Sugar Rain

Today I went to the supermarket. Shopping is one of my many talents, whether it be groceries or clothing, I always find a way of getting the best of the best. It's not strange, people in my usual super know me pretty well. They usually help me get the greatest fruits and veggies, and they're always so nice to me. It's going out with all the bags that's the problem. I usually blink prettily to two or three italian men nearby and they will immediately act as knights in shinning armor who pull my problems away and into the car.

So... after I'm in the car, then what? I get to my studio, and I have to pick my stuff all on my own. The building consierge is a fat, lazy man, who wouldn't help me with my groceries unless I were an extra cold beer bottle. I frown at him, but he merely growls, adding what's obvious "I've done my share of women, those pretty big eyes won't make me move from my chair". At this point, I feel like crying. I hate violence. Well, I hate brutality, and having to force myself more than usual. Women, and you might judge me for what I'm about to say, but we're generally delicate creatures. We should be pampered and at the same time serve.

~sigh~ This world is so disastrous because we've lost our balance.

I finally got to my house and unpacked everything. I gave Nemo his food and then sat in front of my mega computer for a while.

I take the hands off the keyboard for a second....

You know what? I believe in humanity. I believe that, in fact, deep down, we're all looking for a way to become better. I have faith that we're good. When we do something wrong, I believe it's because we're lacking in something else and we seek in the undergrounds of this world a way to fill in the emptiness of our miserable existence. But I believe in love. I believe that good will triumph if there ever was a war between light and darkness, I will settle for the light. Just because. It's a simply minded way of thinking, but I need to trust in the goodness that lies within all of us.

There you find my hope and dreams.

Nonetheless, as an Intelligence agent, I have no time to reflect upon good or evil, light or dark. I simply have a mission and I execute it. I do so, thinking that my actions are effectively making the world a better place.

I work on homicide, rape, theft.... every possible crime you can imagine. I don't usually go to the crime scene, though. It is not usually required. However, this morning, I was called to a small house located in the perimeter of the city. It was empty save for three corpses, hanging upside down, their blood having been drained. One of them was an 8 year old child. At that moment, I lost all contact with my ideals and hopes, and I just thought about hunting down and torturing anyone who would do such a thing. Apparently, the criminal's Modus Operandi was to do just that, leave the bodies as I explained and he also left a tape. It took me two hours to find a voice such as his own and locate him. I sent a team to capture him but I couldn't go. The reason for not going was simple: If I saw that beast I would've killed it.

It's rather contradictory. I believe that we degenerate sometimes to a point where we leave behind all semblance of humanity. I, myself, give in to my instincts in the strangest of ways. I won't talk about that now. But when it does happen, when I let go of my emotion and become entirely rational I eliminate from the genetic pool any beast that would commit a crime such as the one I had witnessed.

I think about it now. I once told a person that there were characteristics of the 'core' me, that would never disappear. I love fashion, I love my 9mm gun, I love my brother, I love a lot... I love, freely because you should live like that. I love cooking, and archery and yoga and pilates, and my little fish, and Marie, and Ash, and Vero, Carol, and my family... I suffer a bit from ADD, I'm exceptionally smart. I like karaoke, I want to change the world, even if a little, I want to be desperately needed. I guess there's much to say about that. But maybe another day.

Right now, I feel as I always feel when I write, more alone than ever, but I couldn't be in better company. I guess that for today, I will let go of it all and I'll just go clubbing like any 24 year old. Or maybe I won't, because that is no longer important to me. Maybe I'll go to a quiet place and just look at the stars, and fall asleep beneath the grand lake of blue. Maybe I'll dream of having dreamed everything altogether.

Maybe I'll just do something crazy tonight! Yes, I think that's it. Tonight, I'll just hide within the world. Where no one can find me, where I can breathe, where pain and hate subside, and only nature exists.

Maybe. :P