A little fall of rain

I'm the sex goddess.

I've read the books. I know the techniques. I have the practice.

I know how to make men beg; how to enslave them until they cannot think of anything else, but me.

Other than that, I'm a total mess when it comes to men. It's one thing controlling their "ahem", but it's a totally different matter knowing how they'll respond to things or what to say to them or... AH!

I love my boyfriend. And he said he loved me too. So far, so good. I had never reached this point in a relationship. As in NEVER.

Now I don't know what to do, but I feel messed up and insecure. I know. Just like me to be dumb. I finally have him. I finally have the person I love there next to me and he returns my feelings and that thought alone makes me feel so warm inside. But at the same time I'm so very afraid, as if this was just a dream and I will wake up at any given moment.

~sigh~

It's pointless. To think about something endlessly. I love him. I am totally in love with him. The way he smiles at me. The way he cups my face. The way he sleeps and eats. His personality. His laugh. The small things that make him him. When he touches me I melt and when he's not with me I feel void, empty. This is crazy, isn't it?

I feel like I want to be cuddled by him. He can make these fears go away.

He said today "let's get married". Has he gone insane? Does he knows what marriage implies? Is he willing to take on that? And just like that! Because it's the fashionable thing to do? Because everyone is doing it? This just gets me more worried. I feel a little sick right now.

What do I want? I want him. I want to wake up with him every morning and go to sleep with Ethan by my side. Even if we just met, I want him to be there, share together, I want to cook for him and pamper him, and when he gets sick I want to make it better. I want to be his companion, his friend, someone he can trust, someone he can come home too. It's so basic what I want. I want to start a new life with him. Marriage? It's scary, but of course I want it. But I want to be sure he wants it too.

That's it!

Proove you want me, Ethan! I'm the prize, come and claim me! Do everything you can to win the contest!

I'm so pissed now. (yeah rapid mood changes) --->

We haven't had sex in a week. To make matters worse, he won't even be here for my birthday. Now I'm sad :(

I'm such a drama queen. I want to hide inside the bed covers (and that's exactly what I will do). Buuu.