Be Brave.

Honestly, and with no restraints, forgetting about the fashion, and the luxury, and the social agenda. Forgetting the wild fiestas, and the beautifully decorated halls of a fashion show. Stripped of anything else, what do I get?

I'm not arrogant and a total wild force of nature like Ashley. I certainly don't have Carol's ambition and machiavellic scheming. I'm not a winter beauty, a porcelain doll, like Vero. I definitely lack Caterina's honesty, determination and naturally fun approach. I don't have Katzereine's exotic beauty and incredible maturity either. I can't bake the sweetest cupcakes and be as cute and passionate as Marie.

But I WILL TELL YOU What I AM! THIS IS MY STATEMENT!

I'm compassionate and caring! I genuinely love the people around me, because I believe in them. I believe in people. I disagree with Nietzsche; man cannot be solely evil. There must be more to him. I believe that there are those who care, and those who make a difference, and I value human life beyond anything else. And if someone has a problem with me believing in those things, then I can take them on. I'm not afraid! I don't fear my future, or death, or change, what I fear is not being able to protect those that I love. I cannot bear the pain of seeing them suffer.

And I'm talented. Beyond anything you could imagine. Not only can I design clothing and give people something they can feel comfortable in, but I also happen to design the most intricate of softwares. I'm a member of MENSA for crying out loud. If its a computer, I can break it down or create it once more. I'm a data engineer, having been trained soley for that purpose, to excel in a world were technology would prime.

And I'm sexy too! Ah, but I talked about that in my last post.

And why oh why am I saying this to you? Because maybe I feel so much smaller than these women who accompany me. Maybe just maybe, I'm not half as special yet I want to be. They're all so admirable in their very own way. They can make it. Surely, they've withstood so much, and have prepared themselves so little sometimes for the things they face so bravely. How can I not feel but paling before them? And yes, I'm me, and I'm not afraid to be, but sometimes I fear that alone might not be enough.

And I tell myself, Lucille be brave and continue fighting. If you look at them, you might be able to learn a bit from each one, and I hope to do. I hope I can befriend them and just pull a bit from each, the best, and adopt it to my own little self. Be brave, because you also have much to give. Be brave because there is much to do, and only you can do it. I have no doubt.

And how do they see me? Would they believe I'm making an effort? Would they believe I'm trying hard to create some footsteps of my own that can follow theirs? Would they judge me if I want to walk by their side and give them my genuine best? Would they be bothered that I just want to be there for them, even if they all stand proudly on their own? Sometimes I ask myself these questions and I can't help wonder.

Day after day I repeat that I'll grow stronger. My strength comes from wanting to be there, from having people who want me near. I need to be needed. Maybe I was born to give hope. I'd like to believe that. Hope is such a beautiful feeling. And Love. Love is the greatest feeling of them all. I'm ever the romantic, ever the optimist, ever the fool who loves life, and in return expects to be accepted.

And at the same time, the hidden me. The one who lurks inside, my insecurities, my deepest fears; the darkest secrets that can be shared with no one. What should I do about them? Opposing the romantic is the skeptic. Meeting up against the love for humanity is the inevitable battle against the hate for how frail life is. Against the innocence lies the perturbing notion of inconceivable wisdom. And I let them stay there. Buried and controlled. My only exit is the wonder of pleasure. The darkness and the lust play along, until I can find some release from the fear of turning into a bad person. And I will not be consumed. I refuse. My truth, my belief, my love, my hope will make me that much stronger. That is what I like most about ME. I will never allow myself to be overcome... even if I should be threatened to give in, I will persist, until I am no more, if that is necessary.

When I was in the Institute in Italy, there was only a boy accompanying me. He had been sold to the Institute because his family had needed the money and the boy was a prodigy. He was my opposite; my parents were paying the institute to keep me away, even though I was as special as the other boy. And I was amazed at how different our views about life were. He hated everything and everyone, hating the institute the most. I lived every day, believing things would change and that it was a challenge. I thought about my brother and how lively he always was, and even the darkest of moments seemed to brighten. I learned then, that love, any expression of it, would always serve as a more powerful weapon than hate. And that boy became twisted, believing that transhumanism was necessary. I, on the other hand, promised to protect what I thought was most important: our humanity. Two opposing forces, and yet, so easily broken into each other.

Be brave, Lucy, be brave. I always whisper those words, as I wake and face the world, always with the intention of becoming that much stronger and dependable. I care about people, I want to protect people, and if I have the power to do so, I will any way I can. This person, this me, can do it. Anyone can, and certainly I will too. I am not afraid. If I have to give my life for others, if I have to fight a storm or battle my very own demons, I will cherish life. Even if I'm the only left that is naive enough to trust. Even if my kindness is taken for granted, I will be happy giving. My will, will prevail, even if i'm the only one left that believes. Even if I point my arrow at nothingness, I'll be the only one. I'll give hope. I'll keep moving forward, until hopefully that light spreads and more can join me. One can make a difference. I can make a difference too.

And this is me. Little me, who believes the world can be changed for better. This is me, who loves life and enjoys every minute and does not regret even the worst of moments. This is me, the one trying to be brave, to have others admire her, the one trying to share her passion for life. This is who I am. And yes I am special, and yes I'm not like the rest, and yes i'm an idealist. But I am also an optimist. If I cry, I'll cry at night were no one can see me, unless my tears are shared alongside with a friend. I will laugh out loud and not at someone's else misery. I will dwelve into the most exotic of fantasies, just to say I've done it, I've been there, I have no fears.

This is me. And what keeps me going are feelings such as love, hope, desire, passion, truth, persistance..... oh! And two words: "Be Brave"