggest bag of Potatoe Chips that you can imagine, a large coke bottle, wearing skimpy little caramel colored short and a sexy tank top.

I laughed to myself a little as I sat in front of the three computer screens now surrounding me. As I turned on the server, the whole room lit up and I felt a little nostalgic.

By 4:00 pm I had personally talked to Johnathan and had given him some friendly advice about not to mess with me or all the data he had ever recollected would be erased in a matter of seconds. I did wipe out a bunch of documents and "negotiated with him".

"If you want to see them again, stay away from me for a while..." I told him, and his face was an eerie mix of anger and despair. It was the kind of look I'd seen before when you told a grown man that his vast inheritance had disappeared in a matter of seconds. I cleaned my nails as I spoke with him through video conference. Yeah, I know. KLASSY. "Let me explain a bit of how this goes, Johnathan. Physically, you might have the upper hand, but intellectually, you've stepped into my world. I don't take it kindly to be threathend and let alone shot." I raised my view and smiled at him. "Now the moment of the truth, so you get some insight."

He didn't say a word, just stared at me.

"I have no doubt whatsoever that someone will one day replace me, probably in about two hundred years or so when inferior brain such as yours evolve into a respectful IQ. Meanwhile, I remain the sole creator of a perfected AI software. Ironic much, I created the software, not because I got lucky, Johnathan, but because I was so desperate for a friend at the Institute, that well... it came out of necessity." I smiled. "Thankfully, I don't know where the software is. It has brought me much more trouble than any benefit. Rest assured that I would have destroyed it had it ever come back into my hands. So... as you can see, your little alpha male demonstration was just a big waste of time. I might be a lot of the things you said I am... but... the difference this time..." I looked at him "... is that I don't care."

I saw him clench his jaw, then he smirked slightly. "Some of the Royal family's private information is inside the documents you currently possess. I'm sure you wouldn't want to hurt Richard."

"You give your brother a valid explanation why the information is gone." I glared at him. "Stay away for 365 days Johnny Boy. If you even ATTEMPT to get close again, I will destroy the data. And you know that unlike with human lives I have no guilt whatsoever when it comes to wipe outs. Bye bye, Johnathan."

I ended the video conference before he even had time to reply.

Taking my time, I cleaned the room, turned off all the equipment, and returned to my living room. I started yet another video conference, but this time from the TV and with my dear brother.

"Lucilleeeeee!" He exclaimed happily.

"Ericcccc!" I laughed.

Suddenly, he frowned. It took him less than two seconds to figure it out and took me three seconds to realize how stupid I had been to appear wearing a tank top in front of Eric.

"What happened to your arm?"

Well, aside from being shot, it was fine. The bullet just grazed after all... This giant band aid is just a la mode. "Well, it's a long story..."

"OH, I have PLENTY of time, Lucille Marie."

I rolled my eyes. Soon enough I was telling him how I had gone to practice at the shooting range and an idiot had accidentally shot the gun outside practice area and it had just luckily grazed my shoulder. For a second I thought he wouldn't buy it, but alas he did. He complained about little security and such, but a moment later he was talking about random things.

As good brother should, we spoke daily and shared everything that had happened. Well, the things that we could share that had happened.

"Say, Lucy... I'm planning on making a Delton reunion Saturday. Will you come?"

I laughed. "We Deltons are a clan. If you, our leader, summons us, how can we resist?"

"Well, we'll all be there. I've already spoken to most of the members and they all agreed. Even Leonardo is going. This is important. Our family's prosperity and happiness and stability is essential." He looked serious. He was extra handsome when he was serious. I was so proud of my baby brother.

"I'll be there." I whispered, smiling at him fondly.

"Not only that." he winked at me "I want you to share the seat next to me. As the leader's sister you uphold a position of great power among us all."

"HAHAHAHA! I'll be honored." I took out my tongue, teasingly "I live to serve and love my family." It was a slogan grandmother had continously repeated to all of us.

Eric laughed loudly, and winked at me. "ODD. I LIVE TO MAKE MONEY."

Our conversation instantly brightened my day.

Beat them to the Punch

2009-11-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

I spent the entire day cooking. Hopefully I would make a delicious cake that would make Marie happy. Halfway through the day I was covered in marshmellow and chocolate. I felt delicious and smelled like if I'd been stuck inside a bakery for a whole week. Sweets were never my favorite, but being surrounded by sugar made me feel strangely giddy.

Until I heard the knock.

I shrugged. The thing about my apartment building is that the lobby guy won't let anyone he doesn't know go up to my floor. Security is the finest and I'd trusted him a long time ago with plenty of information, so we were close. He still wouldn't stand up to help me with my groceries, but it can't all be perfect.

"Hello?" I opened the door.

Never. opening. the. door. without. asking. again.

"Good evening, Lucille Marie."

Okay. So it had been a fair amount of four weeks since my chest had constricted and I felt my heart being tugged violently. I thought I was over the worst kind of trials. I mean, I was heartbroken, but I had slowly picked up part of the pieces. I was still picking... but I wasn't about to go back into a depression of any sort. I was in control of my head.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I whispered. I was not in control of my temper.

His blue eyes trailed my body from down and up. He brushed his dyed dark hair back and casually let his bangs fall upon his forehead. He was smoking, like he usually did, and he stared at me as though he were a king looking down on a subject. He would've been king had he been born two minutes earlier.

"That's the kind of welcome I get?"

"The kind of welcome you DESERVE is a stake through your heart, if you have one, Johnathan."

John chuckled. "Oh Lucille... mind if I come in?"

I slammed my hand against the door. "You're not allowed in."

He smiled, flashing white teeth. Deliberately he pushed and slammed me against the door and went in.

I bit my lips, looking at him. If John knew how to be something, it was to be exceedingly cruel.

"I don't take no for an answer, Lucille. I thought you would know that."

He had that look in his eyes: the look when you know he is capable of anything. John was Richard's spymaster, working inside the Interpol until some months ago when he conveniently switched back to his brother's side and had been playing several strings behind the curtains. I had seen him at his kindest time, but I had seen him at his worst time. Compared to Richard, John was pure evil. He had been capable of almost raping Veronique for the hell of it. He could treat his brother miserably one second, yet the other be by his side. He was capable of amusing and entertaining people, but he was also capable of killing, torturing, lying, and cheating. Ever since he had left the Interpol I had only heard the rumors of just how depraved he'd become. Nonetheless, Richard was keeping him extra close. Apparently he was doing his espionage job very well.

"I heard today's Marie Bellay's birthday. Is it a cooking contest?"

Better be cooperative in order to find out what he wants. "It's a cake-a-thon. Everybody's supposed to take a cake."

"Comic." he whispered.

God. Get out of here. "Johnathan... what do you want?" My nearest gun is under the living room table. If I dash, I'll reach it in no time.

"What else do I want?" As if reading my mind he walked towards the living room table, took the gun from under its hiding place and disarmed it. "I want to talk with you for a little while."

And to think that I would've ended up with this guy. And I would've, because he was kind to me and he cared for me, and loved me. That love soon turned into hate when I chose yet another man before him. He walked away cursing my soul and wishing I would burn in hell. Hell hath no fury as a Wilbatten Royal scorned, huh?

I stood up, my bravado pushing me forward. "I can't talk now. I'm baking cake."

He scoffed and walked right up to me. "Lucille..." He brushed a strand of my hair away from my face and behind my ear. It gave me goosebumps. He slammed his fist next to my ear, missing it by inches. "You think I care about your stupid cake?"

I was paralyzed. This guy was scary. He was terrifying. Kick him on the balls, Lucille, kick him. But I couldn't because he had me trapped.

"How's my little whore doing?" he whispered merrily.

"Doing great. Can't you tell?" I whispered back. "What... do... you... want?" I glared.

"Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Terrified. Don't you see?" I met his gaze with my own and showed him that if he thought he would push ME around, he was dead wrong.

The next instant I had spat in his face, taken advantage of his momentary surprise to kick him hard in the groin, pushed him, dashed for the kitchen table and had my 9mm in my hand directed at him.

He laughed. "Not bad, Lucille. Not bad." he stood up.

"Not one step closer, Johnathan. I could cause the greatest of scandals for this one."

"But you won't. We have to protect each other's backs in the kind of circle we move in. Well, at least that I move in and you used to move in." He took out another cigarette. "Lucille." he looked at me "I hope you know you're shit. You're not worth anybody's time. You got lucky with one software and you're holding to that with everything you've got. But, you're replaceable, honey. You're disposable. You've been a trainwreck your whole life and now you're creating your own make believe life. You're a fucked up horrible person."

Motherfucking asshole. My hand slightly trembled. None of those words would get to me. None of them.

"I heard you got yourself a new boytoy. How long will this one last? What's the record in your book so far? Three months? Probably's with you because of your body. It's certainly not because of your personality since you have none."

"You're bitter and full of hatred and you should leave before I really deem to shoot you, which at this point would be the smartest thing to do."

"You know you're worst problem?" He walked towards me and placed the gun against his heart. "How very worthless you are."

DAMN IT! He grabbed the gun, turned it around, pushed me once again, this time towards the floor and pointed the gun down at me.

"Where is the software?"

"I don't know." I answered, glaring.

He charged the gun. "Where is the software?"

"I don't know."

He laughed "Are you really going to tell me you don't know where your own chip is? Your precious masterpiece? The one thing that you can pride yourself on? You don't know?"

I shrugged. "You can inject truth serum into me. The answer, I swear, will always be the same. I, Lucille Delton, don't know where it is."

He nodded and looked at his watch. "You do realize I won't rest until I have the hands on that chip?"

"Why would you want it?"

"In a political world the strongest country has the power."

"Why now? What makes you think *I* have it? It was taken from me in the institute. I don't have such a thing."

"Rumors fly fast, and the rumors are it never left its creator's hand."

"I DON'T have it." I growled at him. "It was too dangerous for me to keep. They took it away years ago. I don't know its whereabouts now."

"Hm. Right." He glared down at me. "You're not as easily intimidated as I hoped you would be. I guess, I have no choice right now. You obviously want to get back into your fun little cooking joke. I have matters to attend to anyways." He pointed the gun towards my arm and shot. The bullet grazed my skin and I yelped in pain. "That's for spitting, your dirty slut." he laughed, threw the gun and left just as rapidly as he had appeared.

My heart beat fast inside my chest. No time to think of what happened. No time to think at all. I ran towards the bathroom, covering the bleeding wound. Don't look at the blood, try not looking, you're terrified of blood. No fainting, Lucille, no fainting. I quickly applied alcohol and did the first aid procedure on the wound. Luckily, nothing serious. No bullet into skin, just graze, just a superficial wound. When I was done, I slid down onto the bathroom floor.

When had I stopped carrying around any type of protection? Was I forgetting that being an ex-interpol implied a lot of people around trying to use me as target practice? Maybe it was because it had been John who had done it that I had been so undecided. I stood up, left the bathroom and walked toward the living room. I opened a small hidden compartment behind the window and pushed the button there. Immediately a tiny screen appeared as a part of the wall turned inside out. I pushed my hand into it. The words "increased security" started flashing on it. I heard doors and windows lock. I saw various computer screens appear as video cams. Suddenly my feng shui apartment was becoming a completely technologically equipped spy room.

"So much for peace and quite..." I murmured. I had to be ready for anyone and everyone.

While I walked towards the kitchen I heard every one of John's words inside of my head. Nonetheless, I wasn't perturbed, I wasn't depressed, I wasn't even angered. I was numb. I sighed and made it my purpose to make the best cake I could. Even if the day had been shit, the night was sure to be better.

I hoped.

So you honestly think you can do it?

2009-11-01T14:00:00.001-08:00

I saw her break the column of bricks with just her hand and it genuinely made me wonder what was I thinking when I challenged her.

"I still don't get what exactly you're doing here." she turned towards me. She was sweaty and wearing a pony tail and dressed in her karate uniform, black belt and all.

"I thought you could give me a lesson. I mean, I know some basic fighting skills due to the INTERPOL training, but it would be nice to get some karate training too. I thought it would be interesting."

Caroline gave me a solemn look. It was at these moments were the ever so fashionable "poodle" looked the least like her self and I was sure her true nature came out. Carol was always dressed almost as impeccable as me (not LIKE me, I'm still the best dressed; I'm the fashion connaisseur). Now she looked like a plain tomboy. Even her C cup breasts were concealed behind the uniform.

"Karate isn't something you just want to learn, you know?"

"I know. It's a long time discipline. I just want some basic lessons. Everyone has the right to self-protection, no?"

She stared at me. "You're talking to me about RIGHTS and KARATE, the two things I know about the best." she shrugged "I guess I don't have a partner today and you'll have to do."

I nodded. "Alright."

She grabbed a set of nunchucks.

"You're USING NUNCHUCKS on ME!?"

"Obviously not, unlesss I wanted to kill you. I'm going to swing them around as I explain some basics points to you." She cleared her throat. "You have various things to your advantage. You already have basic combat skills, you're an archery champ, which allows you to find your certain, BUT, you don't know what your strength is."

"Yes... I'm continously being told that." I said, every word dripping with sarcasm.

Caroline laughed. "Well, not in THAT sense. I meant... in karate you must know two FUNDAMENTAL things... what is your enemies weakness and second, what is your strength. IF you can exploit them using the correct technique, you'll be fine. So..." she swung the nunchucks. "Come get me..."

I blinked, then immediately rushed towards her and kicked, jumped, evaded, punched, moved, did everything I could to hit her, but she blocked every one of my attacks with the bloody nunchaku.

"OWWWWWW!!" my hands and legs soared.

"You have good technique, but I can see you coming. I can read your movements like a book. You did not study my weakness. Now, take a minute and think about what just happened."

It didn't take me too long to realize that as she blocked with the nunchaku she was left partially open on the side that wasn't blocking. If I was fast enough I could at least beat her to it....

It took me about two hours to finally get what she meant and manage to hit her. Her technique was very different to mine. While I moved in straight and individual movements, she was able to perform an incredible amount of combos. I was stunned. At the end, she took a bottle of water and sprayed it over herself.

"That was some great exercise."

"You're incredibly good at it." I stared at her. I knew she was a champion, but I guess you never really relate the ever spotless and feminine Caroline Richardson with karate.

"I'm good at many things, Lucille Marie. You'd be surprised." She sat next to me.

"Is it true you dumped Leo in order to go for the tweetie title?"

"Technically yes!" she laughed

"God... are you really that competitive?" I asked, very much amazed "That you would give up your relationship in order to win the race? Isn't that rather... unscrupulous of you?"

She reclined against the floor, placing her arms behind her head. "I will always love Leo, and he will love me. But I know he's had something for Katzereine for a time now. I rather we not be in a relationship when anything happens. I'll give it to you, I don't like the idea, but you should allow a person every bit of liberties before tying him down."

I smiled down at her. "You really adore Leonardo, don't you?"

"With my whole heart and soul, until death due us part and eternity ends. I adore him. If I have to kill or lie for him... I'll do it. And if anyone gets in our way, I will destroy them. Destroy them like God they had wished they had never been born or imagined. He is mine and he forever will be."

My eyes widened. "For a second there, you had the same maniac look as Ashley..." I laughed.

"Well, we ARE cousins. And she feels the same way about Rink."

"Does Leo feel the same way?"

She smiled, and it was a knowing, age old smile. "Yes, he does."

And as if having being called he appeared before us; he was wearing a slight frown. "You're wet." He told Carol.

"It's the effect of suddenly seeing you." she smirked offering her his arm so as to help her up.

His frown instantly disappeared and was replaced with a sly smile. He took his hand and helped her up. "You know what I meant, Caroline." He held her close to him and they smiled at each other.

"Wait!" I stared at them "I thought you two had broken up?"

"So?" We're still living together and having incredible sex as always. No compromise." Carol smiled

"You two are... incredible..." I shook my head, slightly smiling.

"Of course we are..." Leo smirked "... it's us." and Caroline stared aghast as he had stolen, intentionally, the words out of her mouth.

---

After all that mushy mushy love and karate practice I felt soar and drained. It was exhausting to say the least.

I arrived home, fed Lilo and Nemo and then threw myself on the sofa. I had 19 messages: 3 were from Sammy, 2 from Eric, 2 from Chrissy, 1 very strange and surprising message from Ashley, 4 were from models from the studio, and the rest were requests orders for upcoming events.

I decided to return Ashley's. As one could've imagined it was all about how they need an urgent wardrobe and if I could do it. I accepted and hung up.

Next, I phoned Eric.

"Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... how's my beautiful and extra gorgeous big sis doing?"

"I'm good, but jeez, you can't imagine what I was up to..." I told him all about my day.

"You being as smart as you are, did you think it was smart going up against Carol inside her own territory?" he laughed.

His laughter was contagious. "Yeah. That was pretty stupid, but it was very very entertaining. I can't deny I had tons of fun!"

"Luce, you have fun placing with sticks and stones."

I flushed slightly. "Well... maybe I do..."

He laughed even more. "That doesn't make it wrong. You're just too cute, sis. Did you know that? I can't imagine just how entertained you get with Lilo when you let her out."

He was blatantly laughing at me. I crossed my arms. "Ha-Ha-Ha. Hey, you spoiled little brat... I have something to ask you."

"What?" and it sounded like he had been laughing so much he had tears in his eyes.

"Do you think I'm a hypocrite?"

"Hell no! Why would you say something like that?"

"Well, two people have said it to me already and well, I don't think so, but i'm not going to be attacking myself either, you know? You're always too honest with how you think."

"Lucille, I AM honest, and even though I love you crazily, I'd be honest with you. You're not a hypocrite, and if someone's calling you that maybe it's out of jealousy. You know how smart and sexy you are? Well, if they can't compete with you they'll try to hurt you. Don't mind them. People are supposed to love people they way they are. If they can't accept you, fuck them good."

"You're assuming these people were women... what if I told you they were men?"

"A real man wouldn't call a woman A HYPOCRITE and if he did, show 'em to me, cause I'll kick their ass until they're yelling for their mommy."

I laughed. "You do know how to make me feel better."

"But I will tell you this. You can't expect everyone to like you. You might be willing to make an effort and meet halfway with the people you meet, but others might not be wanting to do that effort. It's not bad that you like people and that you want to get along with them, but not everyone agrees to that. Inevitably, people will not like you. You shouldn't be discouraged by this. All the contrary, stand on your two feet proudly. You're a Delton!"

I smiled into the phone. "And I'm very proud to be one."

"So don't change. I love you, sis."

"I love you too, bro."

"Good. So... would you like some pasta for dinner? I'm thinking of taking your baby out for a ride and we might just go visit you at Milan."

"It sounds like a wonderful idea. I'll get dressed."

Survey

2009-10-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

So this is the second time I'm called a hypocrite. It pissed me off. I saw red. For a second, I thought of jumping across the table and pulling her hair. Why? Because I don't understand this reason why I'm a hypocrite.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of hypocrite is "a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings". So these people, the ones I've always said I admire call me a hypocrite? Haven't I always stated how incredible they are? Insecure I can deal with. I can deal with pathetic. I can deal with whore. But a hypocrite? Just because I like people. Just because I deem to see the good side of everyone. What is the necessity of having to be a bitch? It both depresses me to no avail and angers me like there's no tomorrow. I didn't want to belong to their group. I didn't want to belong with them or anyone else. Being part of the group is just further secluding people. I don't understand people. I just don't.

Anyways. I'm thinking that the best I can do is just keep on fighting for my beliefs. Not the sad little dimwit I was. If I want to be myself, if I choose to try and get along with people, then I have to confront whatever people say and prove that I'm not a hypocrite. Quite the contrary. I shall defend my convictions!

To distract myself I decided I would fill in some kind of survey and pass time like that:

Name	Lucille Marie Delton Alexandier
Birthday	December 8th
Birthplace	Montreal, Canada
Zodiac sign	Sagittarius
Shoe size	7 1/2
Skinny/Average/Pleasantly plump/FAT	Skinny
Righty/Lefty	Righty
Can you afford to lose weight	I put the fit in "Fitness"
Fave part of your body	My breasts
Least fave part of your body	None. I like my body.
Fave part on the opposite sex	MUST I answer? Well, to be honest: lips
Biggest Turn-On	Being dirty talked through whispers against my ear
Biggest Turn-Off	Stupidity
Describe the perfect date	Romantic ROMANTIC at the beach at night.
Top 4 qualities you look for in the opposite sex	Smart, Funny, Caring, Dominant
First Kiss	Don't remember
Are you dating anyone	Yes
If not, do you wish you were
Who	Ethan Stokes
Ever kissed a member of the same sex	Yes
Current Crush	Ethan Stokes
If someone really liked you, would you want them to tell you	Yes
Long distance relationship or no relationship	No relationship (it's not fair the other way around)
Coke or Pepsi	Coke
Cars or Trucks	Cars
Cats or Dogs	Dogs
Hot or Cold	Hot, always hot.
Pants or shorts	Shorts
Long sleeves or short sleeves	Shorts (but depends on the occassion)
What are you wearing right now	My pajama
What are you listening to	The Monsters Inc. move on TV
If you could have one wish, what would it be	I rather not say... :P
What is your favorite season	Autumn
What is your favorite type of music	Pop
Do you have a website	Yes. www.lucilledeltonstudio.com
Have you ever been in love	Yes
How many times	So far? Twice.
With who	Michelangelo Stocker and Christian Percy
Do you like camping	I think it's fun!
Do you like theme parks	Love them!
Indoors or Outdoors	Both
Favorite type of movie	Romantic Comedy
3 names you might name your son	Ryan (have no idea about the other two)
3 names you might name your daughter	Michaela, Elizabeth, Alexia
How many kids do you want	2 or 3
What age do you want to get married	26 or 27
What age do you want to have your first kid	28
Do you have any siblings	Yes
How many	1
What pets do you have (if any)	A goldfish (Nemo) and a ferret (Lilo)
T.V. or Computer	Computer
Do you play an instrument	No
Do you speak more than one language	Yes. Eight.
What are your 3 favorite sports	Archery, Gymnastics, Soccer
How many posters are on your wall	None
Hardwood floor or carpet in your bedroom	Hardwood floor
Is your room messy or tidy	Tidy
Would you let your crush or b/f in your room	Yes
Do you like to burp	No
Top 5 favorite foods	Risotto, Penne, Raviolli, Lasagna, Maccarroni
Have you been on stage in the last month	No
How many best friends do you have	One
Would you rather go to the movies or rent a movie	Rent
When was your last date	yesterday
3 Favorite things to do at home	Draw, Cook, and Computer
Swimming in the ocean or a pool	Ocean
Are you confident	Slightly moving towards confident
Do you like to take risks	Yes
Favorite subject in high school	Math
Least favorite subject in high school	None
Are you in high school	No, thank God.
Clothes shopping or grocery shopping	Clothes shopping
Do you have a job	Yes
Do you drive	Yes

Little Girl

2009-10-25T21:07:00.000-07:00

Today I went out to the movies to watch "Julie & Julia". I personally LOVED it, though some of the people within my group had vastly dissenting opinions. I decided I would buy the book the minute the movie was done. And I did! You see, I live on my own, and I cook my own dinners (sometimes lunch) and I find enormous pleasure in cooking. I also like cooking for the people I love and watching their faces change as they savour the food. It brings me so much pleasure. Nonetheless, I won't ever take cooking as a profession!! It requires so much time and dedication!! What I do is just for hobbie!

But... I can't wait to cook the beef bourguinon!! Or that delicious looking DUCK! I'm looking forward to it!

Changing the subject entirely, I've been so much better these days. I think life is moving at a steady pace and every time I'm about to get even the slightest bit down I imagine I'm a ninja headed for a secret mission and I have no time to be beating myself for the smallest of things. I'm happy. Things are working out for me at the store, things are working out in the friends department (kinda), and well, things are kinda working out in the relationship department. Okay, so it's not all working out through and through, but I'm on it. I'm doing the best I can.

Changing the subject again (yes, I'm quite the ADD girl, aren't I?), I still can't decide what I want to make for Halloween. I have plenty of options: bumblebee, pirate, goddess, angel, butterfly. I still haven't decided. The thing is, I make my own costumes, I design them, carefully make them and that way I ensure they are unique beyond belief. I don't take on orders on making them, because it's not something I commercially do, I just do it for myself. I have a beautiful idea for the butterfly costume, that's why I think i'm going for that, but I'm still not 100% sure.

A lot of people are dressing up as couples! :O I'm very much amazed (in a good way, mind you). Carol and Leo are quite a scandal wanting to go as priest and nun. Oh what the hell, Carol hasn't stepped inside a church for years, it doesn't count as blasphemy if you don't really believe in it all the way (though she says she does).

During a period of my life, I was very much like Kyle. I dated more than half the boys in the school and never broke up with them in a way that we were anything but friends. I still see some of my exes and they hug me and laugh and we take pictures and remember old times. I'm still wondering what I was thinking back then. I see those years from afar, as though another person had lived in my skin. I had a lot of sex and partied hard. I don't regret it either. I'm glad I did it, because you're supposed to be stupid during your teenage years. What I find hard to believe is that most of it seems like dreamlike. Maybe I should've taken some more time in actually trying to have a relationship. I know, it sounds like much regret, but this is just me thinking through. I was crowned queen of prom not because I had any real relationships, but because I was held as the most popular, utterly amazing girl, yet no one really bothered to get to know me. After high school was over and done, the whole thing seems like the scene of a movie you just saw once and barely remember, though you know it did happen.

My problem might be that I'm too nice it's almost not genuine. I say "SIGH" to this. I have my outburts, but I don't really dislike anyone. Maybe I don't know people enough to dislike them, but I like to think I'm like Julia Child! She was happy and nice with everyone and the only person who disliked her was that bloody director of Le Cordon Bleu. But... she was admirable!! People loved loved her. And she said so herself, that she really didn't dislike anyone (except the director). It's hard to dislike people when you find something splendid in each and ever one. It's hard to dislike someone, when you think that they might have their own reason, their own way of being. I'm so naive. I barely understand these hardcore interactions between people. I don't understand much because I lack the experience. And I lack the experience because I was too afraid to get hurt. Nonetheless I was hurt, life continues, and we all have to keep fighting. I didn't want to be seen as someone who hurt the rest. I wanted to be loved and cherished and thought of like a person who gave it her best and made it through. I wanted to be a source of inspiration. I wanted people to look at me and think 'now she's a shining star, she's a nice girl'.

And guess what? I'm none of those things. I'm just Lucille. But a vast amount of people hold me as incredibly talented. Others call me a bed goddess. Others refer to me as a porcelain doll. And I humbly think that I don't deserve the nicknames, but I accept them. I'm in love with these incredible people that keep me going. I cherish the fact that they see me as someone that they look up to. These are not the people that know me and share with me on a day to day basis, but they are customers, and exes, and people who I've shared moments with, that tell me that I did, in fact, change them for the better. To these people, I am very grateful. They fill me with joy.

Even the smallest of details will make me happy. Incredibly happy.

I'm just me. I'm complex, but at the same time, it's not all that hard to understand me. I'm pulling through, I'm one of you. I'm alive and trying to make it. I won't fail, I won't get discouraged. I'm a fighter. :) Bare with me.

Restart

2009-10-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

THREE DAYS AGO...

"Tell me about your father."

That sentence broke me out of my stupor. Entirely. It was as potent as a shot of Red Bull. I stared at Dr. Roselyn a full minute before I spoke.

"Really? REALLY?" I squealed slightly, trying to act cute and get rid of of the sudden uncomfortable feeling that had dawned upon me.

"Yes Really." She fixed her glasses. For a psychologist, she dressed right on. She had beautiful gold earrings that matched her hair. Her green, very penetrating eyes, stared at me intently. I liked her. I really liked her. She was nice, but this was the first time we were alone in a room. Usually we were having group discussions, which made it much easier to share just about anything. I sighed.

"I don't know where to start."

"Wherever you feel comfortable starting." she smiled at me "I'm sure you'll get the getgo the moment you start. You're a pretty good talker."

And that I was. Problem was that half of it was just random stuff I sorta included into the package to justify that I was happy and opening my mouth and emitting sounds because of it. I sobered.

"He was tall. And he had reddish hair. He didn't talk much, but he was really smart. He was my grandmother's favorite son." For a moment I paused, and then the words just came blurting out. "I hated him because he never cared for me. He just kept me there and fed me out of obligation. He never really looked at me. I was always trying to impress him, but he would just brush me off and said he had more important matters to attend to. I never understood why I wasn't as good as Eric until I grew up a bit more... but... I always thought I deserved the same level of attention. He didn't want me. Until I proved I could be useful. I gave him the best possible excuse to sent me away... and he did. As soon as he could."

"How often did you see your parents?"

"Twice a year. Maybe. Sometimes it was just once a year. Other times we got to see each other four times. It all depended, but it was never more than five."

She nodded briefly. "Do you understand why I'm asking you about this?"

"Because you think that my BPD has something to do with the fact that I was neglected and ignored as a child. You think that because I lacked wanting and love as a child, I am desperately searching for it now. I am searching for a reason to be complete yet I already am."

"And what do you think about this?"

"That it's crap and talking about either my parents is not worth my time." I crossed my arms, angry.

She laughed and took off her glasses. "Lucille... you are incredibly smart. Or no, how should I say this... as the great Sheldon Cooper once said, you'd have to loose several IQ points to be considered smart. Your tests intelligence tests reveal incredible results, yet your emotional tests.... I don't need to inform you how those are."

"Hey! I bet they're not as bad as they were before........! .............are they?"

"No, they're not." she shook her head "You have great potential, but you feel misunderstood, alone. You feel as though no one understands you, as though no one wants to be with you. You feel alone. The whole world is caving in on you and you just think 'why am I fighting this alone? Why isn't there someone with me to help me in this battle?' I will tell you this, Lucille. You are not alone. You should know that and look around yourself to understand that. Quite the contrary. I think you have an arsenal of people from what you've told me. Take a minute. Close your eyes. Tell me what you desire most in the moment right now..."

I closed my eyes. What DID I desire the most in the world at that very moment. I sighed again. "A family..."

And right then and there something hit me hard in the head. "OUCH, WHAT THE---" I turned.

"Idiot!" Eric frowned down at me. "You already have ONE."

My eyes widened from pure shock. "Wha...!? But..." I stared from him to the doctor, to Eric, then again to the doctor "How did you know I would..."

She winked at me, as she stood up "I'm good, aren't I?" she walked towards the door and said "I'll leave you two alone a while..." And left promptly afterward.

"Did it ever occur to you that I would want to be THE first to know what you were going through!? Why didn't you tell me! Why didn't you call me!?"

"Because I DID call you, Eric! I called you and you told me you were busy and didn't have the time."

"WHEN THE HELL DID I SAY THAT!?"

"A month ago, when I asked you to come over because I was lonely."

It suddenly seem to hit him what I was talking about. "I... shit." he seemed to be looking for the right words to say. "God... I didn't think it was that important. I mean, if you'd told me that you suffered something like Borderline Personality Disorder I would've rushed..."

"I didn't have to tell YOU." I silenced him "You're always telling me how you love me and will protect me, but when I really need you, you're conveniently never there."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean!? I've had millions of problems and I'm never calling you to help me solve them! I mean, where have YOU been!"

"CONVENIENTLY outside your door. I was there when Christine broke your heart, I was there when Caterina left, I was there when you broke up with Veronique. And you know it. You know you've always had the big sister right there. Well, guess what, Eric, I'm completely broken. And the moments you care, I'm either connected to an IV in a clinic or inside a psych's office."

We stared at each other.

He was the first to sigh, stand up and sit next to me. "I will never, EVER, understand women. You seem to have a labyrinth inside your mind and inside that one you have another one even more complex than the first."

I also sighed and held on to his hand and placed my head against his shoulder. "I feel so lost. I hurt all over. Every time I think I'm doing some progress, this shit just backfires. Why do I feel like I have absolutely nowhere to belong?"

"I can't really answer that for you. But maybe it's the way you cope. When mom and dad died, you were like a statue. In fact, people said you were in a total state of shock."

"And yet when grandpa died I was crying all over."

"Maybe because he was actually nice to you."

I looked at him.

"Yeah, I know our parents were shitty. I mean, they were SHITTIER to you than to me, but that doesn't mean they weren't shitty to me too."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Are you kidding? Finally I get to be with my most adored sister in the world, I wasn't going to talk about problems with you! I personally just pretended it was you and me in the family and everything was alright."

I laughed. "It was much easier when we were kids."

He squeezed my hand, then took it and kissed it. "I love you. More than anything in the whole world, you're like my number ONE ONE." he smiled happily at me "I know you're sensible and you feel broken and sometimes one little thing can mean the end of the world to you, but I'm here, Luce. I'm not going anywhere anytime. But I need you to tell me. I need you to give me a call and allow me to appear and save you. If I had super powerful hearing and could hear you shout out for help, then I wouldn't need it. However, I'm not superman, I need you to tell me things. Nonetheless. You're STRONG. You were a Director in the INTERPOL, you BUILT a plane, you COOK and make the coolest clothing ever. You have the world at your feet. Don't let yourself be your own worst enemy. You have people who adore you, and who will willingly die for you, though, please don't go make me kill myself."

I smiled at him softly. I couldn't stop the tears. He cupped my face and kissed my forehead. "Even though you're older, I'm your taller brother, So I will protect you... though... my basic point is... You don't really need protection." he winked at me and cleared my tears. "Pull yourself together, Delton."

I laughed "I sure will, Delton."

"Oh, and I brought you you're white rat from hell thingie..."

I noticed he was carrying a very nice cage. "LILOOO!!" I squealed.

Immediately, my beautiful ferret jumped onto me.

"Can you handle this?"

"I think I can handle anything!"

TODAY---

"Match Point, LUCILLE!"

"FUCK THIS SHIT, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLE BE SO FUCKING GOOD!"

"Oh, Settle down, Earnie." Remind me to never play tennis with a squizophrenic. They really hated losing.

"You really are good." There was a girl who I had befriended in the center. Ironic much, her name was Chrissy. "It's amazing. Earnie used to be really good before he got locked up in here."

I couldn't help but laughing. "I like tennis. Really fun sport..."

"You seem to be good at everything you set your mind in doing." she said in awe.

"Why thank you. I really try my best."

"You make it seem like you're not even trying. Is that normal?"

"We're in a mental institute, is THIS normal?"

She laughed fondly and loudly. She was incredibly nice and you could define her as pretty much normal. She was at the institute because she had broken the windows of her boyfriend's car when she caught him cheating on her. Unfortunately they (her now ex and the bimbo he was kissing) were still in the car when she did it, which earned her a month of anger management in the institute. She had never been happier about anything else she'd ever done.

"What about you? Are you feeling like facing the world tomorrow?" she asked me

I had spent three days in the institute voluntarily. I know it was crazy, but being around crazy people was slightly relaxing. You weren't weird and you realized some people were way off worst than you.

"I think I'll do fine. I'm leaving in a little while."

"Well, I think you've made a lot of progress, honestly. I mean, I totally support you. I love your clothing. You might as well keep designing, so I can keep buying."

I smirked. "We just made a new addition to the store. It's become a really cool place."

"And hey, if you need to talk with someone, I'm totally you're amiga. Nothing like a mental institute to create an everlasting bonding friendship."

I laughed. "True! I totally agree."

"Remember to always keep a balance. Normal people have a certain type of balance within their own personalities. Too much 'nice' and you'll end up getting hurt. Too much 'bitch' and they'll probably throw you off a cliff!"

"Worry not! I already jumped off a bridge!"

And we laughed. Oh man, the stupidity, but these lousy days were just fine.

"Anyways, tonight I'm going to prepare a special dinner."

"For a special someone?"

"Maybe" I laughed "Maybe not!"

"Will it be for that hunk of your brother!? He's SOOOO hot."

"And happily in a very stable and bizarre but extraordinary relationship."

"Oh bummer, all the good ones are taken."

"Or gay!"

"Yeah!"

"Like SAMMY!!"

"Like Sammy. yep."

We stared at each other and laughed again.

"I don't think you're crazy." she gave me two thumbs up.

I hugged her. "Thank you, C!" I smiled happily.

"Go get 'em, Foxy!"

I winked, as I ran to my room to get my stuff. "They'll never know what got 'em!"

I can see your Halo

2009-10-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

I got a new pet!! Her name is Lilo (pronounced like the "Li"from Lie)!! Aint's she cute?
Eric came by to meet her and she BIT him. Now he calls her the "white ferret from hell". I told him that was a mean thing to say and congratulated her for biting him yet again.

For some reason Lilo saw Ashley and ran away from her terrified.

"THAT STUPID RAT!? WHAT THE HELL!!" She stomped her feet. But eventually they met halfway and primate love came through and now they get along.

Leo kept his distance. We all laughed because we thought he was scared, but it turns out he's slightly allergic to animal fur, including in the packet ferrets. So he smiled and kept his distance.

Carol fell in love with the ferret but it also bit her, so she immediately joined Eric's club.

I've had her for two days now and I'm very happy. I think I've done a good job taking care of her. She hasn't bit me. I mean, the occassional nibble, but that's normal with ferrets. She's very playful and a great companion. I'm glad I chose her as a pet.

Oh, she also bit Sammy.

She really is cute!! Tee-hee!

Compromise

2009-10-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

This morning I got up unusually early and decided to devote my day to fixing and organizing my stuff at the store. Generally, as designer's do, I keep all my sketches sprawled over the desk, designs everywhere, clothing here and there, but in the chaos there is order. Nonetheless, I decided to organize all the papers I might have. I prefer to have a database in my computer and have all the information there. I am, after all, a computer freak, aka, a nerd.

Anyways, I set out to put some things in order. I started with the random pieces of cloths everywhere, organized the clothing and then I reached my desk. I organized receipts, placed item orders inside a file, and basically spent time doing an inventary of what I did and did not have.

Among the papers I found there were random sketches where I drew a beautiful dress and in the top of the page I'd write "wear this for Christian" and a little heart next to his name. I stared at the two or three pieces of work where that happened and eventually crumpled them up and threw them in the trash can. Those were designs of a time that would not repeat itself, and it should stay where it belonged: the past. I found many things like these, simple gestures like cookie recipes that I had to try out for him that I was sure he would enjoy. I found some of the receipts from baskets I'd bought to decorate and give to him. I even went so far as to finding pretty ideas for dinner and romance tips.

I took ALL of it, threw it in the trash can and then, taking care not to do a mess, turned on a match and set it on fire. I sat in front of the burning material for some minutes, maybe mourning what would never happy, thinking that maybe it was all too much and too little really happened, thinking that maybe I shouldn't have done this or that or whatever. I still felt slightly heart broken, but the smell of burning paper reminded me that whatever had happened, had happened and period. It was long gone.

I wasn't that sad anymore. In fact, I was feeling slightly hopeful that one day I would really look back and shake my head at all of this smiling. Maybe I WAS too intense, maybe my insecurities got the best of me, maybe I still needed to learn how to balance my own feelings. I had to stop going to extremes, I had to stop being so sensible about everything, I had to grow up so much more and become someone that would be able to cope without feeling like her world was coming down. This is who Lucille Delton was, a slight mess with the hopes of becoming something so much bigger than what she gave herself credit for.

As the fire extinguished I felt confident that I no longer had to hold on to what might have been, but I could perfectly create a better will be.

I eventually finished doing all I had to do and turned off the lights. No more regrets... I would pull through, I could... I would believe in myself.

Plunging

2009-10-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

I jumped off a bridge.

Yeah. I know... sounds wicked right?

Veronique and I had a big fight. I went and meddled. I did it because I care. I DO care. I'm not dumb. I might pretend to be stupid sometimes and flash big eyes to get my way, but I'm definitely not dumb. I am DENSE. Yes, I am. I can get into anyone's pants, but not so easily into their hearts.

So here's how my mind works (yes, I think I'm beginning to understand).

I told Nathan that I didn't want to have sex with him, not because I had used him and was done with it, but because I didn't want to go to that place with him. I mean, no matter how you color that, I know it gives off a bad taste. I just expected he would understand. I'm not betraying him, I'm not sending him to hell. I'm not disposing of him. I want to be his friend, but not like that. ~sighs~ I ended up falling into Caroline's category of "persona non grata" nonetheless. I hope one day he can understand that I didn't use him like he thinks women use him. Nathaniel, you didn't "SAVE" me. If anyone saved me it was actually Rudyard who is MY THERAPIST. What I meant to say is that my friends: Marie, Vero, you, gave me hope. I thought that was supposed to be encouraging and it was to create a bond or something. Again, sorry for being wrong.

As for the fight, I'm a dumb matchmaking girl. I thought there was hope among hope and I have my right to believe in these things, even though if that might anger you or bemuse you, Nathan. Ever since I was little, I saw Kyle and Marie as a golden couple. And that failed. I wish I could help Marie get back her love, her life, because she deserves it. She's a great person, she loved him, and I'm sure he loved her. I'm not meddling because I write it on my blog, right? Okay. Clearing that out. That THEY broke apart is like an "OMG sign is there hope for any of us!?" And then, there's Veronique. I admire her so much. Like really. That's a real woman. I love her so very much too, she might not even expect that. I want what's best for her too. And every time I see her, I know that she still loves you, Nathan.... Ah!

I thought with Vero because I hurt Nathan. And I jumped off ( AN ARTIFICIAL TOTALLY SAFE BRIDGE I EVEN HAD SPARE CLOTHING IN THE CAR) to blow off the steam. I needed to plunge down into cold cold water and free myself from the stress. That's the thing about me, adrenaline makes me feel alive. I can't handle stress therefore I go out there, break the limits. I don't like fighting. I don't like people yelling at me. I don't like feeling broken or breaking people. I want peace, I want there to be good relationships among us all, even if it's not possible. I know life goes on and people get mad and hurt and sometimes they never speak to each other again. Why?

Even with Christian. Right now, I can't bear to talk with him, I'm close to the point of hating him for hurting me and for choosing Nathaniel so obviously over me. I was the girlfriend, I was supposed to open his heart, but I didn't. Maybe I was also jealous that I couldn't. But as I swam in the freezing cold water I realized I wanted to be his friend one day too. Even if it took me some while, I wanted to one day talk to him and laugh, and leave all these memories in the past. I don't want anger. I want happiness. I want forgiveness. Is that bad?

Innocent? Dense? Dumb? Stupid? Maybe. But it's my belief, it's my way. Inside this hell called loneliness I think we can all survive by holding on to each other.

That's why I'm sad that Nathaniel thinks that I used him. That's why I'm sad that I didn't quite reach him and he's gone far off, away from me and placed me right inside that category with the most selfish person on this Earth. I want to change that and prove myself. I'm not giving up. I know I can't pull through on my own. I still need guidance, but I have the will to fight and get to places. I might get angry and hurt, but I can make it.

Ayyyyy... ~sighs~ I'm sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I messed up

2009-10-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

I messed up. Again.

I hurt feelings, apparently I've proved theories, I'm such an evil person and I feel terrible for it. I want to crawl inside my room and never go out. I don't understand people. I don't want the pain. I want to go into a place, dark enough where no one can find me, where no one can save me. So what if I believe in love? So what if I believe in the light at the end of the tunnel? I'm surrounded by stars, but they never reach me. I try to fight for something, but I just end up messing it up more and more. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to get rid of your feelings, or trample on them. I don't want to and if I ended up doing so, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I keep disappointing my friends, and in doing so I just disappoint myself. I refuse to believe that I can't remedy this, but I'm not strong. I don't have the faith that I will be forgiven.

God I feel so rotten I want to throw up. I look at Eric and he can be a bulldog and feel okay with it. Caroline's a bitch and she can walk away unscratched. Ashley will climb buildings. And I don't know what *I* can do. I can't deal with the fact that I cause pain. I can't deal with the fact that I've done wrong to someone else, especially when I was trying to help. I can't deal with that, because I meant for it to be okay.

Tonight I'm not going to the bloody party, I'm going to fucking kill myself.

New Colors

2009-10-01T20:09:00.000-07:00

I have changed the blog display entirely. I even changed the old fishies and the new ones are multicolored. They look so pretty I spent fifteen minutes staring at them before I remembered I had entered the site to write a new entry.

The main reason why I updated is because my friend, Marie, couldn't comment on the previous template. And I'm really thankful she pinpointed that fact, and i'm also glad I ended up changing the previous layout. This one looks so pretty. I'm really happy!

I'm listening to Miley Cyrus. I really like her "The Climb" song. It is rather inspirational. You know, now that I think about it, I own a Pink Beetle, I like Hannah Montana and I'm a fashion freak.... I'm quite a specimen, aren't I?

God, help me. I REALLY don't want to hurt people. I actually like humanity. I have faith we can get along some day (even if on occassion I will burst into the usual 'I'm so disappointed' at things tantrum). I'm working on this though. I wish we could all get along. I wish we could all forgive and be forgiven. I wish we could work together for a better tomorrow. I really doooo tryyy to do my beeest! It's not my fault if I screw up! I hope everyone knows that I really mean no harm! I'm innocenttt! T___T

Anyways, this morning I went to my usual bakery place (as I do every day) and afterward I spent the whole day at work. Only at night did I drive by Marie's, but there was a crisis over there, I helped in what I could and afterwards left back to my place. I just finished getting dressed and I'm planning to have fun tonight. I want to steadily move forward. I believe i'm going to make it. I'm glad I'm loved. I'm happy that I've found friends in both Vero and Marie. I hope I can grow into a better person with each day and that I don't disappoint them.

I'm going to make it. Slowly, steadily, I'm seeing a bright future ahead. I'm a little scared, but it'll be alright (or so I tell myself every day).

Please pray for me! :D

La Buena Vida

2009-09-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

Did I mention that I speak various languages? Well, this entry is in Spanish because I just saw a movie from Chile and I'm inspired to write it like that so...

Tuve la oportunidad de ir al cine con mis tios. Fue una experiencia algo extraña puesto que más que una opción se trataba de una obligación familiar. La sala del cine se encontraba repleta; no podía creer que hubiese tantas personas en un festival.

Fue así como la película terminó y me dejó apabullada, deprimida, frustrada, empapada en la tristeza de cuatros extraños que vivían para nunca alcanzar sus objetivos. Se trata de "La Buena Vida", pero realmente no es más que LA vida. Excelente cinematografía, mas en un mundo de tantas preocupaciones era de poca delicadeza. Tan real, tan brusco, que no recobré mi aliento hasta que llegué a salir de la sala. Pocas palabras pueden describir el sentimiento. Ya no me siento triste, no obstante sigo pensando en la película. Y es que la vida viene de tantos sabores y muy pocas veces logramos nuestros objetivos. Después sólo queda la muerte. Y entonces ya dejamos de existir y quienes fuimos queda en el corazón de quienes nos amaron.

Anyways, over that's it for the movie. I think it was beautiful. Sad, but beautiful. We don't always get what we want, but while we're alive, we have to make it count.

True true true.

Zero Passive-Agressiveness

2009-09-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

Yes... Zero Passive-Agressiveness, that was the title, but now that I started writing the blog I suddenly feel tired and lazy. Well, I've had a lot of work these days. I've had interviews from differente fashion magazines, I've had a lot of people petitioning me new dresses. I've also had to design some shoots. It has been nonstop. Plus, I've had some shoots myself. I was speaking to Tyra this morning and she tells me she wants me to be a special judge in the Oct. 12th week, but I told her it would be impossible for me, because I have this big conference in Washington. Yeah. Busy lady this time around.

I'm so tired, it's not even funny.

I have also gone out EVERY day of the week. Why? Because I'm having fun. I'm enjoying myself. I go out either with Vero, Marie, Samuel, friends from the industry, models, etc. It's highly entertaining and I get to relax.

I don't have a boyfriend. People seem to have this wrong idea that they OWN me or something, which they DON'T. I don't deny it. I want to have a boyfriend, therefore if you know someone who's interested in a hot, smart, knows how to cook, designer, knows about computers etc. girl, then please approach me at once. Meanwhile, I'm just not in any type of compromise right now. And this is the entire truth.

I'm not being mean, I don't want to hurt feelings, I don't want to get my feelings hurt, this is totally true.

Tonight I'm going to the movies. Can't wait.

Did I mention? I have a lot of work? yes?

haha! Must go! :D

Excuse Me, Pardon Me

2009-09-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

I'm doing therapy with Rudyard. It has helped. I've decided to take things slowly and calmly. I've discovered that every time I go through one of those crazy adrenaline phases I end up back in blue land feeling all down. That had to change. I'm trying to create true bonds, and I'm talking things out. My passive agressive behaviour does not allow me to grow, therefore I'm trying to be more outspoken.

I went drinking with Vero just two days ago and have been spending a lot of time with Marie. I've also been talking more and more with Samuel and I think I'm steadily getting better. I love danger, I love experiences that give you a new high, but I do that because I'm trying to cover for the things I don't do.

I'm officially back into the store, I'm designing again. I'm painting again. I decided to paint my room and just draw and enjoy the sweet little things of life. Slowly, casually, this time I'm making it right. I love modelling. I love art. I love creating. Therefore I'm also working on reestructuring a bit. It's currently two stories big, but we're building a whole new studio so that Samuel can do the photography too. I was even thinking of expanding it to include a model agency. The plans are there. I was talking with a friend of mine who's an architect and he'll be working on that soon enough. I think it's a very good idea.

Ashley Vasser (yeah, you all know her I'm sure) asked me to be in one of her videos.

"Huh? You're kidding me!" I gasped. I was both excited and honored!

"Lucille..." she smirked "Couldn't think of anyone better to fill in the part for fragile porcelain doll who's about to break but's waiting for a prince to save her."

I frowned. That was mean, but she did have a point. Who cared!? I was going to be in an Overdose video! Fantastic! :) I totally agreed.

And today was a good day. Caroline was supposed to present her thesis, but it got moved to next week. She was so relieved she fainted. I had been invited to some coffee to celebrate the happy news. It was nice to be back in Canada for the day.

"I SWEAR, I was going to CRY out of sheer happiness!" Carol laughed.

"I heard something about there being a possibility of it getting published?" I asked

"YESSSSSS!! That makes me HAPPY as FUCK!"

"Caroline was so nervous she was literally shaking ALL night. She was begging me to give her something to soothe her down. Geez, I'd never seen someone become such a wreck for such a little thing." My cousin Leo sat next to her and brushed his wife's hair.

"LITTLE? You call a DOCTORAL thesis LITTLE? This is the biggest thing that will ever happen to me!"

Eric laughed "Not to mention, it raises her paycheck a good 40%"

"EXACTLY! Not the same to have a PHD than just a JD!"

"PHD, JD, PD, LD = Pretty Huge Dick, Junior Dick, petite dick, little dick, all sounds the same to me." Ash smirked

"That's great coming from you, Mrs 'I'm a total musician with my Berklee degrees'." Carol stuck her tongue at her. They were cousins.

"Well, I think it's pretty commendable." I intervened "Writing almost 400 pages of pure shit is quite a task!"

Everyone laughed, except Carol "HA-HA-HA!" but then she smiled happily.

Yes. This was one of THOSE days. When everyone is feeling slightly better and things seem to be cool and calm.

"Hey! I heard Mr. A-hole pulled a new one! He's suddenly in love with RORY? Isn't that hardcore?" Ash asked. "He actually broke up with Vero and I think he finally ended up breaking Marie's heart once more. What was left of it anyways." Ashley = Marie lover.

"Well!" Carol in defense of her best friend shushed her up "He's found true love. You should know how THAT feels like. I, for one, am happy for him. We all have to seek our own happiness, even though that sounds selfish, it's TRUE."

"True? I don't think Kyle understands what's going on inside his head, less alone inside his cold and wretched HEART!"

Carol stood up, eyes flaring. "That's MY BEST FRIEND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"MARIE'S MY FRIEND! You might want to justify being selfish, but that doesn't mean he aught to be stepping over people's feelings like that! And God, I can't believe it, I'm saying this in Vero's name too! HER SISTER? Her PERFECT, parents adore her sister? That's like LAME-O!"

"Who died and made YOU the saviour of the PEOPLE! What are you now? You evolved into the simian version of Jesus!?"

Green eyes ignited. "What did you call me?"

This was highly entertaining, but if we didn't want to get kicked out of the restaurant I had better stop them. Leo and Eric were trying to, but as it usually happens with men, they were useless. Quietly, but with brute strength I pulled them both down and took a sip of my tea. They stared at me.

"What?" I blinked. They couldn't believe I had interrupted their tirade. "Listen. Neither of you can fight their battles. You both want happiness for the people you each love. However, we have to create a balance. Fighting for a loved one, wanting to avenge a loved one sometimes might lead to more fighting. Fighting just leads to hate and then we won't get anywhere. Therefore, we must be supportful. It's the only thing we can do."

I saw Ash gawking at me. Carol blinked several times. They each took a gulp from their respective beverages.

Eric crossed his arms. "Being supportful, huh... sounds like a plan."

Leo was sitting next to me and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and whispered. "Nice going cousin, you have calmed the beasts." he winked at me.

"I think we all just want support and lots of love in the end. I'm glad they can defend someone like that. They care so much and they're not afraid to show it. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Express my feelings in that way."

"Well, you're not them. And believe me, I'm glad you aren't. Besides... you have a bigger challenge before you. Before you can love someone to such extremes, you have to appreciate yourself. But, being the way you are is not bad at all."

I looked at him, our similar blue eyes meeting. "You think so?"

"I know so." he smiled "I love you and believe in you. You are not alone, baby cousin."

I smiled happily. Among them all I felt really happy.

"AWWW, LUCY's BLUSHING SO CUTEEEELY!" Ash shouted

And we laughed some more. I had to return home soon enough, but I wish our time together wouldn't end.

Recovery

2009-09-26T10:18:00.000-07:00

The best thing about Milan Fashion Week is the fact that you barely have time to think. There are models to deal with, clothing flying from here to there, stress, photographs, press etc. It seems to be endless, the huge amount of things I must do. Though I model, I also design and my designs are highly acclaimed. I'm glad about that. People like my clothing. They like what I do. They applaud me for it. After all the huge amoust of work, I guess it pays off.

"What are you doing out here?" Samuel approached me from behind.

I was sitting at the fountain. It was dark outside and there was no one around. I just wanted the peace and quiet.

"You look like a mess." Sammy sat there next to me.

Yes, well, after running from here to there I felt like crawling over and just dying. My mascara was slightly blotched, I'd lost the lipstick, I had taken off my heels. I felt just like how I looked: a disaster. Fashion week itself was more like an obligation. I was thankful that I had to be pushed to do it, but I couldn't deny that I was down on the slumps. I was trying to fight through, I was trying to see the light. I was doing all that I could not to develop an alter personality that would serve as an escape to all the problems I was facing.

"Are you smoking?" Samuel gasped.

I was. It was de-stressing. It took away any semblance of hunger I might have, which allowed me to have more time to do more things. And smoking was also semi-smoothing.

"Helloooooooo... are you there? I'm TALKING to you?"

I looked at him and then shook my head. "I'm here. Barely, but here nonetheless."

He stared at me. "You know. You don't have to do this if you don't like it; the whole fashion week thing, I mean."

"I do like it."

"You look positively miserable! Sure, in there you're all smiles and thrills but I know you better!"

I sighed. "I like it. I just feel overall miserable with my life, alright?"

"And why is that?"

"A lot of reasons. I'm already talking it all out with Rudyard and such." I looked down "I just feel stuck, and ready to just give up. Why... no matter what I do, I always come back to square one and end up feeling like shit. I love you and you're my best friend, but I feel like I'm closed up in this far away place... and I just want to run and get away from it all. Why can't I just be happy? I want to be happy. I want to be accepted and loved and cared for and protected. I don't want to feel like a burden, like I'm a failure at everything I do...." I wanted to cry. AGAIN. I was so pathetic.

Sammy wrapped an arm around me. "You are ever the perfectionist. Happiness doesn't happen in ONE second. You can't have it all. It's okay..." he sighed and placed a hand on my head "you're greatest problem is that you do everything and hence you're not satisfied by one thing. Hey, it's okay if you fail, it's okay if you feel like shit, we all do. You already do enough. As for loving you and accepting you and protecting you, I'm here for you. And I'll always be. I know you're in a dark place. You're trying to desperately swim through. Just, take things slowly, you'll figure it out. You're smart, sexy, beautiful, and you will figure it out."

I smiled at him. "Thanks."

"No, I know you too well. You don't really need me to tell you this. You have me, and you know it. I know you're thankful for it, but it's not enough for you. You need actions, you really do need someone who will shake some sense into you, and I'm not really that person. I'm your confident, you're amigo, but I can only get so far."

"That's not..."

"That's exactly it." He laughed good naturedly "I'm more like your go to GIRL than the kind of person you need right now. But it's alright, Lucille." he grabbed my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "I'm not going to let you fall. I'm not going to let you go into that place you say you might end up. You might be free to give up on yourself, but I surely am not giving up on you."

I hugged him. "I know."

"Know then." he grabbed my arm, threw the cigarrette from my mouth and took out various makeup items from his pocket. "I'm not letting your HOT ass freeze in this place." he rapidly placed a bunch of products in my face and murmured "Perfecto."

I laughed as he pulled me towards the show. "Lucille, smile, you're the face of this fashion week, you're my star. Shine."

When I went back in I was truly smiling. I really thank him for not letting go.

Lucky Lady

2009-09-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

Remember those shoes in America's next Top Model?

Yeah. Well. I can do that too. See?

As for news. Nothing has changed much. I'm now completely into modelling these days, and since I win enough money, am popular and like the attention, I could say I'm doing rather well. I have received various phone calls from my old work, but, it's just because they're worried about my safety. How nice! Nathan has gone MIA and so has the rest of the community apparently. Marie is back with Kyle, she's apparently forgiven Caroline, Giovanni's still with Elena though praying he might hit if off with Vincenzo... Rink and Ashley are still lovey dovey, Eric and Vero are apparently going to have sex, and the world is still moving.

"You seem way out of it..." Samuel stared at me. I was slightly concentrated on my computer. I was still wearing the heavy makeup from the last session.

"I'm in, I'm in, don't mind me." I replied and hastily shook of his frowning expression with a hand gesture.

"Then what are you thinking about?" he sounded slightly exasperated.

"A genius is always thinking about a lot of things."

He ignored my modesty. "Really? I'm asking what kind of things."

"Well, for instance, while I model and while I work as a model, I might start another project of my own, kinda like Celine you know? It was such an entertaining piece of work. Plus, it's my favorite hobbie to steal from the Deltons! <3"

"Technically, it wasn't stealing, because your bro, aka big boss, is that plane's master."

"Yeah, well, who cares?" I closed my computer and stared at him. "Maybe I should apply for the Miss Universe contest..."

He blinked several times. "You really DO suffer from ADD."

"So I've been told." I stood up and ordered the check. "Samuel. I need a boyfriend. Get me one."

"Oh honey, unless you want them to see you and go for your BROTHER, I really do suggest you ask someone else. Maybe one of those fans will do you the favor!"

"I'll be doing THEM the favor." I swirled my hips and left the restaurant. Sammy followed.

Because you Asked for It---

2009-09-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

How to suck on a lollipop
brought to you by Foxy Lady

1. Grab the lollipop in your hand, weigh it and measure it, making sure it is your desired flavor and texture.

2. Unravel the lollipop from its wrap with your fingers carefully. It is important that you use the very tips of your fingers to give your lollipop love. Uncover it slowly, taking in its color, its size, and lick your lips in anticipation as you imagine you will soon have it inside your mouth.

3. Once you remove the wrapping, evaluate the lollipop. Appreciate it, already tasting it with just your eyes, appraising it properly and for the necessary period of time to increment your need to have it.

4. Bring the lollipop close to your mouth, open your lips and place them at its very top, sliding your lips on top of its hard texture, leaving the imprint of its possible flavor upon them. Once you feel like giving it the first taste, place your open lips at the top and let your tongue slide, licking the tip pleasurably.

5. When you feel satisfied with the tip, open your mouth slightly wider so as to allow your tongue to lick its entire length. It is important that you take your time to lick as much as you like until your tongue is full with its flavor.

6. Once satisfied, move your tongue as your mouth covers its surface, trying new approaches so as to acquire different tastes of the lollipop that vary according to location. Lick in straight tongue strokes and then try a circular motion. This will send shivers of pleasure down your spine, and you will desire more of the lollipop as you progress. The product of the rough texture of the lollipop against your tongue will result in an implosion of flavors of unprecedent proportions.

7. Pull the lollipop into the warmth of your mouth, sucking on it deliciously. First, nibbling the top and then sucking it whole, pulling it in and out of your mouth so as to create frissons of sugary desire inside you. As you complete the in and out movement with your mouth, try to compliment this action with the move of your tongue.

8. Remember to take your time. Once you are done with the sucking and tonguing, make sure you drink every last bit of flavor from your lollipop. As you're done, swallow its wonderful taste and lick your lips as you have purposely sucked it entirely.

9. Once you are finished, take the lollipop stick and put it to good use.

Love,

Lucille ~

Red Hot HOT Chili <3

2009-09-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

Nathan smirked "Strong girls go weak hardest and most pleasantly."

I nodded and walked towards him, placing my finger against his chest, a delicioius curve upon my lips and I just knew I had that sparkle in my eye; the sparkle that appears when I'm up to no good. "We strong girls also gnaw and bite, so be careful."

"I'm not afraid of your little kitten claws. Meow." He said smiling

"Mm... but the weapons I have are more potent than claws." I laughed softly "Do you have any protection against them?"I turned around slightly, raising my shoulder just a bit, and looking at him from under long eyelashes. Behold the explosion of pheromones!

Nathaniel's eyes became dark with a sheen of maliciousness to them. He quirked his lips. "I don't know. Want to find out, just how much I can resist you?" He pulled me softly by the waist until I was pressed against him. "How much I can attempt to torture you?" He whispered against my ear. He moved his mouth so that he was talking right above my lips but not kissing me, just letting our breaths mingle. "Just for pleasure? Reveal how much of a masochist you truly are...? He took my wrists and held both my hands clasped behind my back, still pressing me against him, he stroked my inner thigh gently "And how much of a sadist I really am?" He smirked "And how much you'd enjoy it?" He let his fingers slip slightly up my skirt, only touching higher, but not 'there'.

I smiled and gasped sweetly. "I was made to pleasure..." And I said this in a tone that was meant to send shivers down the spine of any man. "If you want me to be a masochist, I'll beg for your torture" I lifted my leg slightly so as to allow his hand to slide up my skin. "If you want to be a sadist, I'll indulge your every whim." I whispered the words right in the sensitive spot under his earlobe. "I don't mind taking it to wherever you want to take it, as long as you take me..... somewhere" I added with a naughtly naughty smile; my lips parting softly in invitation.

And no, we didn't have sex, but we did play naughty for a while. But it's so HOT between us both. I can feel it. When I'm with Nathan I can be myself. I can be free, I have no pressures about having to keep an image. I am. Period. We accept each other. We feel comfortable around the other. I finally found someone that can accept me for who I am and I'm deliriously happy. We are in so many ways alike and in so many others, different. However, when we're together, it's like an implosion of flavors. Sometimes it's extremely sensual, to the point where you think you've reached the heavens in utmost pleasure. Other times, it just feels so right.

After we played amongst ourselves (I got to give him a special pink kiss <3 tee-hee.), we were starved, and I ordered some special Milanese pizza. They say... that when one person TRULY accepts you for who you are, just like that, then you can truly move on from any situation and overcome any obstacle. I'm happy. Very Very Very happy. Because... I'm not alone anymore; Nathan's with me, and we've become such great friends. Because I like him and he likes me too. Because it's nice to have someone not question your way of being. Because he's taught me SO much and I'm so VERY thankful.

Nathan, I <3 You! :)
- Naughty Lady/ SheFox.

Day 6- Swim with Dolphins

2009-09-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

Hello.

Got up at 4:00 am because I could barely sleep last night. I tossed and turned, until finally I realized that I wouldn't be able to rest anymore. Damn it. I walked around the house about ten times, staring at the clock next to my night table over and over. At 6:00 I picked up really neat sportswear and decided to run around the street. Some morning exercise was really good. There's a bakery very near my house, after running I went there, and just sat down.

"Hi!"

I turned to see two teenage girls staring at me, wide-eyed.

"Hello?" I blinked, and smiled at them. I was wondering if they were offering something. At the moment I was having butter cookies and hot chocolate.

"You're Lucille Delton, aren't you?"

"I am."

"We saw your latest collection in Vogue, and we fell IN LOVE with it! We phoned your studio, but your assistant told us you were taking a break..."

After about an hour of chatting (yes, they sat with me), I had agreed to make them the designs they were dying for, and they also complimented me on my most recent magazine covers.

I can't deny I felt sort of proud. Okay, I felt very proud, and that made me feel giddy. I thought I wanted to escape the world of fashion clothing designing, but I rather like that. And if I don't have one way of channeling my creativity I feel kinda stuck. I rather liked modelling and designing, and decorating. However, I wanted to do so with no pressure. I think I was trying to pressure myself too much, and I needed to take things much more slowly: breathing and enjoying each moment.

A cup of hot chocolate, while sitting in a pretty Italian bakery was such a delightful experience. Besides, this was my neighborhood. EVERYONE knew who I was. It felt so familiar and nice. I phoned Samuel, and he was there almost immediately (we live nearby). Sad to say, nowadays he's a pretty calm gay. He no longer wears woman's clothing (unless Eric is around) because he has an image to keep; he's a professional photographer and also fellow designer. When he came in, tall, dressed in black, with sunglasses pulling some of black bangs back, and a pony tail, I almost confused him with someone straight.

"Sammy!" I smiled

"Darling, I L-O-V-E this place." And... his personality was ever the same one.

"I know. Remember? We used to have breakfast here every day!"

"Mi amor, and whatEVER happened to us? We've become so... SERIOUS."

"Tell me about it. Well actually, I have a 10:00 am appointment. I'm going to swim with Dolphins today."

He laughed so hard, half the people at the pretty shop turned around to stare at us. "Swim with dolphins? Is that like a new way of saying 'I'm SO not getting any'?"

"No. That's a new way of saying 'mind your business I happen to like dolphins'. Besides, it's a thirty day trial period where I get to do EVERYTHING I've ever wanted to do."

"What's the point!? You have the rest of your life to do it!"

"Well, that's exactly it. If you leave things for later then you really won't do them."

"Amigaaaaaa....." I had been sitting in a small sofa. He stood up from his chair and sat next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. "We need to get you a macho macho maaaan! I want to be A MACHO MAN!"

I started laughing. "Listen, if YOU start with that subject I will kill you!"

"But why darling? If I weren't gay, I'd fuck you myself, OH wait, been there done that..." he patted my shoulder "Though I'd SOOOOOOOO do it again."

"Oh please, Samuel." I was still laughing. Sammy was like my best friend since forever. We were born and I swear our little cribs were one next to the other. I spoke to him EVERY day, but since he'd moved in with his BF I was seeing him less and less in what were 'friend moments'. It was more like, every time we saw each other, it had something to do with work.

"You're living with that delicious NATHAN. I would so totally do him like right away."

"He is not a WHORE...." I stared at him

And then we both laughed singing "BUT HE LIKES TO DO IT" and cracked up. Again everyone was staring at us.

He laughed a little more then whispered "What is it with all these people suddenly in Milan???"

"I don't know, but there's a big mess going around. I'm expecting the details soon enough because I'm pretty much confused."

"Well, do tell me soon enough, it's getting rather boring! By the way, I brought you the picture of your last shoot. It's beautiful and I love it if you ask me."

I smiled at him. "You're leaving?"

"I have to go work work. And YOU have to go swim swim. I would rather you go FUCK FUCK, but you're such a PRUDE these days. I'd be you, I'd totally go and fuck the cute guy in the table near the kitchen door."

I laughed, and looked at him smirking. "Place your bet." We always did this. Most of the craziest things I did when younger were thanks to our bet and will do game. He could bet me I would go an orgy and I'd go. He would bet that I do a girl and I would. At least I can I lived.

"Oh fuck off! You know we can't do it like before!"

"No. But it doesn't mean we can't do it!" I raised an eyebrow.

"Oh YAY! Okay. I bet you 50 euros you don't dare go Vampire on him, AND you touch his little wee wee!"

I smiled, standing up. "Looks like breakfast is on today..."

I walked towards the young man, sex Goddess drive on. "Excuse me..." I slightly slid onto the table, giving him a great view of my entire body, keeping a slightly inviting expression on my face.

"Y-yes?" You immediately know when a man finds you desirable. This guy was already hard.

"Are they giving you good service?" I moved closer to him, and I think I saw him drool a little.

"It's getting better." He smiled at me with a frisky expression.

Italian.

And then, of course, the NEVER TOO OLD TO USE 101 TRICK: I spilled a little water on his thigh.

"Oh! Let me get that for you, sir." In one swift movement I was a) touching his wee, b) giving him my phone number as a whisper aka, also took advantage and bit him. "Ciao." I winked.

"CIAO BELLA! I WILL CALL YOU!" He was shouting behind me as I left the shop

Sammy grumbled. "Should've made you suck on it... 50 Euros now a days is big money!"

"Enough money to buy me a breakfast!" I laughed happily and ran ahead of Sammy.

Day 5- Scuba Diving

2009-09-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

The funny thing is that I did go to Scuba Dive in the morning. But then I had this great inspiration to just go and have my pictures taken. I wanted to feel all like a model once more. I guess I can do both: model and write. Hell, I can do whatever I want to do. But there is something about exposing my body and posing for a camera that I just love.

Actually... I love modeling my body, I feel comfortable with my body.

Who's up for some rough sex at this hour?

Just kidding!

Or maybe not ;)

Foxy Lady <3

Any comments for the picture? I'm sorry about the comments section, but it's not really working, and I rather like the flowers so I'm not chaning the template just yet. You can send me the comments via email ;)

Day 4- Learn to Water Ski

2009-09-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

OMG. I'm dead beat. This morning it was all about the water skiing.

It was SO much fun. There's something about feeling the water rush under your feet that just makes you feel alive. LOVE it!

Although RIGHT now, I just need to sleep! I'm SO tired! And with reason! Pretty intense and this is only the fourth day. Whao. It's gonna get better.

Day 3- Go Sky Diving

2009-09-07T18:03:00.000-07:00

Get Ready for it!

Day 2- Monster Truck

2009-09-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

This is day 2 of Nathan and mine's bucket list, and let's be honest. I've always wanted to ride a monster truck, nothing like having a big truck under you to make you feel alive! And how those engines roar! I hear that if you can handle one of those, you can handle anything, and I do like my things rather big.

Least to say, I feel especially dirty. I woke up early and it took me nearly two hours to choose the RIGHT outfit. I needed to pull the cowgirl look after all (since we were going to be in an arena).

I decided to go for the Daisy Duke style from the Dukes of Hazzard. I'm sure you all saw Jessica Simpson back then when she didn't look like the COW part of the COWGIRL.

I'm talking about this look of course:

Instead of the shorts though, I mixed the outfit with a pair of tight jeans. I think it's better to drive with jeans than with shorts (most of the time!) Arr! Naughty girl! Take the rope and tie me down! hehe!

<------- these are the jeans.

See? Those jeans look MUCH better with the pink blouse. Besides, my favorite color is pink. Might as well have it there somewhere today.

So, yes! These boots were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do, one of these days, these boots will walk all over you!

Yeehaa, boys ;)

Couldn't Resist

2009-09-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

Samuel just took a picture of me for his new magazine cover and I couldn't help but showing it to you guys.

Smexy.

Any comments?

The 30 day Schedule

2009-09-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

Hiiiii....

I feel much better now. I'm very sorry for the breakdown, and take back some of the things (not all of them, mind you). Anyways, just to leave everything clear, here's the 30 day schedule Nathan must do along with me [he has designed a 30 day sex list schedule for me as well]. The rule: we must do like we're told like little good girl and boy, BUT if the other manages to DISUADE the other from doing what he/she planned to do for that day, he/she gets to be boss the next day (regardless what was originally planned).

Taking into account that premise, here is my list:

1. Anything comes, anything goes, healthy relaxing before the mojo.

2. Race a Monster Car in a Monster car Competition

3. Go sky diving

4. Learn to water ski

5. Go scuba diving

6. Swim with Dolphins

7. Drive a racecar

8. Learn to fly a plane

9. Photography for a day (in Venice)

10. Visit the Titanic

11. Direct a short documentary on why people should be Pro-choice (in Vatican city :P)

12. Do Graffitti art in the streets

13. Go on Safari (as in actually go to Africa)

14. Attend a Native American Sweat Lodge Ceremony

15. Learn to Pan for Gold

16. Give out free hugs in a busy city sidewalk (and take pictures)

17. Go to Japan, attend and learn real tea ceremony

18. Learn how to drive a Gondola (venice)

19. Go Hiking

20. Go eat at the Heart Attack Grill (eat any of the bypass burguers)

21. Go rafting in the grand canyon

22. Learn to surf

23. Learn to Horseback

24. Learn how to do Henna Body Art

25. Get a tattoo

26. Go hunting

27. Go hiking

28. Say "Yes" to everything in a day (no disuading is valid this day :P)

29. Visit to the Taj Mahal (eat typical Indian food with hands)

30. Go see the Northern Lights

Nathan, better pack up your batteries, we're in for a thrill. :)

The Calculator

2009-09-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, well, after a breakdown [again...] I decided I'm still going to move forward and still give it my best, and still advance as much as I can, and still be someone, someone I want to be.

Nathaniel moved in with me yesterday, and yes, bloody Nathaniel, I'm a spoiled princess, boo hoo, don't you see my crown? I wear it every night to sleep! If I want to complain and mope, let me do so, it's not like you're GOD. Besides, I've never disappeared to Tibet until I settled my inner emotions [and let's hope I don't get to that].

Ok, I'm trying. You don't get that, do you? It's not easy because I don't know what I want or who I can even be anymore. And this is my BLOG, I get to post all my feelings, if you have a problem don't read it! [though thanks to those who do put up with it].

So this is my moment to find what I want. I'm a bit lost, but I can work it through. If I was able to beat Nathaniel and Christian and Dominoes, I might as well figure this out. I mean, there's no rule for life, but there's gotta be a way. This is like a small cocktail of tastes, and I'm just going to see which one I like the most. Now, let's see. Ahem. Things I like:

1. Archery/Tai Chi/ Exercise/ Love working my Body (maybe I should be a personal trainer? hehe! That would be fun, not to mention I'd get to wear those awesome tights that show off my body)

2. Cooking! [I like cooking, but I like cooking for people. See, Vincenzo I love cooking for because he appreciates good food. :) I do hope Nathan is right and he drops by. He knows how to treat a woman)

3. Computers/Softwares [I've already worked for the government in this aspect, but I still appreciate technology quite a lot, but not really something I want to do my job in, plus I already have a Ph.D in engineering and such :P haha! What a waste! Though sounds cool!]

4. Decorating [I decorated a wedding once, and it turned out beautifully, AND I designed a wedding dress. Okay. Wedding Planner? Wouldn't that be ironic! Though I have to admit, it is rather funny! hehe]

5. Painting [an artist? Hmm... I do like painting a lot... that comes with loving to design?]

6. Travelling! [I love getting to see new places]

Hmm... maybe I should become some sort of writer. I could travel, illustrate and right... in my computer! X) Okay, sorry that was funny for a second. But hmm... I never really did consider writing and I happen to like it quite a bit, whether it be gossip, or biographies, or any of that stuff, I really like writing... imagining adventures, imagining other worlds, new characters. OMFG. I think I know what I'm going to try out next. And since I can always steal the money from the Delton accounts... I could have the exact type of life I wanted. And if I do something naughty? I was investigatiiiiing.

A writer.

Hmm. I like how that sounds.

A lot.

Sounds kinda sexy too, dirrrty.

By the way. I'm just trying new things out. Might as well, huh! But I like that.... I really really like that. Omg. Why had I not thought about it before?

I can cook, I can travel, I can exercise, I can WRITE! And something to eternally entertain myself with, and so many characters that just POUR out my mind! >)

Okay. I can do this. I think we have a winner!

Admitting Defeat...?

2009-09-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

I'm at work. I'm tired and I've had nothing to eat in the whole day. I want to scream. In fact, for the first time in my life, I don't really care about the lives I'm saving or the people I'm helping with my actions. Does that make me a bad person? When I took this job, I knew it was a one way road. You live to serve. Even though you don't get the thanks you deserve, you have to do your best. Once in a while they'll give you a badge and they'll promote you.

And what's the point of getting promoted if it just means more work? What's the point of even being ambitious if at the end of the day your efforts are being recognized with more work? What's the point of it all!?

And my grandmother's words came back to me "All that genius being wasted..."

I wonder... what if?

I mean, what the hell is wrong with all of you!? Bloody Poodles and Bloody Chihuahuas, it's like we were in kindgarten; get over yourselves. Perfect or Imperfect, what the hell do you care if you're a freakin' masturbator? Ugh. Not freakin', FUCKING. What the hell am I to you all? The nice sister, the doubtful girl. PRETTY. I'm fucking pretty. I'm a doll... IF I HEAR that one more time I'm going to retch. That's great, I'm beautiful. But my personality is fucking good as well. I'm never being heard, I'm always being ignored, I'm supposed to be something because that's what's expected of me. Here comes the fashion artiste, here comes the police girl. I'm always shouting out to the world and it's never listening to me. Never. I'm alone. And the others might not mind, but I do. I'm tired of saving everyone when no one's saving me. I'm tired of fighting for peace, when everyone is always looking for war. I'm sick of being treated like I'm stupid for what I'm standing for.

I've been humiliated, ignored, embarrassed for long enough. I've cared about others expecting something in return. I was so wrong. In the end, we all fend for ourselves. A smile is not returned with a smile in this world. I don't want the riches or the ambitions, but I want the freedom and the recognition.

So let's stop kidding ourselves, right? In the end, if you're good they'll just screw you over. In the end, trying to seek friendship and hoping for the best, gets you down. In the end, when you hope for something it all falls down and breaks. So why hope at all? Why even expect something from people when all they do is disappoint you. I'm sorry, my expectations were to high. No. Wrong. I shouldn't have expected anything from anyone in the first place.

Am I admitting defeat? Yes, I fucking am admitting defeat. I've lost my faith on people. Officially. Humankind is destined to rot and swell up and die. Humankind is evil to its kin. No one will cut you a break if you give them the benefit of the doubt. No one will give you a second chance. So I'm young and I'm pissed, and I don't care anymore.

I don't care about designing anymore; I don't want to dress up people. Screw fashion, unless I wear it. Interpol? I already filed in my resignation. Whatever. They can't stop me. What I'm going to do? Who the hell cares? Maybe I'll take over Eric's little throne. Maybe I WILL be the first female to lead the Deltons. Why not? Maybe I'll go to Japan and visit Tokyo Tower. Why not? Whatever I want. Whatever I feel like doing. Whatever makes me feel like the damn great fucking woman that I am.

That's what I'm doing, and if you have a problem. He. For the first time...

... I don't give a damn.

Gone Bad?

2009-09-03T12:40:00.001-07:00

"I don't get it... with your genius you could have everything you want."

I stared at my grandmother. I was the only one who visited her nowadays. Eric had made sure she remained locked away in a glamourous institution, but institution no less. There she was, confined in her own expensive villa with all her servants and her nasty smirk, but still confined. Eric, as a special payback for her years of bringing misery upon others, had managed to closet her in, basically sealing her from the world. She was given permission to go out solely for her many galas, so as to pretend that she still had the freedom she once possessed. The other members of the Delton family were to scared to visit her even then. Even Eric, with all his charm and being the head, did not dare come to her face to face after her official "lock down".

And grandmother always possessed a unique self-esteem: brilliant, deadly, elegant, and with a sense of properness no one could compete. In more ways than one, I found her admirable, because she could take on business titans and not blink. She always kept her position, and even though many called her "pure evil", I always considered she did things to purposely seal herself from others. My grandfather adored her; surely there was something she must've done well.

"I already have everything I need." I answered softly. She was also the one person I trusted would never use my secrets against me. After all, I could use all of hers against her. Ironically, she seemed to only person I could truly talk with. No one would be more blatantly honest than she was. "Saying everything I 'want' is somewhat greedy."

"Please, greed has nothing to do with this. If you had even the slightest bit of greed you wouldn't be playing robbers and policemen. You'd be hunting bigger fish." she twisted her fingers in the air.

"You mean, like you hunted grandpa? Is that it?" I quirked an eyebrow.

"Why is it that you must always be like that? As though your life were a giant guilt trip. Please, Lucille Marie. If you die at 48, you will already have wasted half your life."

I blinked at her. "Whoever said I would die at 48!?"

"I'm giving you the big picture sweetheart, setting some parameters." She smiled at me, and I knew that sparkle in her eye all too well. "Lucille... do you want to know what I see when I look at you?"

"I get the feeling you would answer even if I said 'no'."

"I see a scared little girl. Your mother is dead, Lucille. No one will hug you at night if you feel like you're going to cry every other day." She rested her head upon her hand. "I see a girl who thinks her life is all about 'karma'. Oh please, you're not that important that God would pay that much attention. You've done many things in the past... honestly, If I hadn't seen your true potential that one time, I'd think you're as useless as your other female cousins."

"Just because I'm trying to see the positive things in life..."

"Oh no, my dear grandchild, you are not seeing the positive aspects in life. You are trying to hide your pain and anger behind a facade. Your friends might be deceived, but you certainly don't trick me. I doubt even your brother knows just how much of an angry person you can be."

"Anger... Pain... those are nothing more than negative feelings. You don't get anything out of them. Rather than have the power which I know you speak of, I'd rather live a happy life, like I'm living. I'm doing what I like! I love designing and I love computers.... and..." I stared at her. "What?"

"Aren't you tired of following the things that already have been written?" she asked one of her butlers for a cosmopolitan. "Nothing is preordained, my dearest. What you were is already in the past. Is this what you truly want? You are still young, you can still change everything. No one can judge you for doing so. Tell me right now that you don't want to do it." she laughed "Pretending you committed suicide to start anew. That was brilliant if you hadn't been as pathetic as to do the exact same thing you were doing before. How do you end up in the same circle?"

I crossed my arms. It felt chilly. "I don't know what you're trying to imply."

"Lucille... you like risk. You cannot deal with a routine and you know it. This is your chance to thrive, this is your opportunity to throw it all away. If it should become a big mistake, then you will have years to remedy that. But... unless you do fall once or twice, you will never learn."

"...I can't.... I.... don't want to."

"You're too comfortable? Lucille..." She stood up before I could see her standing. For an old lady, she was quick. "YOU could be the next Delton leader. You could change this 'male' order. You would be a great challenge to your brother."

I pushed her slightly away. "But that's something I wouldn't do because I love Eric." I stared at her rather nonchalantly.

"Yes... those eyes show me what you would truly be capable of doing."

"Grandmother." I was angry now, and truth be told I was calmer than ever. "Do not use me. Do not think that I will get Eric to withdraw his little 'lock down' game. I rather enjoy visiting you here."

I walked towards the door. "My anger, my fear, my hate... will get me nowhere. It is a path I rather never take. If one day I should go for it, God save my soul, because the first people I will hunt will be the Deltons for bloody giving me such a hard time." I slammed the door behind her, and heard her chuckle.

Bitch.

Updates- Romana Weekend.

2009-09-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody!! It's been long!

Well, starting Monday (yesterday) Nathan was supposed to move in, but he got really sick and hasn't been able to do the actual moving. I was pretty sad about it, but I offered to take really good care of him. It's great, you know? When you get sick, there's no better feeling in the world than having someone take good care of you. However, he said he would just sleep for now and I volunteered to visit him tomorrow. My poor friend needs it.

As Gossip comes and goes, I am now an "official" member of "The Poodles". Once again, I am hanging among the elite of the elite. To be completely honest, I just want all of us to be friends, but their are highly venemous vibes traveling from "the Poodles" to "the Chihuahuas". I find it particularly worrisome, because they are all such good people.

Plenty happened. Caroline, Marie and Me are in a contest to become Julian's Tweetie (in other words, the first woman he's going to have sex with). Carol was supposed to be his tweetie already, but she misbehaved and lost the title. She's doing everything in her power to become the tweetie once more, and believe me, she is not a force to be reckoned with (she's highly competitive). But Marie doesn't stay far behind!

Marie and Elena competed so as to determine who was the "sexiest". In a surprising turn of events, Marie won! She won a Palmilla trip in the Delton yacht along with the male partner of her choosing. In the end, she chose the yummy Vincenzo for the task! Elena has still not gotten over the 29 grade she obtained thanks to my stupid dork brother. He has always considered her a goddess, but having received an 8.0 as score for his kissing, he would've never deigned to give her the 10 she positively deserved! You're no 29, Elena! You're our favorite 100!

Men. They never know what they have at hand. I wish sometimes we reproduced asexually. If they didn't give as much pleasure as they do, they'd be downright worthless! (Venting moment over)

Kyle was there along with Veronique (Poodle), who as always has *THE* best fashion taste ever. I adore her, and she is sooooo nice. Vis a Vis, Marie hates her living guts because Veronique is Kyle's girlfriend and he's not willing to let her go, not even if Marie asks him too. I love Marie, but Veronique is a jewel too. Kyle had a tough decision. It's not for me to say if he chose correctly or not.

Giovanni, as always, giving Elena (Poodle) a lot of love. I love their relationship. He adores that woman with all of his core. That's a real man. Of course, he lusts after his cousin Vincenzo and over Julian (though who wouldn't in either case), but at the end of the day, he always comes back home to her. ~sigh~ Love like that is rather unique. They might fight, and she might be a little rough, but in the end, they are perfect for one and the other.

Talking about love, there was much love to give in Ashley's and Rink's department. Ironically, the most stable of all couples, they stare at each other with so much love that I don't think they'll ever be okay without the other. They need each other, breathe each other, and they have such good chemistry! Kudos for them! <3 Love, love, love, just like the Beatles in their ever lasting glorious song yell to us all.

Leo, my cousin, was gorgeous as ever, and he apparently beat Eric as best kisser. They fight like an epic battle among foes, but at the end of the day they will shield each other as family usually does. Leo is Carol's fiancee, but they are now in an Open Relationship kind of era, where they are allowing each other to roam free before they tie the knot (again). They got their first marriage annulled, but they can't really live without the other, so they've reached certain terms before they take the real big step, this time for REAL real.

Caterina and Eric are as crazy as ever (crazy for each other and crazy before the world), but in their way, they make quite a good couple. I really love my sis-in-law, as I call her these days, although if I could I would really give those nails a makeover! But nonetheless, she's like family to me and as I've said in the previous paragraph, family stands together.

Weekend HIGHLIGHTS:

1. Newly constituted Poodles: Caroline, Veronique, Elena, and myself
2. Chihuahuas: Ashley, Caterina, and Marie

*The Special Plates*
Judges: Vincenzo, Eric, and Christian

GIRLAS:

1. Ashley
A. Caterina (7)
E. Lucille (3)
D. Marie (6)
Total: 16

2.Lucille
A. Veronique (6)
E. Elena (8)
D. Caroline (6)
Total: 20

3. Veronique
A. Caterina (8)
E. Lucille (7)
D. Elena (10)
Total 25

4. Elena
A. Caroline (10)
E. Rory (10)
D. Ashley (10)
Total 30

5. Marie
A. Caterina and Ashley (10)
E. Sofia (10)
D. Rory (10)
Total 30

Winners: Elena and Marie

Ultimate Showdown:
a) Chocolate Wrestle Match
b) Jello and Cool Whip Match
c) Kiss the Judges- better Kisser challenge
i. Elena: 29
ii. Marie: 30 (WINNER)

BOYLOS:

Judges: Ashley, Elena, and Veronique

1. Eric
A. Kyle (10)
E. Julian (10)
D. Vincenzo (10)
Total 30

2.Rink
A. Nathaniel (10)
E. Eric (10)
D. Christian (6)
Total 26

3. Christian
A. Giovanni (9)
E. Julian (10)
D. Nathaniel (10)
Total 29

4. Leonardo
A. Rudyard (10)
E. Rink (10)
D. Julian (10)
Total 30

5. Kyle
A. Eric (10)
E. Vincenzo (10)
D. Julian (10)
Total 30

Winners: Eric, Leo, and Kyle

Ultimate Challenge: Same as with Girlas.

Who won? No one ever found out. Kyle and Leo made it to the finals though

And that was our weekend. Pretty intense, wasn't it??

Lobotomy

2009-08-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

"And that is why I expect you all to agree with me!"

The other five Directors sitting next to me struggled to keep a straight face. The odious man who had just spoken was talking about clear violations to human rights.

I raised my pen slightly and without asking for it, I decided to speak. "What you are suggesting, Mr. Henriquez is the 'kidnapping' of someone you presume is a convict and who is staying within Italian territory?"

He looked at me. I was the only women in the room, and it was plainly written in his expression that he thought I was more fit to be inside a kitchen. "Why, YES, Miss Delton. Might do you some good to dirty your hands a bit. This is necessary! We are talking about a dangerous man who has deliberately caused harm to our nation and we want him BACK. We want justice. I don't think you really understand any of this, MISS DELTON."

Underestimated.

I HATE when people dare underestimate me.

I felt a shiver of delicious coldness through my veins. I crossed my legs and laughed a sultry laugh, as a mother usually does when scolding a foolish child who is behaving in the silliest of matters. We women have a power over men, and when we use it, they tremble.

"What you are suggesting Mr. Henriquez is ridiculous, and since none of my other companions have spoken yet, I will be more than delighted to make YOU understand how farfetched is your plan. I beg you to remember that you are speaking to an equal and for such a reason, remember your place. I will not agree to your proposal and since the man you say is in Italian territory, I'm afraid I have the last word on such a matter. I will not compromise any of my teams for a plan which I deem frightfully inconvenient."

"How dare you speak to me like that!? You are but a child! You are not seeing things as they should be! I demand to speak with your superior. I cannot believe they have sent a woman to do a man's business!"

I smiled, standing up. I walked to him, still smiling. He just stared at me. It was apparent that, mad as he was, he was still man enough to acknowledge that I was rather ethereal looking. His lips slightly parted as men's usually do when they're surprised, disturbed at my sudden nearness. For an instance he was disarmed.

For an instance I was in control, and I took it. Steel eyes met with his dark eyes. His expression was flushed and I was at a distance where he could do nothing but stare back, with a blank stare.

"Next time you even dare suggest that I or any of the people involved in the INTERPOL do something illegal and against the fundamentals of humankind, especially taking into account the investigations on torture and inhuman treatment by human rights groups, I will personally make sure you rot behind bars. And worry not about the kind of business I can handle, I am more than capable of disarming a country if it were necessary. I would worry about the type of business you can handle, Mr. Henriquez. Rest assured, I will communicate to our superiors the obvious lack of correct parameters establishedto select Intelligence Directors in your Nation. I bid you good night."

I looked at the rest. "Gentlemen, I think we can continue this meeting without our dear Mr. Henriquez."

"Bu- But..."

"You've said enough."

He was flustered, but he stood up and rapidly left the room.

"You really have a way with people, Agent Delton." one of the other Directors smiled.

I laughed.

He had NO idea.

Miss Universe Part I

2009-08-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

A tad bit, reporting as the the show goes on. Let's see.

Top 15 Finalists, my favorite 3:
1. Iceland
2. Australia
3. Venezuela

OMG! It's Flo Rida performing. I love Flo Rida. Though these women should move their hips a bit more. They look like pieces of ice. How Frigid!

Finland, honey, that's music, move to it.

Swimsuits, top Moments:

1. Puerto Rico: LOVED HER
2. Iceland: Too Rigid, but very beautiful
3. Albania: hate her glare, and how THIN she is, TOO thin.
4. Dominican Republic: 9.1. AWESOME movements. You go GIRL! I gawked with her.
5. Czech Republic: Is okay.
6. Australia: No movements. 9.2. Too Beautiful.
7. France: Don't like her. 8.6
8. Switzerland: Don't like her either. Doesn't look from Switzerland AT ALL. 8.6
9. South Africa: nice moves! Points? 8.4
10. USA: Pretty but insignificant. 8.0
11. Croatia: Whao. That's a tall woman. 7.8
12. Venezuela: BEAUTIFUL woman. A little thin. 8.7, lacked movement.
13. Belgium: Not worth commenting on.
14. Kosovo: Nah..

I'm missing one! :S Oh no! Well, I guess it's not really important...

Whao. My favorites are definitely Australia, DR, Venezuela, and Iceland. These women need to let go a little, enjoy themselves, Oh! Dresses party. You know what? I'll post more later. Follow @myriamstern in twitter for further details.

Birthday!

2009-08-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

Today is Ashley's mom Birthday and we all decided to help out and make her a grand party. Well, not so much as a GRAND party, because Aunt Jeannette is quite a private person, but we all set out to do something she really likes!

I decided *I*, yours truly, would be making the cake. I was glad to be back in Canada, down in the Vancouver Delton Residence as we all got ready for the very private but quite CHICK bday party.

"I don't understand how you can like cooking that much!" Ash was lying in the couch behind me.

I was wearing the cutest apron and was partially covered in cream as I readied the last details of the cake. It had two layers and was covered in pink coated sugar with very pretty small white flower, lily designs.

"I love cooking! It's relaxing and when it's good, you get to see people enjoy something you've made. Like today! I'm sure you'll all love it because I made it with tons of love!" I smiled.

Ash crept from behind me and almost took a bit of the cream. "NONE of that!"

"Oh come on, just the tiniest bit!"

"No WAY! I won't have you touching my piece of art. Besides, the nutella is part of the FILLING. Knowing you, you'd dig your hand into it without minding that it would turn off with a big whole later!"

"OF COURSE I Wouldn't! I'm NOT a kid! In fact, I'm a married woman, you should totally respect me."

"You're 22, you could be married to a Sultan, and you'd still do something as childish as screw my cake. So away with you or I'll call Rink and have HIM put you in your place."

She flushed, glaring at me. "He wouldn't... put me... in my...." She flushed even brighter "Screw that. Forget about that cake. What can I do then, to help?" She stood up with all her innate arrogance and directed her incredibly intense stare at me, green eyes slightly annoyed.

I laughed. "Everything's ready here. If we have the balloons and the decorations in the house, I think it's pretty much ready. Your mom will love this!"

"Yeah, I think she will."

She took a little list out. "I'm glad I married Rink for a grand variety of reasons, but I love the fact that he's taken his sweet time to plan so many details of this all."

"You should be grateful. Very. Alright! All done." I stared proudly at the cake. "Aw. I know Marie would be so proud of me."

"I'm sure she would, now if I only had a taste......"

As we reached the Vasser mansion (where literally you feel like you're entering a movie), everything was beautifully decorated. It seemed like the stage of ball! I had helped with some of decorations, but mostly, my gift had been the dress Aunt Jeannette was wearing. Simple at a first glance, but it was made with the best of fabrics, colored black so as to bring out how regal she is. It had two tails that fell graciously to the floor, which were made from silk. Strapless and accompanied by Swaroski crystals, she looked like a real queen. She was so happy it practically oozed from her pores. Owen, Ash's dad, was also wearing a suit and quite lovingly holding his wife.

Though a "small" dinner party. There were a lot of people of the industry business. We all summed up to nearly 40 people.

We had an extraordinary time. And now I'm watching Miss Universe! Oh yes, my Critic eye is READY to gossip!

New Day, New Lucy

2009-08-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

Last night I cried myself to sleep and this morning I decided it was enough! I had a little talk with Caroline Richardson, who reminded me about a few set of things. One: I'm the most beautiful female you will ever encounter! Two: I'm one of the SMARTEST girls you'll ever meet. Three: I have all sorts of talents, and yes, I know just how to use them. Well, the truth is that she gave one of her "confidence-recovery lessons". To quote her, she said "Honey, one week with me and I could give the VIRGIN MARY enough confidence to lose her---"

That was just a very blasphemous thing to say! ><

Anyways. I decided to get my act together and I would start TODAY! I'm young and I'm quite lucky to have the things I have! It was about time that I woke from my stupor and recovered some of that enthusiasm I had before. Don't you think? No more crying or moping around! :)

As a new women, my day was FULL of activities. First thing in the morning, I had some negotiations at the office. I wore very awesome clothing as usual. Of course, I have a reputation to keep. Even while I had my crisis, I was ALWAYS dressed to kill, with THE most modern designs and obviously 'kill-me' awesome looking. As I entered the office the difference was pure attitude. No more scared and worried Lucille. Oh no. I rather like the power of my own feminity. Literally... a click of my fingers and the guys were practically at my feet. I can't believe I had forgotten how this felt. I'm not like Carol that would abuse of such power. As an ethereal looking being, I must be rough while apparently being gentle. Amazing.

I exited the office, feeling great with myself. I laughed, placing my dark dolce glasses and getting on my BRIGHT pink convertible Beetle. Yes. Yes. Yes! I really wanted the attention. I called Samuel to go eat with him in THE most talked about restaurant of Milan. I walked in and effectively, doors opening, they sat us in THE best table and offered some champagne on the house. After all, I am a very VERY popular designer.

"LucIA, Darling! I can FEEL your VIBE! OMG! You're giving ME the goosebumps." Sammy giggled.

I lowered my glasses and looked at him, smiling and biting my lips slightly. "That's because, in the end, you're a man, I can exercise my control over your kind."

Sammy laughed. "Arr! Tigress! Welcome back!"

"And I AM back!" I cheered with him.

After that, I went to the MIX restaurant along with some other friends. Again, we called the attention of everyone in the place. I received some free drinks from random gentlemen. I smiled, really enjoying myself.

Finally, you know what came up next, right? Yes, you do. I went CLUBBING. It had been so long, the music was downright contagious. I couldn't help but being absorbed by the excitement of it all.

Sammy, Caroline and Ashley were in the club too. Sammy would later share with me the conversation they had while I climbed on a table and showed my quite unique dance moves and stole a couple of hearts.

"What have you done...." Ash gasped.

"I finally unleashed her."

"Fuck that shit! OH MY GOD!"

Oh my God indeed!! Hold on to your hearts, this party is BARELY getting started!

In my Skin

2009-08-21T22:50:00.000-07:00

When I'm called into the office I must come. Period. There are no "buts" in my line of work. You either appear when you're needed or better not appear at all. Being boss, of course, has its benefits. I usually don't have to be IN the office to know what's happening or to give orders to the rest of the deparment. Nonetheless, I try to let them all know I'm there. My night round with Vincenzo had definitely occupied most of my mind during the entire morning, but after some time I became absorbed with work.

At about 2:00 am I was still in the office. We were all there, but as it happens, at night time, and at that hour, the environment becomes incredibly silent. I sat in front of my computer, in my desk, inside the biggest office of the second floor.

Santiago came in and brought me a cup of coffee.

"Oh, thank you, but I don't drink coffee."

"Nah boss. Just drink this one cup. It's pretty cold inside this building. You need to warm yourself and besides, there's no tea. So... take your caffeine drink and cheer up. Hopefully we'll be done before the sun comes out."

I smiled at him fondly. "Thank you."

He returned the smile. I noticed his slight flush of the cheeks and the way he swayed his body back in forth in obvious satisfaction. "Nothing, really."

Ever since Johnathan had left towards England the office was quiet.

Truthfully? I was just thinking about how I really wanted to sleep. I was so tired. Drinking the coffee, I continued working until three in the morning, when we had finally finished what we had to do and I took off for my house.

I know I complain most of the time, and I whine a lot. I'm completely conscious about that. I often think that I rather not talk to anyone at all about it, because it feels like I'm imposing on them. That is why writing all these feelings is what helps me out the best. It feels like I'm writing to a million invincible people who read these words because they want, not because they're obliged to do so.

Why do I seek so desperately to be accepted and loved? Maybe it had to do with my parents. Maybe it had to do with the institute itself. I do know that some years ago, I was completely and utterly sure of where I was going, and all I had in my hands were illusions of grandeur. Today, I don't know where I'm really going, though I know what I like to do.

I beleive love moves everything. We act because of love. We are always seeking someone who loves us and takes care of us, or sometimes we search for someone to love. Both aspects are incredibly important.

Who am I kidding? My heart is broken in too many pieces and I'm having a hard time putting it together. That is why I feel safest when I'm working and I forget I even have a life anymore. I'm alone. I walk this lonely road. My brother has his life and I feel incredibly happy for him. My parents are dead. Everyone has someone they're fighting for.

I seem to have found some light in Vincenzo. I don't know him. I don't know if I like him. I've only chatted three times with him. I enjoy his company; he is an Adonis, but what happens now? Did I act too rashly? Did I break many rules? Now what!

I need to sleep! Good Night!

OMFG!!

2009-08-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

I had sex. But not just any sex. Sex with Vincenzo Milazzo. OMFG. What have I done!? What just happened!?

It started out as me prooving my innate ability to seduce men. Well, it is true that I am quite good at it. And well, I might like Vincenzo a bit... he has one hell of a body. Anyways. I went to his apartment with every intention of seducing him.

And it was a pretty wild night...!

My Story

2009-08-20T17:20:00.000-07:00

I was born December 8th. It was snowing. A lot.

No one, absolutely no one, knew that I was going to be a girl. I always thought my parents dreamed over and over that I would be a boy that could compete with the already male Delton in the family, Leonardo. Nonetheless, I was their great deception. They were not expecting to see a little girl within the blankets when the nurses handed them, their child. It was tough luck. Now there was a probability that the other brothers or sisters would have another male child. Either way, they were not interested in a female. They did not want to raise a girl. They found it pointless. After all, women in the Delton family married rich and that was their purpose in life.

Of course, I never noticed any of this. I would be reminded of my "tragic" first year of life by my grandmother on a daily basis. She would often say 'because you didn't see your mother's face when she found out your sex, oh! the horror!' and she laughed.

A year after my birth, my parents got their wish: they had a boy. However, as a busy couple of society they failed to give him as much attention as they wanted to give him. They did conmemorate his existence and they did spoil him on a daily basis, but still he didn't receive as much parental love as he deserved. In return, I saw my little brother as the family jewel. From the first moment I saw him, I loved him with every fiber of my being. I wanted to protect that little baby whose eyes stared right at my own. I wanted to be an example to him, someone he could look up to, someone he would also love. I knew what would be my role towards this neoborn: I was his big sister.

Talking about knowing what I had to do. I was a very advanced toddler. By the time Eric was born I could talk, walk, and was well aware of my sense of self. In other words, I was no average one year old. My grandmother noticed, my grandfather noticed, but my parents simply ignored that their child had practically learned to talk on her own.

I took my role as big sister very seriously. I wanted to be someone Eric could depend on. And, even though my parents tried to ignore my existence, they were just indifferent, they were never cruel, and from time to time they would make sure I had what a healthy child should have. I never thought they hated me. Quite the contrary, I think they saw me as a challenge that they never had the courage to face. In various occassions my mother would take a brush and try to touch my hair, but she would panic and would later talk to me in a week or two. I didn't mind as long as I was needed. If they needed me to be Eric's entertainment, I was content. If they needed me to be in the house, I was happy. It didn't matter if they didn't love me as I loved them, but they were my parents and I felt that somehow I had to protect them from their own fear.

As I grew, I was happy with my cousins and other Delton family members. There was no way I would ever let go of those great moments of life when I could run about free and laugh out loud. I really enjoyed my childhood.

As a Delton child, I was very privileged. I would sleep in a mansion when a great party was being held in the first floor. I would sneak away from my bedroom and I would sigh with delight as I saw the beautiful dresses, the diamonds, the sparlking life of the high society. I wondered how I would grow up to be and if I would also be able to wear such sublime clothing with as much ease as these people did. I was four when I accompanied my mother to a fashion show she had been invited to, and I fell in love with it all. I wanted to design, I wanted to draw, I wanted to create! I also wanted an excuse to have my mother admire me and acknowledge me. If she loved the designs, she would surely notice me. I desperately wanted her approval.

These were not the thoughts a little child was supposed to have. At the age of five I had discovered my love for fashion, but I had also discovered that I was very particular. I understood high level math. I could follow patterns and complete equations. It was not difficult for me to create completely logical conclusions from previously set premises. I was different, and I was scared. I had already acquired a very particualr passion for reading, and that had not gone unnoticed.

"You are very strange indeed, Lucille." My grandmother was the only one who would ever address me on those particular subjects.

"Why is that grandma?" I would tilt my head and pretend I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Don't play dumb with me, Lucille. It is alright. I have noticed. You are very much like me. Extraordinarily smart. That is important, Lucille Marie. We need to polish those skills of yours. I will take care of that."

At that moment, I didn't know what she meant, but I feared I would find out soon enough. As a result, I tried to spend as much time with my brother and family. What would happen with me? I never feared my grandmother like the rest of my family, but I knew she thrilled in creating havoc. A few months after our chat, I thought nothing would come of it. I kept pretending I was normal. I trained my hand to follow a series of patterns that would create alluring designs for those who viewed them. It made me happy to see that I had enough talent to be an artist.

It all came to an end when I was seven. My grandmother had single handedly convinced my parents that I should be trained with the best of the best, in an institute that would polish my engineering skills. I was seven when father and mother left me to fend for myself, all alone in Italy, in some institute.

The years that followed were very strange. Other children my age and a little older (or younger) were with me. Though our numbers did not surpass ten, we were treated as though we were destruction tools and the highest security was enabled to keep us inside. As always, I had decided to make the best of it, and I did. I loved computers maybe even more than fashion. It was the greatest pleasure to travel among an enormous labyrinth of webs and channels. I felt like I had the power to do anything, and I did! At first I was timid, but then the rushes of adrenaline took over. I was trained, trained to understand every type of software, but also trained to manipulate, create it, destroy it. I could practically design anything I wanted. If I wanted to keep on with my fashion related desires, I could create an entire program that would allow me to take my drawings from paper to a 3D form in the computer. I was enticed, I was absorbed. I usually wrote letters to my parents, but never got responses. Sometimes I would receive a postcard with absolutely no words. Those were very special. I would place them under my pillow.

The other children, who against my wishes I can not call friends because we were more like people in a similar situation, questioned my habits. They didn't understand how I could love in such an insane manner the very people who had sold me to the government (which is exactly what the Deltons had done).

"I love them." I would answer "If I was left here to be trained, and if one day my training is enough to protect them, then it will be enough. As long as I can keep on loving them, I don't mind if they don't return the feelings with such intensity. That is what I think. That is my purpose."

They never understood, but they respected me.

The people at the Institute would allow me to visit my parents in vacations (a month in summer and winter). It was the happiest time during that period. Eric and I would talk nonstop (he always wrote me back). We would usually escape to those typical worlds of illusions where children run to. He'd tell me about his dream to become the leader of the Deltons and about his dream of also being a pilot. I would listen to him and smile. It was fantastic.

Then I would return to the Institute and train more. As I grew, the skills I was introduced to became more difficult. I had to train my mind and body. I had to balance the technology with a great amount of abilities that would allow me to be an even more effective weapon. By the time I was fourteen, I had finished a college degree and I was considered a genius. So were the other kids my age. I loved what I had become. I fancied myself a spy. But still, I was a teenager, with the angst and drama that comes with the age.

At 14 my parents died. It became my personal hell. I changed, my world crashed. At 14 they were dead and I had not yet been acknowledged by them. They had not seen what I could do, what I would do, what I would become. It infuriated me and at the same time I felt lost and without a way. What hurt me the most was my family's reaction to the death. They didn't seem to mind. Their world remained unshattered, while mine crumbled. My grandmother had even hinted that their death was for the better....

...and that was the first time I discovered the dangerous potential hidden within me. I simply connected that night and hacked 25 million dollars from the Deltons' bank account. There was no remorse, I didn't even blink as I did it. No guilt. With that money, I designed and built (with the help of my companions), the jet which my brother would later call Celine: a super advanced plane with artificial intelligence. I'm sure grandma knew it had been me, because next time we met she eyed me with a great deal of respect. She would not create a scandal among her own kin, but she knew what I was capable of now, and she knew I could do more.

A few weeks later I was contacted by the INTERPOL. I had been referenced by the Institute itself. In my inexperience I had also done one simple mistake that had led them to suspect me as the author behind the Delton Bank Account theft. We made a deal: I would become their agent, they would take my little work of borrowed money to the grave. Next thing I knew I was an agent at the age of 15, leading a double life. I was in high school once again, but I investigated the parents of those in my society. I was in high school, but I already had a degree in Mechanics and Engineering. I played two roles perfectly: the high school prom queen, fashion lover vs. the undercover agent. I was a bit of a mess, though. I would often sleep with a boy, just to druge and hack his computer and gain all the dirt on his father or mother. I would do anything to justify my existence. And I did, and I had fun. I led two lives, but then again, I could do it.

After that, the rest is all known. I think I've written enough.

Sugar Rain

2009-08-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the supermarket. Shopping is one of my many talents, whether it be groceries or clothing, I always find a way of getting the best of the best. It's not strange, people in my usual super know me pretty well. They usually help me get the greatest fruits and veggies, and they're always so nice to me. It's going out with all the bags that's the problem. I usually blink prettily to two or three italian men nearby and they will immediately act as knights in shinning armor who pull my problems away and into the car.

So... after I'm in the car, then what? I get to my studio, and I have to pick my stuff all on my own. The building consierge is a fat, lazy man, who wouldn't help me with my groceries unless I were an extra cold beer bottle. I frown at him, but he merely growls, adding what's obvious "I've done my share of women, those pretty big eyes won't make me move from my chair". At this point, I feel like crying. I hate violence. Well, I hate brutality, and having to force myself more than usual. Women, and you might judge me for what I'm about to say, but we're generally delicate creatures. We should be pampered and at the same time serve.

~sigh~ This world is so disastrous because we've lost our balance.

I finally got to my house and unpacked everything. I gave Nemo his food and then sat in front of my mega computer for a while.

I take the hands off the keyboard for a second....

You know what? I believe in humanity. I believe that, in fact, deep down, we're all looking for a way to become better. I have faith that we're good. When we do something wrong, I believe it's because we're lacking in something else and we seek in the undergrounds of this world a way to fill in the emptiness of our miserable existence. But I believe in love. I believe that good will triumph if there ever was a war between light and darkness, I will settle for the light. Just because. It's a simply minded way of thinking, but I need to trust in the goodness that lies within all of us.

There you find my hope and dreams.

Nonetheless, as an Intelligence agent, I have no time to reflect upon good or evil, light or dark. I simply have a mission and I execute it. I do so, thinking that my actions are effectively making the world a better place.

I work on homicide, rape, theft.... every possible crime you can imagine. I don't usually go to the crime scene, though. It is not usually required. However, this morning, I was called to a small house located in the perimeter of the city. It was empty save for three corpses, hanging upside down, their blood having been drained. One of them was an 8 year old child. At that moment, I lost all contact with my ideals and hopes, and I just thought about hunting down and torturing anyone who would do such a thing. Apparently, the criminal's Modus Operandi was to do just that, leave the bodies as I explained and he also left a tape. It took me two hours to find a voice such as his own and locate him. I sent a team to capture him but I couldn't go. The reason for not going was simple: If I saw that beast I would've killed it.

It's rather contradictory. I believe that we degenerate sometimes to a point where we leave behind all semblance of humanity. I, myself, give in to my instincts in the strangest of ways. I won't talk about that now. But when it does happen, when I let go of my emotion and become entirely rational I eliminate from the genetic pool any beast that would commit a crime such as the one I had witnessed.

I think about it now. I once told a person that there were characteristics of the 'core' me, that would never disappear. I love fashion, I love my 9mm gun, I love my brother, I love a lot... I love, freely because you should live like that. I love cooking, and archery and yoga and pilates, and my little fish, and Marie, and Ash, and Vero, Carol, and my family... I suffer a bit from ADD, I'm exceptionally smart. I like karaoke, I want to change the world, even if a little, I want to be desperately needed. I guess there's much to say about that. But maybe another day.

Right now, I feel as I always feel when I write, more alone than ever, but I couldn't be in better company. I guess that for today, I will let go of it all and I'll just go clubbing like any 24 year old. Or maybe I won't, because that is no longer important to me. Maybe I'll go to a quiet place and just look at the stars, and fall asleep beneath the grand lake of blue. Maybe I'll dream of having dreamed everything altogether.

Maybe I'll just do something crazy tonight! Yes, I think that's it. Tonight, I'll just hide within the world. Where no one can find me, where I can breathe, where pain and hate subside, and only nature exists.

Maybe. :P

Noncompliance

2009-08-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow it's double the hours at work. I feel like I want to curl up in my bed and stay under the covers. The apartment is so silent at this hour. I listen to some soft music and drink some white wine in hopes that sleep will come soon. Nonetheless, it doesn't come and I'm still in front of the computer. The classic music has given way into some sort of soft pop.

I'm the Director of Intelligence of the Interpol-Italy. No big secret there. I'm always being interviewed and asked all types of questions. I'm 24. How did I make it here so young? How does it feel? Does it feel as though I've conquered the world? Have I made it? They question me about my PHD about my genius IQ, about the way I handle crimes and investigations. Sometimes I'm listening to the questions, other times I'm thinking about a pretty dress I'd like to design. It's as if two people live inside of me. One who loves mental games and enjoys the position of power given by my talent. The other is much calmer but enjoys the attention all the same: a designer an overachiever, a model... a believer.

It started to rain. I want to hold a hand, I want to whisper into someone's ear how warm it is under the covers, I want to embrace someone and allow them to hold me close. I want peace for the world, for myself, for my dearest friends. I want to sleep, for a long time, dreaming of a world where kisses and caresses are as real as my illusions.

It's so lonely right now. The winds is blowing. Nemo is swimming around in his tank. He is my companion. In the darkness, when not even the light of the moon accompanies me, I think about my existence. Who is this Lucille and what does she do? And then I realize that all I do is complain. I think I'm shutting down this blog, at least you woudln't have to see this wicked side of me. I'm so tired. If I close the blog then I wouldn't be tempted to write. IN fact, I wouldn't write at all.

It might not be so bad a move.

Sometimes I wonder... how can I get rid of all this regret?

Big Bang Theory

2009-08-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

Yes. I am completely obsessed with the series. I feel rather nerdy when I watch the show and understand the jokes. This goes completely against my "I'm a fashion star" image. However, I guess I can keep up with both worlds. They're equally entertaining and appealing. I love Sheldon. He's my favorite!

"Whao, Sheldon you're so smart!"
"Smart? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be considered smart."

It's very entertaining and I highly reccomend it when you don't want to study for some dumb exam you're supposed to take tomorrow. Your mind is just not in the mood for it, you know?

I'm always thinking about my future and about love and about all these silly little things that generally trouble women in their 25s when they still don't have a relationship. I mean, I've had my fair amount of men... but now I have to question myself... would I rather have had ONE that's worth it than hundreds that were just a big waste of my time. You'd think "hey, you have the experience". Oh big deal! Experience isn't essential for a relationship. It's not like you gain "experience points" and "level up". Oh boy, I've been watching TOO much Big Bang Theory (BBT). The thing is, each male is a world apart. I might have experience with a lot, but that experience is totally and completely worthless with the upcoming candidate. It's all a pile of Schamooza if you know what I mean!

What is wrong with me, you ask? Well, it's just that right now, I don't know where I'm going related to men. At all. I have friends who are suffering the aftershocks of a breakup. I have friends who have just found the love of their lives. I have friends that have been in love with the same guy ever since 7 years of age. I have all types of friends who live with all types of guys.

What's the difference between me and the rest of the world? I'm beautiful, I know how to cook, I'm funny, I have a great body, I'm good in bed.... well, apparently I'm still lacking the golden piece which men look for. I guess I need a big sign which reads "Lost foxy lady, please give her a home."

Talking about home, I think I'll get another fish tank. I want more fishies to pretty it up.

Remember: Fish are friends, not food.

Bye now!

Posting Once Again

2009-08-08T18:37:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been posting much lately, but I have been very busy with work and a whole lot of changes in my life. Nonetheless I'm back and as you see I've also changed my blog page! I loved the theme! It's called "Morning Sunshine". I even got the pretty little fishes that remind me of Nemo.

There have been a lot of changes here and there, hopefully all for the better. I still like green tea, though. I don't think that will ever change. I've officially filled my agenda with an exceeding amount of events. I can't bare the fact of being lonely these days or even stopping to breathe. Therefore I go to work in the morning, afterwards I work at the store designing the most beautiful dresses and clothing my hand and imagination will allow me to, and then I go home, to change, to arrive at some fancy party or some donation event. I must, under any circumstance, get myself tired enough to sleep.

Sometimes the house is so very quiet. I have some beautiful soft background music that soothes me and is smooth enough to allow me a fantastic dreamy night. I usually make dinner and dooze off. Living in Milan has its advantages, you can sometimes hear people screaming at night and the sounds of the wild night accompany you. Even as I lay awake sometimes, thinking random things, I imagine another world of fantasy and cunning, of dazzling knights saving damsels and great dragons being defeated. I usually fall asleep to the image of another me holding a great bow and arrow and participating in games of will and strategy. And when the daydream becomes a night dream, it is so lucid I can even taste the air as it commends me to start the game.

And therefore this is the theme for this theme: welcome to a place of dreams.

I'm glad to be posting once again! Lucille Delton reporting for duty! Roger out!

Morning Sunshine

2009-05-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

(Technically, this is for the creator's enjoyment only, characters WOULD not be reading any of this)

I have a terrible headache. This morning, the heater in my studio got totally screwed up and there was no cold water. To make matters worse, I'm a genius, but I don't do plumbing. So I call the plumber first thing in the morning.

As Italians go he gives me a long speech of the art of plumbing.

"Yeah... but when will you be around?"

"Prontisimo..."

In italiano, that's the same as you better get used to cold water for a few more weeks.

Sighing, I let that slip. They say cold water is good for you after all. If it's not good for me, at least I'll pretend that everything is fine while I freeze to my death.

I called Samuel and told him, the store was under his supervision today. It's becoming a habit as of late. I take the mornings for my real job and then do the hobby-store thing in the afternoons, though I can technically work wherever I have connection to a network. Nonetheless, I was recently promoted to the person in charge of Technological Intelligence, thus converting me in a field agent once more.

The thing I like most about field work is the adrenaline and the overall feeling of authority. I get a kick out of it. Although pink is my favorite color, I wear solemn colors to work. Though I own a pink Beetle as my 'usual' car, I have a black corvette safely tucked away in a garage near here, only accesible by code. Code which I have, and which I've specialized in making not vulnerable. And I beg your pardon, I just don't walk to the garage, obviously. We all have assigned lockers located in the basement of the building. Mine just happens to have a direct hallway that leads to the garage and the car. I can't really be connected to it in any way, can I?

I get to the INTERPOL headquarters, located right outside the city and of course, I'm received with every possible honor. These particular headquarters are specialized in my branch: networking. Only the people within that building and of course, the secretary general of the INTERPOL are allowed to know my real name. Everyone inside that building is protected to a maximum level. That's why, from that point onward there's no sense in pretending Lucia Piucelli is more than a cover. From that point on, I'm addressed as Agent Lucille Delton. Just the sound of it, makes my lips quirk upwards.

Many say I'm much like my brother in this sense. We have an incredible way of adapting to circumstance and take great pleasure in positions of power. Oh, I take great pleasure in positions alright... but having power, is a whole new level.

"Michaela... The reports, now."

"Yes, Ma'am." Michaela is one of the youngest in the team. She is only 18, petite, has dirty blonde hair and big brown eyes. The girl looks incapable of killing a spider; she has single-handedly cut the electricity of New York City... three times.

"Lucille, good morning, I have your coffee for you." I turned to spot Santiago. He's from Chile and an expert in locating people all around the globe. We have worked together for at least three years now. He's 5'9, blue eyes, brown, slightly curly hair. He's excellent at what he does, at the age of 24 he can easily hack a National Bank. Nonetheless he is no threat to humanity; he spends most of his time looking for porn in the computer. I haven't caught him at it again. Last time I did I threathened I'd cut his dick off, and with God as a witness, I would've. We don't play with people lives, this is not a game.

"Thank you, Santiago." I don't really like coffee. I rather have tea, but coffee is the only thing that wakes me up to 110%.

The other members of my team where already sitting in their seats and ready for action.

My "vigilante", Gavin (though we call him Hawk), barely looked up from the screen. He was always listening to music, but he had a knack to spot any transaction in any phone call, any email: if it was electronical, he would surely find it. He had a Neo complex and usually wore his black glasses to work. Last time I saw his eyes, they were dark brown eyes, combined with black hair that he kept tied back with a ponytail. At 29 he didn't talk much either.

In the back of the room, with paperwork, was Alodie, a french 27 year old, brown haired girl, with hazel eyes. Generally, she was extremely good at anything related to catching people. She set great baits for hackers and crackers alike. She had a list of all her outer friends and all the songs they downloaded, in case she needed to blackmail them some day. Together with Michaela, we were quite close friends.

Xander, the defender of the people, stood up instantly the moment he saw me walk in. He was another field agent who loved to take on the most hard core missions just for the sake of it. He had the body of a muscle builder champion therefore making all 6 feet of him quite impressing. In the room, he was probably the brawns over the brains guy, although he'd graduated from MIT back when he was 19. Now, at the age of 31, he said he'd forgotten most of the technological aspects and had just retained the part where he tackled the enemy down.

Last but not least, completing the team was the most enigmatic of our members. Johnathan Wilbatten Windsor was Prince of England. Contrary to his ancestors, who had joined the army and had fought in Afghanistan, John had opted to join the INTERPOL forces considering them much more civilized. He had intense blue eyes and black hair and he was only a year older than me. He was 5'11 and had a cunning mind. No one could relate him to his brother, King Richard. John had stubble, his bangs covered one side of his face and his hair was shoulder length. He could shout it to the world that he was royalty and the most he would get was a penny in a hat and a pat on the shoulder. That or he'd be taken to the loony bin. John had a strange way of perceiving things. If he had a 'feeling', that feeling was generally correct. His other persona was a lights ingineer.

Within the walls of the building, every secret could be exposed.

I sat down in my office, and Michaela immediately handed me the reports. "So... how was it?"

"How was what?" I stared at the reports not looking up to her.

"The dinner, with your boyfriend... weren't you planning to do something fun?" she beamed at me.

I put down the reports and quirked an eyebrow at her. "Yes, well, it was... alright."

"Alright! What's the 411?" she sat in the chairs placed in front of my desk.

"M, I almost have to go, the Cardenian twins are..."

"Forget the CARDENIAN twins, Lucy! Oh my God! They're going to be stealing for some more minutes, we have them thoroughly checked, therefore they won't be leaving anywhere... you'll go get them in five minutes. Now tell me!"

I smiled to myself. "Christian is... gentle, and smart, and when he smiles... oh when he smiles... He talked about his sisters and how much he loved them and I think my heart did a little cartwheel in my chest..."

"Oh Mio Dio, you love him!"

"Of course I love him. Duh. Though if he knew what I really was he'd probably KILL me. Did you know? I told him about my pink beetle, and he said I couldn't be careless, a woman like me living alone."

Michaela stared at my dumbfounded. "... he really has no idea?"

"I'm sworn to secrecy, aren't I?"

I heard a knock on the door. We both looked up at him.

"What is it, Hawk?"

"Umm.... Director... the Cardenians brothers are on the move."

"SHIT." I stood up immediately, running outside the room. Johnathan and Xander were immediately behind me. We doned our bullet proof coats and armed ourselves with our weapons. I grabbed my two beautiful 9mm guns, and we walked into the garage. Our car was all ready for the action.

John stared at me and laughed. "I bet Christian would love to see you like this."

"Shut up, Johnathan."

The moment we reached our destination and stepped out of the car, I saw the first bullet pass right through me. I could hear Alodie's voice inside my ear. "We have a complete thermal scan of the area, they are located in the following coordinates..." I immediately placed special made glasses and saw the coordinates through them. Talk about technology rules.

"They're right in front of us to the left."

"I have them." John whispered and rapidly moving, shot twice.

"Did you get them?"

"I think I got one of them."

"You think?" I stared at him "God, you're bloody awful at this."

"Eh, I'm sorry, Miss Fashion, they are armed to their teeth, next time, I'll be sure to stand still and have them hole me through."

Alodie spoke again. "You have three unknowns walking towards you."

"Xander, Johnathan, give those guys our special welcome, I'll handle the brothers up there."

They both nodded. Soon enough I heard the exchange behind me.

Good. My turn. The adrenaline rushed through my veins. It was time. Now, Lucille Delton, NOW. I stood up raising both guns, staring at the brothers as they aimed at me. I raised the 9mm and fired. They moved away from the other and I slid behind their car. Then, it was just a matter of time, before I crept back out, shot 10 shots into the oldest brother and then 5 into the youngest. Then they were dead, and we had succesfully stopped the information transference.

Johnathan and Xander came back almost immediately. Xander was slightly bleeding. I nodded towards them "Mission complete on this part. I just transferred their data and sent it to HQ."

"Perfect. The three guys we caught were also involved."

"You didn't kill them, did you?" I quirked an eyebrow

"As protocol demands, they are to be taken for questioning."

"Good." I nodded. "Gentlemen, it's been a good morning, let's get ourselves a round of ice tea!"

Xander and John laughed. "We'd rather have beers."

Shooting

2009-05-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

I shot 60 bullets today. 30 to the head, 10 to the heart, 10 to the stomach, five to the knees and five to the crotch. I didn't miss one bullet. Not only did my shooting instructor almost flee in terror, but he took various steps away from me. When I changed the shooting target I violently threw it towards the floor and replaced it with a new one. It was only then that I realized I was out of bullets.

"Miss Piucelli, I think that is enough."

Who needs arrows when you have guns?

"Can't I buy more?"

"Of course... you can, Miss Piucelli, but that is not reccommendable at this point. You have already exhausted yourself thoroughly without a doubt?"

I quirked an eyebrow.

"I'll get you more immediately." He gulped

10 minutes later he was back with the most experienced instructor and a box of fresh new bullets. I helped myself to the whole box, practicing with movement, different positions...

"Miss Piucelli..." the instructor stopped me after I was done (the older one that is). "Have you ever considered joining the SWAT?" He was only half joking.

I gawked. "Umm.... no. Never! I don't like any of those things! I mean, it's a grand ideal! But me? I just like designing clothing! Really."

He stared at me. Looked at how I held the gun, then at my face again. "It doesn't seem to me like you don't like any of these things..."

I let go of the gun. "Please excuse me." I was back to a more serious kind of work and I needed my skills polished. Can't a girl practice without being molested? So I was good with a gun. I had my ways with weapons.

As I moved to the car, my mobile phone started vibrating. I took it out of my purse nonchalantly and pressed it to my ear. "Yes?"

Shit.

Watashi WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....!

2009-04-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

The toilet is on the floor.

No. Wait. The toilet is the floor?

The toilet in my hotel room is awesome. But this... this gives me goosebumps. I HAD to take a picture on my sidekick and blog about it, because I am in horror.

We're at a traditional restaurant. I'm with part of the executives of the fashion show, some designer friends, and we're celebrating the first day of the show, which turned out to be marvelous. I need to go to the bathroom, I excuse myself and find this:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_tP1d8_RJ3Ps/STzd4TFJkBI/AAAAAAAAAK4/ls0EKlYTm5A/s400/squat+toilet.jpg

Oh. You've got to be kidding me.

As I look around the room. I find THIS:

http://www.japanitup.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/japanese-toilet.jpg

Oh, so help me GOD, I am NOT squatting, as though I were in some grass field. NO WAY. I can't DO that. Though colorful and pinkish, it's all so disturbing I exit the room and go back to the table. My face is pale. They ask me what's wrong, but I can't insult their tradition, let alone can I tell them that I really need TO PEE, but won't do so because I refuse to squat.

The evening slows considerably. Every time someone mentions water, I get dizzy. 20 minutes later, squatting doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

"Alright, for the main course now." says a friend.

My eyes widen in horror.

I had to do it.

....

I'm not liking Japan so much anymore.

We leave the restaurant and head towards one of those shows, where you watch geishas dancing to the pretty sound of the music. Okay much better.

Have to go now! Ciao! :D

btw. I miss my BF!! T_T

Geisha Dreams

2009-04-25T22:44:00.000-07:00

I'm in japan.

For Starters: I was supposed to leave in one of the Delton airplanes. Oh. Turned out, that since I didn't leave when I said I would (because I stayed with my boyfriend during the rest of the day), I had to take a commercial airline. I ended up booking a flight, last minute. Luckily, I was able to find a first class offer in Alitalia. And I was surprised! The flight would only take 12 hours and 10 minutes. I didn't think twice. If I didn't get to that fashion show in Japan, I would've certainly lost good future clients. For sure.

I got into the plane, making last minute reservations in the Ritz-Carlton in Tokyo. http://www.ritzcarlton.com/en/Properties/Tokyo/Default.htm Jealous much?

The flight. I get really bored in airplanes given the fact that I'm a naturally full of adrenaline person. Therefore, I was simply moving in my chair, playing sudoku, watching movie, taking out laptop, putting laptop back in, reading book, putting away book, turning off the reading light, turning it back on again, going to the bathroom, moving my feet, moving the reclinable seat... by the 8th hour, I just stared blankly at the airplane ceiling. It was white. Or blue? I was seeing different colors. As I stared at my watch and realized there were still 4 more hours to go, I tried to get some sleep. That didn't work, either. I searched the whole plane for a bloody flight attendant who could give me some tylenol sleep or anything that would send me over to Morpheus' side. No one had anything. No one knew what I was talking about. At the 9th hour I was regretting ever taking the trip. At the 10th hour I imagined myself as a bloodsucking zombie and realized my eyes were heavy. Was I getting sleepy? At the 11th hour, I closed my eyes! YES! I WAS SLEEPING! FINALLY! YAY! Hooray! When I woke up I felt refreshed and ready to arrive. I had probably left for the remaining hour and thirty minutes, had I not? I smiled at my watch. The smile disappeared.

15 minutes.

I slept for 15 minutes.

When I finally arrived to Japan, I felt the whole world turning around. If I had consumed alcohol I would've blamed it on some margarita. But no, I was suffering some potent jet lag.

By the time I arrived to the hotel at noon, I was missing Christian. I wanted to just go back home and hug him. I felt like crying. Did jet lag make you sensible too? Was he missing me too?

Eric called me a bitch for coming to Japan without him. Well, SO-UGH-RRY.

I couldn't phone Christian. Is something wrong with the phones here? Should I dial backwards so that this blo*** Shi*** gets FU*** working. Ugh. I'm not a person prone to saying bad words, but I will say one bad word if I so much as see another plane.....

My mood got better as I wrote the first part of this blog. Christian will probably read it and know I'm well. I have to call him. Can't get my phone to work. Will buy a calling card tomorrow. Does he care if I phone or not? is he worried? ugh. Luciaaaa, calm down.

I got comfy in the hotel and went to sleep.

Now, Today...

I've visited a lot of places. The fashion show is tomorrow, reason why I got to do some tourism. Like:

1.A traditional tea ceremony (YAY) It was soooooooooo coool! :D
2. Went to some japanese temples
3. Met a Kyudo master
4. Used Japanese Toilet Slippers http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e9/JapaneseToiletSlippers.jpg
(No comments)
5. Ate fish and rice for breakfast
6. Went to a japanese festival.

Btw. I'm not understanding ANYTHING. I do have a friend that's guiding me around. If I didn't have him, I wouldn't have gotten back to the hotel, because no one really speaks English over here... or french, or Italian, or even german.

I bought myself the Learning japanese gameboy advanced game. Hope that works.

Did I mention I miss Christian? I miss youuuuuuuuuu!

The Other Me

2009-04-23T14:05:00.000-07:00

Born: December 8th -- SAGITTARIUS

I'm not a GEMINI, though apparently, everything about me wants to be. Sometimes I want something with all my being, yet a part of me wants just the contrary. Take breakfast, for example. This morning I wanted pancakes. BIG, JUICY, COVERED WITH MAPLE SYRUP pancakes. Nonetheless, a small part of my brain said "NO, FRUITS! FRUITS!". I ended up having coffee at the local cafeteria and a croissant on my way to work.

And these are the small decisions. You have no idea how tough it is to decide what pair of shoes I'll be wearing for the day.

Just like that, my insecurities are all reflected into that part of my head, or my heart, or my soul. I read a friend of mine talk about damaged goods, God, and I could relate. Damaged? More like totally and completely hopeless in this side. Is it normal? Is it normal for someone to have these many voices coming from within urging you to do things that, in principle, are contrary to your nature? I just wish I weren't so scared all the time.

I told her, I'd carved my place, and I did. I created somewhere where I could live. As to finding a place? No. I'm still searching. And I'm so scared I might just give in, into these insecurities that consume me.

SEARCHING FOR A ROOMIE!!

2009-04-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

Ashley and Caroline are both here, helping me move things from here to there. I just came back from the party after my fashion show. It was great. But... I feel pretty uncomfortable.

"Hey..."

Both girls turn to look at me. They both have very commanding expressions. Ashley's eyes, fierce green, stare at me as though she responds to no one. Carol's light blue eyes let everyone know that she considers she rules the world and no one else. How did I ever befriend such people? ^^;

"What?" Ashley snarls. She doesn't like the idea of helping me pick up the apartment, but she's passing through, staying over the night.

Carol looks at her and crosses her arms. "Tone it down over there, monkey. Just because your loverboy isn't here, we've had enough of your sulking."

Ashley frowns and fixes the books in the shelves. "FYI, I'm meeting up with Rink tomorrow. I wonder if Leo's giving it to you, though.... you've been in a horrible mood, cousin." she smirks.

As they both start bickering over something so completely pointless, I stare. They're not listening to me. Of course they're not.

"Hey........" I try again, but I'm invisible now as they're revealing intimate details of their love life I have no interest whatsoever in knowing about.

I'm still being ignored.

"I SAID HEY!" I scream.

They both stare at me, as though I've lost it. I don't like forcing my voice.

"I'm sorry, Lucia, you were saying?" Caroline looks at me, quirking an eyebrow.

I stare at them both. "If you tell a guy you really really like him and he answers back 'that's always lovely to hear'" should I feel bad about that?"

Ashley scoffed. "HAHAHA! What kind of answer is that? I'd say that's pretty weak XD"

Caroline hit Ash with her elbow and looked at me. "I'm taking that happened between you and Christian?"

"Yes, but... at least he didn't seem to be uncomfortable about me saying it? I really didn't want to say anything, but it kinda just slipped... the adrenaline of the moment and all."

Ash frowned. "You shouldn't be with a guy who can't even tell you if he likes you or not. It seems to me as though you're hanging on a thread and you don't know when you're going to fall."

"Shut up, Ash." Carol glared at her. "I definitely think that what you're doing is fine. Christian is just like that, I mean, he seems to be that way. As a lawyer, it is my duty to read people's personalities, and it seems to me that he likes you. If not why would he be with you? Look at Eric and Rory, they're 'soulmates', but they each love someone and even with the matchmaking stuff, they can't refrain from being with those they really like!"

"I wasn't going to think much about it... but I just wanted to consult it with... someone.... I mean, if Leonardo or Rink answered you like that what would you two do...?"

"I'd KILL him." Ash murmured.

"But you're not with either Leonardo or Rink." Carol placed a hand on my shoulder and smiled. "I think you handle things pretty well. Hang in there."

"Truth is...." Ashley looked at me. "If you think it's alright, if that's what you want, then you have nothing to fret about. Every person has a different reaction."

"So it's good that I don't worry?"

"It's good." Caroline smirked

"It's okay."Ash nodded.

Anxiety

2009-04-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

I spent the day with Christian today (or yesterday). We had a little picnic in Hyde Park with a variety of goodies, very nice. And then we saw two movies, played monopoly (which I had never played before), finalizing the evening with a two question length game of truth and dare and a make out session. I picked up the remnants of the day and carefully cleaned everything until it was spotless.

And then the anxiety began. Slowly, but certainly, it creeped into my skin. I shook my head and tried to shake it off, but as I lay in the solitude of my room it imploded and exploded in the blink of an eye. One minute I was fine, another minute I had sat up in my bed hyperventilating. My second chance at living did not come without its repercussions. Added to my fear of blood and disease, came along an overpowering fear of death itself. I don't want to die.

Just as soon as I thought the phrase, I was walking half way through the room, towards the bathroom, washing my face with water. I don't want to die, I don't want to die, but I will nonetheless die some day. I can't escape it, my life will end. I sat down again in the bed, trying to overcome the wave after wave of graphic images of death the crept through my mind. I felt sick. There was nothing I could do to change that fate. I wanted to cry. I started crying.

I called everyone. I mean it. EVERYONE. No one picked up. What now? What now? God, help me, I'm scared. Before I wasn't living and I yearned to die, but now I was living and with every step I took to discover more of what I wanted and who I wanted to be, the fears just kept growing.

Why doesn't anyone pick up the phone? The anxiety is killing me. I need to Breathe, breathe. Now what?

I'm not a coward. I won't keep worrying over that. But I will die and who I am will cease to exist, and I will be no more. I'm terrified. I want my mom and dad, but they can't be here. I'm a child again and I've been cornered...

... and just like that, I closed my eyes and prayed. Pray. Pray. I snuggled into my bed and turned on the TV to its loudest level.

And then came the insecurities along with the anxiety, until my eyes closed on their own and fear gave way to how tired I was.

This isn't normal. I need to just accept it and go on. Go on. Go on.

Round 2

2009-04-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

This time I'm not repeating my mistakes. Mistakes are good because you learn from them, aren't they? I've learned. Is that part of having grown up? Am I ready now? I want to be.

The words I told Nathan weeks ago come back to my mind: the things I desired, the things I could handle, what I wanted, what I wished to stay away from. They kept coming back to me.

I still like Christian. I really do. Even as I tried to convince myself that it had all been a foolish illusion in my head, my feelings were real. I know this, because I found myself last night, wanting to know him, wanting to be there for him. I realized in seconds just how childish I had been before. If you truly like someone you're supposed to compromise for that person. Then why didn't I see that before? Nathan was right, I was still confused and in a moment I wasn't ready, because I was still changing. Bad moment. But now, now that I feel much more defined and in balance with myself, I understood what it meant to like someone. Sure, it hurts, you're giving yourself, and you become vulnerable for that person, but it's worth it, when you see that person smile, or even so much as acknowledge you.

He's a person who likes to be in control. He's tight, and well, let's face it, square, but I find that all the more endearing now. I'm the complete opposite. I hold nothing back. Yesterday, I sat before him, and I wanted to learn from him. I desired to compromise, I was willing to step out of my own boundary of commodity to understand his reasoning and accept him as who he is. I was a coward before, mayhap I have more courage now.

Softly, slowly, I want to know him. I don't want to rush things, it's still so fragile. This feeling, I want to nurture it... I don't want the pressure or the fast pace of today's society. I definetely want to move steadily forward, making sure I enjoy whatever happens. Round 2? I seem to get plenty of second chances, and I thank God for that. Thoroughly.

He kissed me. Well, he asked if he could kiss me. Considering what happened previously, I don't blame him for asking. His kiss was devastating for me. For a person such as myself, with experience galore, the kiss meant a new beginning. It was unlike anything I had previously lived, as though, my emotions were on the verge of going array. I wanted him to taste me, but I also wanted to taste, I wanted him to touch me, and I wanted to respond in kind. I felt myself shy once more as what already stood so delicately in a plane above my control, swept me away. And I wanted it to last forever, I wanted to take my time, losing myself in the devastation of it all.

I'm surprised at my own reaction! I really do like this.... I really really like him.

Matchmaker

2009-04-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

-sniiiiiiiiiff-

Guess what? They played matchmaking today. And I was just like one of these kids back in elementary which don't get picked into any of the teams, and then like the team leaders are "aww, do we HAVE to take them?" And here I was thinking that I was at the top of my game. Worst part is that I ended back with Christian. Yep. **See the Stupid entry below.

Bloody Arrow. I thought my life was supposed to be balanced! And this just throws me right off! I mean, I know we were going to be friends and start from the beginning! But how is it that I ended right back with Christian! I called my sensei to rant about it! You know what he said! That maybe the target I think I want to focus on is not the target I'm destined to hit. I KNOW! That doesn't make sense at all!

Balance. Think Balance. I'm going to think positive. I'll handle this in a mature, womanly form. I'll be okay. This will be okay. Even though like I'm shaking with nerves, I'll be fine.

Right?

Within Me

2009-04-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

"The arrow is the soul, the bow is the body, and your target is your life's reason and purpose. You can only hit your target when both body and soul are in balance." That's what my kyudo teacher kept murmuring during the lessons.

Just two weeks ago I made up my mind of formally becoming part of a dojo and getting some lessons in yoga and kyudo. Caroline, who happens to be a black belt, knew some great dojos in Milan, which I promptly proceeded to visit. There was one in particular, which caught my attention, located in the outer perimeter of the city. It was quite peaceful, with a temple and everything. I was attracted instantly. I joined the very same day I visited. Consequently, I leave the store at four, just to make it to my five o'clock lessons. I end up spending two hours here and getting to my house at eight. I love it. It's the best decision I've ever made.

I think too much. That's what my Sensei says at least.

Seisha Hitchu = true shooting, certain hitting

The purpose of kyudo is to obtain true beauty through the shooting. Eventually, if your form (aka spirit and body are in order) you will achieve the 'true' shooting and you will certainly hit. The same policy should be applied to life. Kyudo, in its purest form, is after all, a philosophy; not only rudementary shooting.

The first few days Sensei scolded me, because though I hit the target, my form was short from beautiful. However, as the days pass by, he simply nods and repeats phrases that incite me to center myself. I guess that means I'm doing a better job at it.

The yoga classes, which I take after the kyudo, are also quite interesting and very refreshing.

When I tell some of my friends about the lessons, their reactions are very different:

Ash: What a load of crap... <-- and she puts this face of complete annoyance which is amusing.

Carol: Eh.... Whao. Interesting... <--- which she doesn't mean in the least

I still have to tell Veronique about all this. I'm sure she'd be slightly interested... or maybe not, but she likes all those superstitious things, which by the by, I bought her a yellow lucky cat! Ah! I'm sure Nathan and Rudyard would be interested!

I want tea. I think I'm really obsessed with it. Did I mention I have a tea room in my house? Agh! I have to FEED MY GOLDFISH!

Stupid

2009-03-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

I probably made more mistakes today than I ever thought I'd make in my entire life. Oh no. That's just how I work. Making mistakes every single moment and then ending up living with all those mistakes. Maybe it's implanted into my brain in some kind of way, that I have to fuck up continously to grow stronger. I had a friend who once told me she fucked up to have some stories to tell her grandchildren.

I don't know the reason I fuck up. I just do.

I got my heat broken today. Maybe it was my own choice, or maybe it was meant to happen, but I didn't help. Did I handle myself correctly? Should I have said this or done that?

I always thought that of all the capital sins, I'd be Lust, because I looked only for pleasure. But now I know I'd just be Envy. I wanted something other people had and ended up with nothing in my hand.
'
Right now, the store is closed, Samuel's with his lover at his home, and I'm all alone, with the goldfish. Bloody goldfish. By this point, I've spent the last twenty minutes laughing. Here you Gossip Guy and hooray for the Deltons, you bravely tried to conceal it, but what the hell. I tried to kill myself. Yes... I took a razor and cut myself. Of course, as things might be, we evil spirits don't go so easily, and let's face it, I could've cut myself vertically and ended it much sooner. Now, I did so horizontally, because I knew Eric had been calling and he would arrive any minute. And I left it to my supposed fate. If I died, then I didn't have anything else to do and I'd go to hell. If I lived, I'd get another chance to redeem myself. What? It's just like throwing a coin. It wasn't the big deal.

So. I didn't die, I mean, right now I'm willing to believe that you could shoot me in the head and the bullet would probably not do sufficient damage to fuck me up. Oh no. I'm special that way. Nathan wanted me substituted, I wanted myself dead, and a bunch of people just thing I'm useless, yet here I am. Still here. Hi! Okay. So, not only did I not die, but I prove just how big of a deal am I, I run to Italy, change my name and start a new life. And of course, I have talent, immediately I get clients. So, I'm here, and I'm here to stay. You can't kill me or, well, I'd like to see you try, if you're successful I'm sure I'll come back as some sort of evil spirit and have my way with all of you.

By this point, I know that anyone who's reading my blog is thinking: what is wrong with Lucia? Well, here's what's wrong. NO matter what I do, I can't seem to get things right. I can't even kill myself properly. But no, scratch that, I make some things right: I'm a great sex idol AND a great designer. There you go, I have a career and fucking skills. I AM a whore after all.

But then, I'm being harsh on myself. I'm not all that bad. I'm a kind person, and generous, and I try to make the best of my surroundings, and yet, I don't understand people. I don't. I don't understand how they work, how they should work. Oh, I know how to pleasure people, but not how to create a bond? What is this? What the hell is wrong?

I admit it. I ran for it. I ran because I wanted a new life, a second chance. Yet he appears again, and I'm still idiotly hopeful. And he says he likes me. My God. Am I dellusional? I'm having a break down and you tell me you like me now? But you've never showed me...! I mean... you don't desire me at all. You look at me, but you don't connect with me, you think you are, but you don't even try.

And I give up. This time I'm not cutting horizontally, but vertically and with a kitchen knife. I don't want this anymore at all. How long has it been? Enough! I give up. I'm sorry, I do. I don't have it in me, to take any more cruel remarks and misunderstandings. Don't you get it? I don't feel it. You're not trying. I genuinely detest what you've made me feel.

The rain is pouring outside and I've just finished doing 159 new designs, out of the blue, I just got home and started painting, dress after dress after dress, until I couldn't feel my hands, and let go of the pen. I feel like such a coward. I feel like such an idiot. I feel stupid.

Blame Disney and they're happily ever after. Blame the lovers who walk about the street holding hands and smiling. Blame the world because apparently, unrequited love is the only one that teaches us how to be stronger, until we might find something inside this whole chaos. Right now, I feel my heart beating, goose bumps in my skin and I wish, just wish, I could find the slipper that would lead me to the castle. I've thought about deleting these words a hundred times, but it wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair to the things I wanted to say.

It is all so very complicated. We love and we get hurt, we desire and forget, yet we still must make way through life. I wanted to be special to someone other than me. Desperate desire, desperate need for the other, being so close that we might break. Stop. Maybe I'm never moving forward as to not create a past. But I am moving forward, and I do want a past I can grow safely upon.

I begged God to make me stronger. Maybe he listened incorrectly and made me stupid instead. Here, amongst the darkness and the pouring rain, I found myself with just me, and my goldfish. There's no one to share with. This time, I'm not running, though. I'm becoming stronger. I'm doing something for myself, and if someone should chose me as they're special person, then let it be. I want to live, desperately, entirely, not missing one single moment... I want to fall in love, and God, make it so that I might receive what I give in return. But if it should not be so, then let him give me patience for the things I cannot change and the wisdom to change those that I can.

I'm going to walk about the streets of Italy now. Yes, sweet Milan, beautiful and quiet, listening to my pleas and dreams, but before I go, I leave with a poem, one of my favorites "Una Cancion Desesperada", by Pablo Neruda. No words could better define my actual state of mind.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada,y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos."
El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.
En las noches como esta la tuve entre mis brazos.La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.
Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Oir la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.
Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.La noche esta estrellada y ella no está conmigo.
Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.
La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.
Porque en noches como esta la tuve entre mis brazos,mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Aunque este sea el ultimo dolor que ella me causa,y estos sean los ultimos versos que yo le escribo.

Yin & Yang

2009-03-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

Women and Men are nothing alike, and this is obvious, and we all know this. It's 101. Sometimes, though, I wonder just how different we are or how similar we could be. We could detest someone with ever core of our being and not know why, or we could adore them blindly, willing to change just to reach towards that person. It's inside us. And sometimes I just wonder.

Things are going very well down at the good old shop. I had a dinner with Vincenzo, and had Giovanni Milazzo, his cousin, over at the store too.

Then I had a small talk with Nathaniel and Christian. They're very kind people. Not that I want to formulate any opinions, but I really think Nathan adores Veronique. I wonder why they fight so much, though. It's strange that people who love each other that much clash as often as they do.

Women and Men are nothing alike. But women and men were meant to love each other. We can't breathe without the other. And I'm not saying anything against men who love men either, oh no. What I mean is, that though men and women are different they sort of need each other in some way. Even, Julian who loves Rudyard, named Carol 'tweetie'. It's as it. As different as we are, we still make beautiful patterns together.

Because, if I see it as God's big design, men might be the coutoure, but women put the juicy into the equation. Or viceversa.

I know this is totally random.

My objective for today was: Making someone smile :)

- love, Lucia

Archer

2009-03-09T23:29:00.000-07:00

I love yoga. It is such a wonderful way of losing stress. One should feel totally in peace with nature. That's why I practice all those things: tai chi, yoga, pilates. It helps me relax and find inner balance.

Nonetheless... my favorite sport? I'd have to say archery. I'm very good at it. It is such an elegant and formidable skill. I always admired their form, their control, the concentration necessary to hit the target. I fell in love with it from a very small age. I basically begged to be taught and never regretted having learnt it. Still, I only practice it when I want silence. I am good at it; I'm precision.

I have a no-kill policy. I'm a protector of life, and pride myself in the notion.

But I don't practice archery all that often. Not unless I'm incredibly stressed; not unless I must let everything go along with my arrow.

That is why this morning I set out to hunt with the bow and arrow. It is merely an exercise. The arrows aren't harmful to the creatures, they just mark them with small dots of pain.

I shoot the targets set in the assigned path and then decided to walk a little far away from that path. I found a fox. Strecthing my bow I placed the arrow perpedicular to my shoulder and aimed towards it. I was all powerful in that moment. I would hit. I could severe him fatally, capture him, or simply let him be. If I wanted the fox, it was all about depriving him of his freedom. I lowered the arrow... if my having him meant forcing my will, I rather let him run free.

And that is true.

And that is why I decided to return to Italy. There are many things I need to do.

Be Brave.

2009-03-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

Honestly, and with no restraints, forgetting about the fashion, and the luxury, and the social agenda. Forgetting the wild fiestas, and the beautifully decorated halls of a fashion show. Stripped of anything else, what do I get?

I'm not arrogant and a total wild force of nature like Ashley. I certainly don't have Carol's ambition and machiavellic scheming. I'm not a winter beauty, a porcelain doll, like Vero. I definitely lack Caterina's honesty, determination and naturally fun approach. I don't have Katzereine's exotic beauty and incredible maturity either. I can't bake the sweetest cupcakes and be as cute and passionate as Marie.

But I WILL TELL YOU What I AM! THIS IS MY STATEMENT!

I'm compassionate and caring! I genuinely love the people around me, because I believe in them. I believe in people. I disagree with Nietzsche; man cannot be solely evil. There must be more to him. I believe that there are those who care, and those who make a difference, and I value human life beyond anything else. And if someone has a problem with me believing in those things, then I can take them on. I'm not afraid! I don't fear my future, or death, or change, what I fear is not being able to protect those that I love. I cannot bear the pain of seeing them suffer.

And I'm talented. Beyond anything you could imagine. Not only can I design clothing and give people something they can feel comfortable in, but I also happen to design the most intricate of softwares. I'm a member of MENSA for crying out loud. If its a computer, I can break it down or create it once more. I'm a data engineer, having been trained soley for that purpose, to excel in a world were technology would prime.

And I'm sexy too! Ah, but I talked about that in my last post.

And why oh why am I saying this to you? Because maybe I feel so much smaller than these women who accompany me. Maybe just maybe, I'm not half as special yet I want to be. They're all so admirable in their very own way. They can make it. Surely, they've withstood so much, and have prepared themselves so little sometimes for the things they face so bravely. How can I not feel but paling before them? And yes, I'm me, and I'm not afraid to be, but sometimes I fear that alone might not be enough.

And I tell myself, Lucille be brave and continue fighting. If you look at them, you might be able to learn a bit from each one, and I hope to do. I hope I can befriend them and just pull a bit from each, the best, and adopt it to my own little self. Be brave, because you also have much to give. Be brave because there is much to do, and only you can do it. I have no doubt.

And how do they see me? Would they believe I'm making an effort? Would they believe I'm trying hard to create some footsteps of my own that can follow theirs? Would they judge me if I want to walk by their side and give them my genuine best? Would they be bothered that I just want to be there for them, even if they all stand proudly on their own? Sometimes I ask myself these questions and I can't help wonder.

Day after day I repeat that I'll grow stronger. My strength comes from wanting to be there, from having people who want me near. I need to be needed. Maybe I was born to give hope. I'd like to believe that. Hope is such a beautiful feeling. And Love. Love is the greatest feeling of them all. I'm ever the romantic, ever the optimist, ever the fool who loves life, and in return expects to be accepted.

And at the same time, the hidden me. The one who lurks inside, my insecurities, my deepest fears; the darkest secrets that can be shared with no one. What should I do about them? Opposing the romantic is the skeptic. Meeting up against the love for humanity is the inevitable battle against the hate for how frail life is. Against the innocence lies the perturbing notion of inconceivable wisdom. And I let them stay there. Buried and controlled. My only exit is the wonder of pleasure. The darkness and the lust play along, until I can find some release from the fear of turning into a bad person. And I will not be consumed. I refuse. My truth, my belief, my love, my hope will make me that much stronger. That is what I like most about ME. I will never allow myself to be overcome... even if I should be threatened to give in, I will persist, until I am no more, if that is necessary.

When I was in the Institute in Italy, there was only a boy accompanying me. He had been sold to the Institute because his family had needed the money and the boy was a prodigy. He was my opposite; my parents were paying the institute to keep me away, even though I was as special as the other boy. And I was amazed at how different our views about life were. He hated everything and everyone, hating the institute the most. I lived every day, believing things would change and that it was a challenge. I thought about my brother and how lively he always was, and even the darkest of moments seemed to brighten. I learned then, that love, any expression of it, would always serve as a more powerful weapon than hate. And that boy became twisted, believing that transhumanism was necessary. I, on the other hand, promised to protect what I thought was most important: our humanity. Two opposing forces, and yet, so easily broken into each other.

Be brave, Lucy, be brave. I always whisper those words, as I wake and face the world, always with the intention of becoming that much stronger and dependable. I care about people, I want to protect people, and if I have the power to do so, I will any way I can. This person, this me, can do it. Anyone can, and certainly I will too. I am not afraid. If I have to give my life for others, if I have to fight a storm or battle my very own demons, I will cherish life. Even if I'm the only left that is naive enough to trust. Even if my kindness is taken for granted, I will be happy giving. My will, will prevail, even if i'm the only one left that believes. Even if I point my arrow at nothingness, I'll be the only one. I'll give hope. I'll keep moving forward, until hopefully that light spreads and more can join me. One can make a difference. I can make a difference too.

And this is me. Little me, who believes the world can be changed for better. This is me, who loves life and enjoys every minute and does not regret even the worst of moments. This is me, the one trying to be brave, to have others admire her, the one trying to share her passion for life. This is who I am. And yes I am special, and yes I'm not like the rest, and yes i'm an idealist. But I am also an optimist. If I cry, I'll cry at night were no one can see me, unless my tears are shared alongside with a friend. I will laugh out loud and not at someone's else misery. I will dwelve into the most exotic of fantasies, just to say I've done it, I've been there, I have no fears.

This is me. And what keeps me going are feelings such as love, hope, desire, passion, truth, persistance..... oh! And two words: "Be Brave"

Mission Accomplished?

2009-03-07T21:17:00.000-08:00

So. I told him I liked him. There. Splurted it out. I felt much better after it. I know he doesn't feel the same way about me, but it is a very nice feeling JUST being able to say it. Simply... shouting it to the world. Ah. It's so pretty.

And then, and then, you know what I did? Because I like him so much I sent him homemade cookies every day (of the sugar coated ones because he loves them). Yes. I did that. I'm so proud! I learned how to cook while in Italy, but I made an extra effort in molding these cookies into pretty different kind of flowers and sending them to him. I learned something just for him. Will you look at that? I had NEVER done that before. NEVER. No man had been worth my effort. Generally I enjoy men kneeling before me and kissing my feet, while I sit above them. Not in this case, though. This is different. I'm looking at him as a human, not as a slave (and I'm not being offending to the past ex-servants (they enjoyed being what they are, truthfully).

And I should explain this, because it sounds SO weird. Oh, and I'm soooo happy. I like someone! *yayz*

Okay. The thing is. I've had a LOT of relationships. I'm like Lucille Delton, *THE* sex goddess? Aja. Yeah, that's me. I love men. They have this scent, this masculinity, this utter ferocious and rather primal nature to them. Men are valuable. And a man's body? Delicious! My first encounter with the marvelous world of sex was when I was 15. My instructor had planned to seduced me, but I ended up seducing him, not to mention I needed to tie him up, him being stronger than me and all, and I wanted to take my time to savor, to discover, to know. Yep. It was like playing life... ay! You spin the little roulette and you don't know where you might slide your ride to! Oh me! Naughty!

I loved it. It came naturally to me. Someone once told me my body was created to give pleasure and I believed it so. A model. Slim legs, hips, breasts, tall, soft skin, sensual lips, teasing eyes... I knew how to use my cards. And my cards I did use! I hit the casino many a time too. I turned it all into a game board where I was the master, throwing the dice to decide just how much the players should move. I was a master AT it. Seduction, Enthralling, Dazzling, making them fall and rise into a swirming ocean of ecstacy. Every gesture in my being reminded men of the most natural of needs. They all wanted me. Of course, I only loved those who could give much in return. Love? It was never an option for me. Not at first. I wanted pleasure and fun, games of lust and underworld practices. I was needed, I was asked for, Lucille Delton was the ultimate mistress....

.... and... is that the new prada shoes they're selling on fashion.net?

I beg your pardon. Where was I?

Ah yes. But I didn't always sleep with them. I worked my magic, pulled them into my web, and once inside, they wouldn't go out. They wouldn't want to either. Better than a man in bed, is a man wanting to desperately get into one. I played everything nicely.

Ironically. I haven't slept with that many men. People have guessed hundreds... but truthfully the list barely reaches 13. The minimum standards they must comply with has produced such a limited number. Until now, I only wanted those who were not looking for a relationship. I slept only with those who impressed or amused me enough. Finally, class, baby. It's all about class.

The techniques, the control, the playfulness, the kink, the mink, the love, the poetry... I know the tricks. I've been there, done that. I can do anything I desire...

And yet another irony... I haven't had sex in a few weeks. Which is strange. I haven't had the dire need for it, but it's more like I'm looking for a relationship now. Someone that likes me, right? That appreciates me and hugs me when I'm blue. That kind of thing. And it's not like when I took the vote of celibacy... now I don't have the vote, I simply am quite balanced. If I want to, I'll do it. If I don't want to, I'll bake cookies, see? Purrrfect! :)

Yay!

Oh. And... I've never really had a boyfriend, since I had problems committing. I've heard it's quite satisfying. Wonder if that's true.

Feedback?

There's gotta be somebody for me out there...

2009-02-25T20:34:00.000-08:00

Hello fellow vixens!

I *HIGHLY* reccommend the new Nickelback song "Gotta be Somebody" (you know, the lead singer, Chad Kroeger sang "Hero", that famous song for the fans of Mr.Spidey! hehe! and like he's Canadian, thank you very much). Definitely = A+

As to where I've been? Well, we had some wild days after Oscar night! So many post-oscar parties, including one featuring a karaoke night! (I love Karaoke) There have also been invitations for a number of parties OUTSIDE the city. For those who have been left behind on the SOCIAL CALENDAR: Monday @ 12:00 was 'Night4show'; Tuesday there was THE social gathering at the main building of the country house (so much pretty people, AND they were giving champagne). Today was tranquility night, and yours truly went out with the delicious Percy twins (aka Nathan and Christian). We went to a place called 'Ligero' (Light for those who don't have a Spanish tongue [or haven't known one ;)]). The food was deli-! I DO suggest the pita chips and the wraps there is are simply grand. Oh. B-T-W...

I've decided on my lent promise! I won't be having any type of sauce, like for 40 days. This of course, means, I will only eat my food with: spices, vinegar, olive oil and salt. I needed to de-tox anyways. I hope God sends me something grand in return for depriving myself of those mouth watering carbonara, puttanesca etc.

Aw... I don't have much else to talk about, plus I'm very tired. I've had QUITE the week (sans sex). Ah... Celibacy is MUCH tougher than what I thought. Buuu-hu!

As for the latest news on the surroundings: Eric is ever getting more attention, eventually his ego will send him far far away. Girlas, if you want a tip with my brother... in these days that he can't eat meat, offer him a nice massage in the shoulders, HE L-O-V-E-S. (you'll get extra points for that). Ashley was sick at the beginning of the week. I notice she doesn't eat much, but I took her some chicken soup and some apple juice (an apple a day...? Keeps the doctor away! Unless the doctor is hot, you don't want him away) I left HER in the arms of her lovey dovey Andre. (who I dated, isn't that strange?). She turned into pulp or pup in his arms. Don't worry Ash: no es un delito, es un deleite. Veronique Reinard (as always love her taste in fashion, VERY proper), still she might want to get off the diet a little! Some meat in those bones wouldn't hurt (and I heard there's a pup who's killing for some fresh meat). Caterina? I haven't talked with her at all... Hmm... I wonder if I could give her a makeover too! Nathan is a buddhist now. And Christian? I think I pissed him off slightly. Oops! I'll give him something homemade and get him to forgive me, right right?

I'm going to bed now. Luv!

Oscar WILD!

2009-02-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

And of course, we watched the Oscars @ the G Bar with a great variety of pretty people.

Let's face it! Hugh Jackman: we love you, we want to have your babies (and might they sing and dance like you do, sugar!). Fantastic work, though you could work a bit on the pronounciation, honey (but worry not, with that smiling face we could forgive you just about anything). Let's face it, he made the Oscars entertaining. Simply Fascinating! We hope our Aussie gets invited again! We'd love to see him dance about once more.

Now, to the truly interesting part of the review: FASHION "yes" and "nos". (This review is purely based on my opinions)

Let's start with the purr-fect couple now, shall we? Angelina and Brad were totally astounding. Never have Brangelina delighted as much as when they both appeared together, elegantly dressed in black. What a sexious couple right there! And did you see how he held her? Mm-Mm! Never let go, Brad! You've just about discovered the right ingredient in your ensalada.

Marisa Tomei in white: breathtaking!

Kate Winslet: daring and dazzling!

OMG! Does anyone else think that Anne Hathaway was positively ravishing! Loved the dress; top of the notch! She was glowing (and you were!) Let's hand her another invitation next year too (you pretty up the carpet).

Amy Adams: dress was fresh, gorgeous color, made her look mature and daring. Next year, though, you could do without the frisbee- I mean, necklace.

Penelope Cruz: Loved the Española. Kudos for pulling it out of an eight year old waiting period (though next time, you might want to freshen it up). Nonetheless, loved the hair, loved the makeup, loved the necklace, and loved the attitude. Well done. Next year make yourself something new though, but keep up the good work!

Meryl Streep: You could've done better... or didn't they pay you that well in Mamma Mia and Doubt? Next time I'll get you my goldfish to make you something better, okay? Ahem, something that doesn't look liked it was the underdress of the dress. Savie?

Mickey Rourke: no offense, you weren't walking into Woodstock, no... that was in 1969, you were walking into the Oscars. Oh, just thought someone should tell you. And NO, that's NOT a tuxedo. See Brad Pitt for some reference on what you SHOULD have worn.

Sean Penn: Adorable. What a delicious man. Wouldn't mind some of his mi--- Oh sorry, vote of celibacy, no naughty thoughts. Bad Lucy!

Robert Downey Jr.: You look great! A bit scared, but great! See? World IS better without drugs.

Phillip Seymour: I get it you want to proove something to the world, but wearing a hat is not it. You might want to wear a golden bow next time, really make a statement.

Beyonce: I'd seen that dress before--- oH Wait, those were the curtains I disposed of last season. Nice, curvy, body though, those curvacious hips served their purpose when it was musical time. A little bit full-er, but that's fine, just lay low on the sweets, we don't want you rolling down the stairs next time.

Sarah Jessica Parker: She wanted to pull a Carrie, pulled a SCA-RY, instead.

Natalie Portman: BEAUTIFUL in Pink, loved it.

Daniel Craig: Can you say, Bond, James Bond? I'd die submerged in those eyes any day.

Jessica Biel: THIEEEEEEEEEF! GIVE ME BACK MY BATHROOM CURTAINSSS!!

Vanessa Hudgens: I'm glad she's really into Disney, that dress was Little Mermaid (bottom), meets Snow Wait... yeah you know, those little white butterflies were... Oh... it wasn't meant to represent Disney? Oops.

Miley Cyrus: That was too much of a dress for her to handle. Beautiful dress, but she didn't quite know how to carry it out.

Evan Rachel Wood: Loved the dress, loved the attitude, HATED the hair.

Marion Cotillard: eh.... pAS NON. I KNOW you wanted to go Disney too and imitate the duster from Beauty and the Beast, but, NO.

Amanda Seyfried: I didn't know you were a present, and if I wrapped something up, believe me, I'd make sure the bow was not two times your head.

Zac Efron and Robert Pattison? Talking about fresh meat, I needed to go to the market! Hurray for the upcoming generation! Delicious! Dominique Cooper? Shave. I like you better when you play nice.

Oh, and by the way? The musical Oscar themes? Loved it. Should've kept Hugh more on-screen time! Can I hire him for MY events?

Thank you for tuning. I'm off to the Oscar POST-PARTY. Oh wait, it's 12:08 and they're STILL not over? They should divide these ceremonies into two days: we'd designers be happy, at least! Anyone agree?

Oak for Protection

2009-02-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

Some people have asked me before: "what are you wearing around your neck?"

I smile at them. First and foremost, people aren't suppose to see the hidden pendant. Turns out, I carry an oak wood pendant (yes, a fashionable person like me). Once, I wore it sans anything on top of it (on display), and next day most of the girls at my school had one. Well, this pendant has very special meaning to me. I don't wear it because it's a fashion statement (perhaps the only thing which doesn't scream 'a la ultra mode').

Here it is:
And why, do you ask, does Lucille Delton wear such a thing? Well, it turns out that my parents died in a fire accident @ our cabin house three years ago (infra nota, last post). Anyways, there was this oak, that you could say... saved us (me and my brother)? At the end, of the investigation, my family had sold the land and they were going to tear down the tree (it was pretty old too). I decided to safekeep a part of it (I get the feeling it wanted that), and I kept this pendant as a memoir. I consider it my lucky charm.

BTW: Christian is like suuuuuuch a mean teacher. He gives us POP quizzes every now and then. I like want to KILL myself, because I'm SO not good in science. I try to study hard, but when I see these tests I'm like 'Nooooo!'. OMG. I wish I could have Eric's natural smarts. He never studies and aces the subjects, JUST because such good memory. Don't get me started with Ash! That BI-ATCH, gets likes GREAT grades and she seldom goes to class. Meanwhile, I'm working my valentino-dressed tushie to get As in that subject, and I'm like nowhere there! Oh the STRESS.

PS. Benjamin Rockefeller is so C-U-T-E. We <3 your new Ralph Lauren shirt, looks ZO sexy. Veronique's Reinard new bow= A+ deli! I heard Marcus' was seen going out of *H* hotel, naughty youuuu! The *IT* people are going to Elton John's Oscar party tonight. There's a -guaranteed to blow your mind- pre party at Anne Wellington's.

Gotta go! Remember to hold on to your Oscar's popcorn for tonight!

In Fraganti

2009-02-22T08:14:00.000-08:00

So! Last night I was supposed to go out with Christian to experience what a 'real' date was like, but he COM-PLETE-LY disappeared. And after I'd dressed up too! I was wearing my beautiful Spring 2009 exclusive black Chanel dress, and my lovely black bow with golden accesories, that looked just to DIE for. And I was stood up! He said he'd be right back and I guess he got busy? I decided that it was NEVER a good thing to waste a good dress (take notes girls), so I called all my amigas feminas (aka girlas <3)>

http://www.petrossian.com/Caviar-1.html (highly recommend it)

We had the usual chit chat; had some fun, as usual. Everyone was staring at us. I think the soon to be Duke of Norfolk was there as well (we were having a Britain Regalia apparently) and he was eyeing me quite suspiciously (like the kind of suspicious that make a playmate blush), but I was quite indifferent to his attentions. It was delightful and at the same time positively alarming! I've taken a vote of celibacy until I find true (or a semblant of true) love. It has been quite a task, because men are quite like bubblegum, if you step on them, they seem to grow more and more attached to you (and believe me, you don't want gum on your brand new stilettos). Men seem to grow an appetite towards that which they can't have (like taking candy from a child), and they just want it more. I've always loved the attention of men (especially those who have experience with couture). Now, however, I haven't had sex for a week (that is a lot for me), and even a mere touch sents me into a jolt.

Solution? Working on Pilates! It helps the muscles and de-stresses the mind. I keep myself in shape and let go of all those extra hormones dragging about my body. Ah! Relaxing! Not to say positively astounding for the skin.

As to men, a plunge on ice water should be the cure (as I read in a VH novel).

This morning, I went to have some early breakfast (as tradition demands) with my twin brother, Eric Delton. We've shared this tete a tete since our parents died three years ago. It is completely revitalizing because we have no one drawing us apart any longer (twins have a special bond after all). He's very much like me, and people often accuse us of having the same 'wolfish' grin. I beg your pardon, but it's 'foxy' grin in MY case. He's a wolf, I'm a fox! That's how it usually is with the both of us. And we adore each other. I've never seen a man interested in so much of my crap before!! Ah! Brotherly love! Kudos for the puppy! <3>

I also attempted to talk with Ashley Vasser this morning (who should definitely have a manicure any moment now). She's my 'trainer' (not like Enrique with his excellent Pilates class, highly recommended to). Ashley handles more delicate things. This morning, I genuinely tried keeping a conversation. She said my aura was 'hideous'. What is that supposed to mean? My aura is a bright golden color (Madame Sheila told me herself!) I tried telling her that Madame Sheila had a 99.99% accuracy rate, but it seemed to annoy her further. And I'm really making an effort here. I want to truly become a better person for the mission. Finally, I told her that I'd like to become her friend, genuinely and directly. She blinked. For the first time I noticed the slight flush cover her cheeks and how she turned around embarrassed, but hid it away almost instantly in a 'whatever' murmur. Something in me tells me she's very lonely. It makes me want to share more and more with her (and change her wardrobe! I've only seen her wearing blue like twice!) I gave her some italian chocolates by the end of my lesson and I think I found a way to eventually start something off. That makes me incredibly happy.

Is she lonely? I can understand that. Being alone. I have a lot of people who I love, but sometimes it's just one sided. Could that be the real meaning of loneliness? To be surrounded but have no one truly want to reach out for you? And when do you realize that they are reaching and that you should reach back? I'm not an expert on people's feelings, and I'm usually blind to those strange to my own, but I want to become someone dependable. If I can become just one person's true ray of sunshine; make that person smile, make that person want to see me every day, then life will be worth it. I think I understand you now, Nathan. Falling in love, though painful, is necessary. It's the kind of bittersweet pleasure that breaks you and reconstructs you into a better version of yourself. As long as you're loved, what is truly needed in return.

I guess you've caught me in fraganti. I do believe in love after all. <3

Foxy Lady <3

2009-02-21T18:19:00.000-08:00

Well, everybody has a blogspot! It was about time I had one too!

My name is Lucille, but you can call me: Lucy, Luce, Lucky Lucy (thnx Nathan), Foxy etc. I'm quite fond of nicknames, though I also love my name (Lucille Marie). Yes. Yes. Now, before we start, things you should know about me:

I want to be a world famous designer.
I'm incredibly popular
I have red hair and intense blue clear eyes
I L-O-V-E shopping (aka I love clothing)
I own a studio
My favorite fragances are floral scents: Paris by Yves Saint Laurent, Eternity Rose Blush by Calvin Klein, So Pretty by Cartier
I'm a devout fan of continental plates: like Cordon Bleu.
I love tea! (like I have a whole collection of delicious tea bags!)
My favorite color is Rouge (though pink is good too)
I make ANYTHING look good. (give me an Oscar de la Renta and I make it glow)
I take Aerobics classes (and love Pilates too)
I can be a klutz (like a big one)
I have absolutely ZERO interest in video games
I love parties (especially when I host them)
I own over 200 pairs of shoes (oh me!)
I'm a die hard fan of Andy Warhol
When I was little I wanted to be a nun (became a fox instead :P)
My favorite movie is "When Harry Met Sally"
I have a fan club!
Some people say I suffer from ADD. (maybe? Perhaps?)
I like pretty things!

I own a pet goldfish (who I keep in my studio <3)

Your Outfit Says You're Extroverted

You are a bit of a wild child, and you don't hide it.
You have an outgoing, in your face personality.
You are funny and even a bit outrageous. You love to make people laugh.
You are a fascinating person. You definitely have some interesting stories to tell.
Your high end fashion designer match: Diane von Furstenberg
Your must have accessory: Chic sunglasses

Your Fashion Style is Trendy

You love fashion and live to shop
And keeping up with the latest trends is what you love best
You know what's in, out, about to be in, and about to be out
You love to dress your friends and would make a killer celebrity stylist

You Are a Thong

You are daring and outrageous.
You love attention in almost any form, and you'll do a lot to get noticed.
You are proud of your body. You work hard to look good.
Swimsuit season is your favorite time of the year. It gives you a chance to show off your assets!

And this is just a little preview. I should get to my duties.... do I have any right now? :P