Admitting Defeat...?

I'm at work. I'm tired and I've had nothing to eat in the whole day. I want to scream. In fact, for the first time in my life, I don't really care about the lives I'm saving or the people I'm helping with my actions. Does that make me a bad person? When I took this job, I knew it was a one way road. You live to serve. Even though you don't get the thanks you deserve, you have to do your best. Once in a while they'll give you a badge and they'll promote you.

And what's the point of getting promoted if it just means more work? What's the point of even being ambitious if at the end of the day your efforts are being recognized with more work? What's the point of it all!?

And my grandmother's words came back to me "All that genius being wasted..."

I wonder... what if?

I mean, what the hell is wrong with all of you!? Bloody Poodles and Bloody Chihuahuas, it's like we were in kindgarten; get over yourselves. Perfect or Imperfect, what the hell do you care if you're a freakin' masturbator? Ugh. Not freakin', FUCKING. What the hell am I to you all? The nice sister, the doubtful girl. PRETTY. I'm fucking pretty. I'm a doll... IF I HEAR that one more time I'm going to retch. That's great, I'm beautiful. But my personality is fucking good as well. I'm never being heard, I'm always being ignored, I'm supposed to be something because that's what's expected of me. Here comes the fashion artiste, here comes the police girl. I'm always shouting out to the world and it's never listening to me. Never. I'm alone. And the others might not mind, but I do. I'm tired of saving everyone when no one's saving me. I'm tired of fighting for peace, when everyone is always looking for war. I'm sick of being treated like I'm stupid for what I'm standing for.

I've been humiliated, ignored, embarrassed for long enough. I've cared about others expecting something in return. I was so wrong. In the end, we all fend for ourselves. A smile is not returned with a smile in this world. I don't want the riches or the ambitions, but I want the freedom and the recognition.

So let's stop kidding ourselves, right? In the end, if you're good they'll just screw you over. In the end, trying to seek friendship and hoping for the best, gets you down. In the end, when you hope for something it all falls down and breaks. So why hope at all? Why even expect something from people when all they do is disappoint you. I'm sorry, my expectations were to high. No. Wrong. I shouldn't have expected anything from anyone in the first place.

Am I admitting defeat? Yes, I fucking am admitting defeat. I've lost my faith on people. Officially. Humankind is destined to rot and swell up and die. Humankind is evil to its kin. No one will cut you a break if you give them the benefit of the doubt. No one will give you a second chance. So I'm young and I'm pissed, and I don't care anymore.

I don't care about designing anymore; I don't want to dress up people. Screw fashion, unless I wear it. Interpol? I already filed in my resignation. Whatever. They can't stop me. What I'm going to do? Who the hell cares? Maybe I'll take over Eric's little throne. Maybe I WILL be the first female to lead the Deltons. Why not? Maybe I'll go to Japan and visit Tokyo Tower. Why not? Whatever I want. Whatever I feel like doing. Whatever makes me feel like the damn great fucking woman that I am.

That's what I'm doing, and if you have a problem. He. For the first time...

... I don't give a damn.

Gone Bad?

"I don't get it... with your genius you could have everything you want."

I stared at my grandmother. I was the only one who visited her nowadays. Eric had made sure she remained locked away in a glamourous institution, but institution no less. There she was, confined in her own expensive villa with all her servants and her nasty smirk, but still confined. Eric, as a special payback for her years of bringing misery upon others, had managed to closet her in, basically sealing her from the world. She was given permission to go out solely for her many galas, so as to pretend that she still had the freedom she once possessed. The other members of the Delton family were to scared to visit her even then. Even Eric, with all his charm and being the head, did not dare come to her face to face after her official "lock down".

And grandmother always possessed a unique self-esteem: brilliant, deadly, elegant, and with a sense of properness no one could compete. In more ways than one, I found her admirable, because she could take on business titans and not blink. She always kept her position, and even though many called her "pure evil", I always considered she did things to purposely seal herself from others. My grandfather adored her; surely there was something she must've done well.

"I already have everything I need." I answered softly. She was also the one person I trusted would never use my secrets against me. After all, I could use all of hers against her. Ironically, she seemed to only person I could truly talk with. No one would be more blatantly honest than she was. "Saying everything I 'want' is somewhat greedy."

"Please, greed has nothing to do with this. If you had even the slightest bit of greed you wouldn't be playing robbers and policemen. You'd be hunting bigger fish." she twisted her fingers in the air.

"You mean, like you hunted grandpa? Is that it?" I quirked an eyebrow.

"Why is it that you must always be like that? As though your life were a giant guilt trip. Please, Lucille Marie. If you die at 48, you will already have wasted half your life."

I blinked at her. "Whoever said I would die at 48!?"

"I'm giving you the big picture sweetheart, setting some parameters." She smiled at me, and I knew that sparkle in her eye all too well. "Lucille... do you want to know what I see when I look at you?"

"I get the feeling you would answer even if I said 'no'."

"I see a scared little girl. Your mother is dead, Lucille. No one will hug you at night if you feel like you're going to cry every other day." She rested her head upon her hand. "I see a girl who thinks her life is all about 'karma'. Oh please, you're not that important that God would pay that much attention. You've done many things in the past... honestly, If I hadn't seen your true potential that one time, I'd think you're as useless as your other female cousins."

"Just because I'm trying to see the positive things in life..."

"Oh no, my dear grandchild, you are not seeing the positive aspects in life. You are trying to hide your pain and anger behind a facade. Your friends might be deceived, but you certainly don't trick me. I doubt even your brother knows just how much of an angry person you can be."

"Anger... Pain... those are nothing more than negative feelings. You don't get anything out of them. Rather than have the power which I know you speak of, I'd rather live a happy life, like I'm living. I'm doing what I like! I love designing and I love computers.... and..." I stared at her. "What?"

"Aren't you tired of following the things that already have been written?" she asked one of her butlers for a cosmopolitan. "Nothing is preordained, my dearest. What you were is already in the past. Is this what you truly want? You are still young, you can still change everything. No one can judge you for doing so. Tell me right now that you don't want to do it." she laughed "Pretending you committed suicide to start anew. That was brilliant if you hadn't been as pathetic as to do the exact same thing you were doing before. How do you end up in the same circle?"

I crossed my arms. It felt chilly. "I don't know what you're trying to imply."

"Lucille... you like risk. You cannot deal with a routine and you know it. This is your chance to thrive, this is your opportunity to throw it all away. If it should become a big mistake, then you will have years to remedy that. But... unless you do fall once or twice, you will never learn."

"...I can't.... I.... don't want to."

"You're too comfortable? Lucille..." She stood up before I could see her standing. For an old lady, she was quick. "YOU could be the next Delton leader. You could change this 'male' order. You would be a great challenge to your brother."

I pushed her slightly away. "But that's something I wouldn't do because I love Eric." I stared at her rather nonchalantly.

"Yes... those eyes show me what you would truly be capable of doing."

"Grandmother." I was angry now, and truth be told I was calmer than ever. "Do not use me. Do not think that I will get Eric to withdraw his little 'lock down' game. I rather enjoy visiting you here."

I walked towards the door. "My anger, my fear, my hate... will get me nowhere. It is a path I rather never take. If one day I should go for it, God save my soul, because the first people I will hunt will be the Deltons for bloody giving me such a hard time." I slammed the door behind her, and heard her chuckle.

Bitch.

Updates- Romana Weekend.

Hey everybody!! It's been long!

Well, starting Monday (yesterday) Nathan was supposed to move in, but he got really sick and hasn't been able to do the actual moving. I was pretty sad about it, but I offered to take really good care of him. It's great, you know? When you get sick, there's no better feeling in the world than having someone take good care of you. However, he said he would just sleep for now and I volunteered to visit him tomorrow. My poor friend needs it.

As Gossip comes and goes, I am now an "official" member of "The Poodles". Once again, I am hanging among the elite of the elite. To be completely honest, I just want all of us to be friends, but their are highly venemous vibes traveling from "the Poodles" to "the Chihuahuas". I find it particularly worrisome, because they are all such good people.

Plenty happened. Caroline, Marie and Me are in a contest to become Julian's Tweetie (in other words, the first woman he's going to have sex with). Carol was supposed to be his tweetie already, but she misbehaved and lost the title. She's doing everything in her power to become the tweetie once more, and believe me, she is not a force to be reckoned with (she's highly competitive). But Marie doesn't stay far behind!

Marie and Elena competed so as to determine who was the "sexiest". In a surprising turn of events, Marie won! She won a Palmilla trip in the Delton yacht along with the male partner of her choosing. In the end, she chose the yummy Vincenzo for the task! Elena has still not gotten over the 29 grade she obtained thanks to my stupid dork brother. He has always considered her a goddess, but having received an 8.0 as score for his kissing, he would've never deigned to give her the 10 she positively deserved! You're no 29, Elena! You're our favorite 100!

Men. They never know what they have at hand. I wish sometimes we reproduced asexually. If they didn't give as much pleasure as they do, they'd be downright worthless! (Venting moment over)

Kyle was there along with Veronique (Poodle), who as always has *THE* best fashion taste ever. I adore her, and she is sooooo nice. Vis a Vis, Marie hates her living guts because Veronique is Kyle's girlfriend and he's not willing to let her go, not even if Marie asks him too. I love Marie, but Veronique is a jewel too. Kyle had a tough decision. It's not for me to say if he chose correctly or not.

Giovanni, as always, giving Elena (Poodle) a lot of love. I love their relationship. He adores that woman with all of his core. That's a real man. Of course, he lusts after his cousin Vincenzo and over Julian (though who wouldn't in either case), but at the end of the day, he always comes back home to her. ~sigh~ Love like that is rather unique. They might fight, and she might be a little rough, but in the end, they are perfect for one and the other.

Talking about love, there was much love to give in Ashley's and Rink's department. Ironically, the most stable of all couples, they stare at each other with so much love that I don't think they'll ever be okay without the other. They need each other, breathe each other, and they have such good chemistry! Kudos for them! <3 Love, love, love, just like the Beatles in their ever lasting glorious song yell to us all.

Leo, my cousin, was gorgeous as ever, and he apparently beat Eric as best kisser. They fight like an epic battle among foes, but at the end of the day they will shield each other as family usually does. Leo is Carol's fiancee, but they are now in an Open Relationship kind of era, where they are allowing each other to roam free before they tie the knot (again). They got their first marriage annulled, but they can't really live without the other, so they've reached certain terms before they take the real big step, this time for REAL real.

Caterina and Eric are as crazy as ever (crazy for each other and crazy before the world), but in their way, they make quite a good couple. I really love my sis-in-law, as I call her these days, although if I could I would really give those nails a makeover! But nonetheless, she's like family to me and as I've said in the previous paragraph, family stands together.

Weekend HIGHLIGHTS:

1. Newly constituted Poodles: Caroline, Veronique, Elena, and myself
2. Chihuahuas: Ashley, Caterina, and Marie

*The Special Plates*
Judges: Vincenzo, Eric, and Christian

GIRLAS:

1. Ashley
A. Caterina (7)
E. Lucille (3)
D. Marie (6)
Total: 16

2.Lucille
A. Veronique (6)
E. Elena (8)
D. Caroline (6)
Total: 20

3. Veronique
A. Caterina (8)
E. Lucille (7)
D. Elena (10)
Total 25

4. Elena
A. Caroline (10)
E. Rory (10)
D. Ashley (10)
Total 30

5. Marie
A. Caterina and Ashley (10)
E. Sofia (10)
D. Rory (10)
Total 30

Winners: Elena and Marie

Ultimate Showdown:
a) Chocolate Wrestle Match
b) Jello and Cool Whip Match
c) Kiss the Judges- better Kisser challenge
i. Elena: 29
ii. Marie: 30 (WINNER)

BOYLOS:

Judges: Ashley, Elena, and Veronique

1. Eric
A. Kyle (10)
E. Julian (10)
D. Vincenzo (10)
Total 30

2.Rink
A. Nathaniel (10)
E. Eric (10)
D. Christian (6)
Total 26

3. Christian
A. Giovanni (9)
E. Julian (10)
D. Nathaniel (10)
Total 29

4. Leonardo
A. Rudyard (10)
E. Rink (10)
D. Julian (10)
Total 30

5. Kyle
A. Eric (10)
E. Vincenzo (10)
D. Julian (10)
Total 30

Winners: Eric, Leo, and Kyle

Ultimate Challenge: Same as with Girlas.

Who won? No one ever found out. Kyle and Leo made it to the finals though

And that was our weekend. Pretty intense, wasn't it??

Lobotomy

"And that is why I expect you all to agree with me!"

The other five Directors sitting next to me struggled to keep a straight face. The odious man who had just spoken was talking about clear violations to human rights.

I raised my pen slightly and without asking for it, I decided to speak. "What you are suggesting, Mr. Henriquez is the 'kidnapping' of someone you presume is a convict and who is staying within Italian territory?"

He looked at me. I was the only women in the room, and it was plainly written in his expression that he thought I was more fit to be inside a kitchen. "Why, YES, Miss Delton. Might do you some good to dirty your hands a bit. This is necessary! We are talking about a dangerous man who has deliberately caused harm to our nation and we want him BACK. We want justice. I don't think you really understand any of this, MISS DELTON."

Underestimated.

I HATE when people dare underestimate me.

I felt a shiver of delicious coldness through my veins. I crossed my legs and laughed a sultry laugh, as a mother usually does when scolding a foolish child who is behaving in the silliest of matters. We women have a power over men, and when we use it, they tremble.

"What you are suggesting Mr. Henriquez is ridiculous, and since none of my other companions have spoken yet, I will be more than delighted to make YOU understand how farfetched is your plan. I beg you to remember that you are speaking to an equal and for such a reason, remember your place. I will not agree to your proposal and since the man you say is in Italian territory, I'm afraid I have the last word on such a matter. I will not compromise any of my teams for a plan which I deem frightfully inconvenient."

"How dare you speak to me like that!? You are but a child! You are not seeing things as they should be! I demand to speak with your superior. I cannot believe they have sent a woman to do a man's business!"

I smiled, standing up. I walked to him, still smiling. He just stared at me. It was apparent that, mad as he was, he was still man enough to acknowledge that I was rather ethereal looking. His lips slightly parted as men's usually do when they're surprised, disturbed at my sudden nearness. For an instance he was disarmed.

For an instance I was in control, and I took it. Steel eyes met with his dark eyes. His expression was flushed and I was at a distance where he could do nothing but stare back, with a blank stare.

"Next time you even dare suggest that I or any of the people involved in the INTERPOL do something illegal and against the fundamentals of humankind, especially taking into account the investigations on torture and inhuman treatment by human rights groups, I will personally make sure you rot behind bars. And worry not about the kind of business I can handle, I am more than capable of disarming a country if it were necessary. I would worry about the type of business you can handle, Mr. Henriquez. Rest assured, I will communicate to our superiors the obvious lack of correct parameters establishedto select Intelligence Directors in your Nation. I bid you good night."

I looked at the rest. "Gentlemen, I think we can continue this meeting without our dear Mr. Henriquez."

"Bu- But..."

"You've said enough."

He was flustered, but he stood up and rapidly left the room.

"You really have a way with people, Agent Delton." one of the other Directors smiled.

I laughed.

He had NO idea.

Miss Universe Part I

A tad bit, reporting as the the show goes on. Let's see.

Top 15 Finalists, my favorite 3:
1. Iceland
2. Australia
3. Venezuela

OMG! It's Flo Rida performing. I love Flo Rida. Though these women should move their hips a bit more. They look like pieces of ice. How Frigid!

Finland, honey, that's music, move to it.

Swimsuits, top Moments:

1. Puerto Rico: LOVED HER
2. Iceland: Too Rigid, but very beautiful
3. Albania: hate her glare, and how THIN she is, TOO thin.
4. Dominican Republic: 9.1. AWESOME movements. You go GIRL! I gawked with her.
5. Czech Republic: Is okay.
6. Australia: No movements. 9.2. Too Beautiful.
7. France: Don't like her. 8.6
8. Switzerland: Don't like her either. Doesn't look from Switzerland AT ALL. 8.6
9. South Africa: nice moves! Points? 8.4
10. USA: Pretty but insignificant. 8.0
11. Croatia: Whao. That's a tall woman. 7.8
12. Venezuela: BEAUTIFUL woman. A little thin. 8.7, lacked movement.
13. Belgium: Not worth commenting on.
14. Kosovo: Nah..

I'm missing one! :S Oh no! Well, I guess it's not really important...

Whao. My favorites are definitely Australia, DR, Venezuela, and Iceland. These women need to let go a little, enjoy themselves, Oh! Dresses party. You know what? I'll post more later. Follow @myriamstern in twitter for further details.

Birthday!

Today is Ashley's mom Birthday and we all decided to help out and make her a grand party. Well, not so much as a GRAND party, because Aunt Jeannette is quite a private person, but we all set out to do something she really likes!

I decided *I*, yours truly, would be making the cake. I was glad to be back in Canada, down in the Vancouver Delton Residence as we all got ready for the very private but quite CHICK bday party.

"I don't understand how you can like cooking that much!" Ash was lying in the couch behind me.

I was wearing the cutest apron and was partially covered in cream as I readied the last details of the cake. It had two layers and was covered in pink coated sugar with very pretty small white flower, lily designs.

"I love cooking! It's relaxing and when it's good, you get to see people enjoy something you've made. Like today! I'm sure you'll all love it because I made it with tons of love!" I smiled.

Ash crept from behind me and almost took a bit of the cream. "NONE of that!"

"Oh come on, just the tiniest bit!"

"No WAY! I won't have you touching my piece of art. Besides, the nutella is part of the FILLING. Knowing you, you'd dig your hand into it without minding that it would turn off with a big whole later!"

"OF COURSE I Wouldn't! I'm NOT a kid! In fact, I'm a married woman, you should totally respect me."

"You're 22, you could be married to a Sultan, and you'd still do something as childish as screw my cake. So away with you or I'll call Rink and have HIM put you in your place."

She flushed, glaring at me. "He wouldn't... put me... in my...." She flushed even brighter "Screw that. Forget about that cake. What can I do then, to help?" She stood up with all her innate arrogance and directed her incredibly intense stare at me, green eyes slightly annoyed.

I laughed. "Everything's ready here. If we have the balloons and the decorations in the house, I think it's pretty much ready. Your mom will love this!"

"Yeah, I think she will."

She took a little list out. "I'm glad I married Rink for a grand variety of reasons, but I love the fact that he's taken his sweet time to plan so many details of this all."

"You should be grateful. Very. Alright! All done." I stared proudly at the cake. "Aw. I know Marie would be so proud of me."

"I'm sure she would, now if I only had a taste......"

As we reached the Vasser mansion (where literally you feel like you're entering a movie), everything was beautifully decorated. It seemed like the stage of ball! I had helped with some of decorations, but mostly, my gift had been the dress Aunt Jeannette was wearing. Simple at a first glance, but it was made with the best of fabrics, colored black so as to bring out how regal she is. It had two tails that fell graciously to the floor, which were made from silk. Strapless and accompanied by Swaroski crystals, she looked like a real queen. She was so happy it practically oozed from her pores. Owen, Ash's dad, was also wearing a suit and quite lovingly holding his wife.

Though a "small" dinner party. There were a lot of people of the industry business. We all summed up to nearly 40 people.

We had an extraordinary time. And now I'm watching Miss Universe! Oh yes, my Critic eye is READY to gossip!

New Day, New Lucy

Last night I cried myself to sleep and this morning I decided it was enough! I had a little talk with Caroline Richardson, who reminded me about a few set of things. One: I'm the most beautiful female you will ever encounter! Two: I'm one of the SMARTEST girls you'll ever meet. Three: I have all sorts of talents, and yes, I know just how to use them. Well, the truth is that she gave one of her "confidence-recovery lessons". To quote her, she said "Honey, one week with me and I could give the VIRGIN MARY enough confidence to lose her---"

That was just a very blasphemous thing to say! ><

Anyways. I decided to get my act together and I would start TODAY! I'm young and I'm quite lucky to have the things I have! It was about time that I woke from my stupor and recovered some of that enthusiasm I had before. Don't you think? No more crying or moping around! :)

As a new women, my day was FULL of activities. First thing in the morning, I had some negotiations at the office. I wore very awesome clothing as usual. Of course, I have a reputation to keep. Even while I had my crisis, I was ALWAYS dressed to kill, with THE most modern designs and obviously 'kill-me' awesome looking. As I entered the office the difference was pure attitude. No more scared and worried Lucille. Oh no. I rather like the power of my own feminity. Literally... a click of my fingers and the guys were practically at my feet. I can't believe I had forgotten how this felt. I'm not like Carol that would abuse of such power. As an ethereal looking being, I must be rough while apparently being gentle. Amazing.

I exited the office, feeling great with myself. I laughed, placing my dark dolce glasses and getting on my BRIGHT pink convertible Beetle. Yes. Yes. Yes! I really wanted the attention. I called Samuel to go eat with him in THE most talked about restaurant of Milan. I walked in and effectively, doors opening, they sat us in THE best table and offered some champagne on the house. After all, I am a very VERY popular designer.

"LucIA, Darling! I can FEEL your VIBE! OMG! You're giving ME the goosebumps." Sammy giggled.

I lowered my glasses and looked at him, smiling and biting my lips slightly. "That's because, in the end, you're a man, I can exercise my control over your kind."

Sammy laughed. "Arr! Tigress! Welcome back!"

"And I AM back!" I cheered with him.

After that, I went to the MIX restaurant along with some other friends. Again, we called the attention of everyone in the place. I received some free drinks from random gentlemen. I smiled, really enjoying myself.

Finally, you know what came up next, right? Yes, you do. I went CLUBBING. It had been so long, the music was downright contagious. I couldn't help but being absorbed by the excitement of it all.

Sammy, Caroline and Ashley were in the club too. Sammy would later share with me the conversation they had while I climbed on a table and showed my quite unique dance moves and stole a couple of hearts.

"What have you done...." Ash gasped.

"I finally unleashed her."

"Fuck that shit! OH MY GOD!"

Oh my God indeed!! Hold on to your hearts, this party is BARELY getting started!