In my Skin

When I'm called into the office I must come. Period. There are no "buts" in my line of work. You either appear when you're needed or better not appear at all. Being boss, of course, has its benefits. I usually don't have to be IN the office to know what's happening or to give orders to the rest of the deparment. Nonetheless, I try to let them all know I'm there. My night round with Vincenzo had definitely occupied most of my mind during the entire morning, but after some time I became absorbed with work.

At about 2:00 am I was still in the office. We were all there, but as it happens, at night time, and at that hour, the environment becomes incredibly silent. I sat in front of my computer, in my desk, inside the biggest office of the second floor.

Santiago came in and brought me a cup of coffee.

"Oh, thank you, but I don't drink coffee."

"Nah boss. Just drink this one cup. It's pretty cold inside this building. You need to warm yourself and besides, there's no tea. So... take your caffeine drink and cheer up. Hopefully we'll be done before the sun comes out."

I smiled at him fondly. "Thank you."

He returned the smile. I noticed his slight flush of the cheeks and the way he swayed his body back in forth in obvious satisfaction. "Nothing, really."

Ever since Johnathan had left towards England the office was quiet.

Truthfully? I was just thinking about how I really wanted to sleep. I was so tired. Drinking the coffee, I continued working until three in the morning, when we had finally finished what we had to do and I took off for my house.

I know I complain most of the time, and I whine a lot. I'm completely conscious about that. I often think that I rather not talk to anyone at all about it, because it feels like I'm imposing on them. That is why writing all these feelings is what helps me out the best. It feels like I'm writing to a million invincible people who read these words because they want, not because they're obliged to do so.

Why do I seek so desperately to be accepted and loved? Maybe it had to do with my parents. Maybe it had to do with the institute itself. I do know that some years ago, I was completely and utterly sure of where I was going, and all I had in my hands were illusions of grandeur. Today, I don't know where I'm really going, though I know what I like to do.

I beleive love moves everything. We act because of love. We are always seeking someone who loves us and takes care of us, or sometimes we search for someone to love. Both aspects are incredibly important.

Who am I kidding? My heart is broken in too many pieces and I'm having a hard time putting it together. That is why I feel safest when I'm working and I forget I even have a life anymore. I'm alone. I walk this lonely road. My brother has his life and I feel incredibly happy for him. My parents are dead. Everyone has someone they're fighting for.

I seem to have found some light in Vincenzo. I don't know him. I don't know if I like him. I've only chatted three times with him. I enjoy his company; he is an Adonis, but what happens now? Did I act too rashly? Did I break many rules? Now what!

I need to sleep! Good Night!