THREE DAYS AGO..."Tell me about your father."
That sentence broke me out of my stupor. Entirely. It was as potent as a shot of Red Bull. I stared at Dr. Roselyn a full minute before I spoke.
"Really? REALLY?" I squealed slightly, trying to act cute and get rid of of the sudden uncomfortable feeling that had dawned upon me.
"Yes Really." She fixed her glasses. For a psychologist, she dressed right on. She had beautiful gold earrings that matched her hair. Her green, very penetrating eyes, stared at me intently. I liked her. I really liked her. She was nice, but this was the first time we were alone in a room. Usually we were having group discussions, which made it much easier to share just about anything. I sighed.
"I don't know where to start."
"Wherever you feel comfortable starting." she smiled at me "I'm sure you'll get the getgo the moment you start. You're a pretty good talker."
And that I was. Problem was that half of it was just random stuff I sorta included into the package to justify that I was happy and opening my mouth and emitting sounds because of it. I sobered.
"He was tall. And he had reddish hair. He didn't talk much, but he was really smart. He was my grandmother's favorite son." For a moment I paused, and then the words just came blurting out. "I hated him because he never cared for me. He just kept me there and fed me out of obligation. He never really looked at me. I was always trying to impress him, but he would just brush me off and said he had more important matters to attend to. I never understood why I wasn't as good as Eric until I grew up a bit more... but... I always thought I deserved the same level of attention. He didn't want me. Until I proved I could be useful. I gave him the best possible excuse to sent me away... and he did. As soon as he could."
"How often did you see your parents?"
"Twice a year. Maybe. Sometimes it was just once a year. Other times we got to see each other four times. It all depended, but it was never more than five."
She nodded briefly. "Do you understand why I'm asking you about this?"
"Because you think that my BPD has something to do with the fact that I was neglected and ignored as a child. You think that because I lacked wanting and love as a child, I am desperately searching for it now. I am searching for a reason to be complete yet I already am."
"And what do you think about this?"
"That it's crap and talking about either my parents is not worth my time." I crossed my arms, angry.
She laughed and took off her glasses. "Lucille... you are incredibly smart. Or no, how should I say this... as the great Sheldon Cooper once said, you'd have to loose several IQ points to be considered smart. Your tests intelligence tests reveal incredible results, yet your emotional tests.... I don't need to inform you how those are."
"Hey! I bet they're not as bad as they were before........! .............are they?"
"No, they're not." she shook her head "You have great potential, but you feel misunderstood, alone. You feel as though no one understands you, as though no one wants to be with you. You feel alone. The whole world is caving in on you and you just think 'why am I fighting this alone? Why isn't there someone with me to help me in this battle?' I will tell you this, Lucille. You are not alone. You should know that and look around yourself to understand that. Quite the contrary. I think you have an arsenal of people from what you've told me. Take a minute. Close your eyes. Tell me what you desire most in the moment right now..."
I closed my eyes. What DID I desire the most in the world at that very moment. I sighed again. "A family..."
And right then and there something hit me hard in the head. "OUCH, WHAT THE---" I turned.
"Idiot!" Eric frowned down at me. "You already have ONE."
My eyes widened from pure shock. "Wha...!? But..." I stared from him to the doctor, to Eric, then again to the doctor "How did you know I would..."
She winked at me, as she stood up "I'm good, aren't I?" she walked towards the door and said "I'll leave you two alone a while..." And left promptly afterward.
"Did it ever occur to you that I would want to be THE first to know what you were going through!? Why didn't you tell me! Why didn't you call me!?"
"Because I DID call you, Eric! I called you and you told me you were busy and didn't have the time."
"WHEN THE HELL DID I SAY THAT!?"
"A month ago, when I asked you to come over because I was lonely."
It suddenly seem to hit him what I was talking about. "I... shit." he seemed to be looking for the right words to say. "God... I didn't think it was that important. I mean, if you'd told me that you suffered something like Borderline Personality Disorder I would've rushed..."
"I didn't have to tell YOU." I silenced him "You're always telling me how you love me and will protect me, but when I really need you, you're conveniently never there."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean!? I've had millions of problems and I'm never calling you to help me solve them! I mean, where have YOU been!"
"CONVENIENTLY outside your door. I was there when Christine broke your heart, I was there when Caterina left, I was there when you broke up with Veronique. And you know it. You know you've always had the big sister right there. Well, guess what, Eric, I'm completely broken. And the moments you care, I'm either connected to an IV in a clinic or inside a psych's office."
We stared at each other.
He was the first to sigh, stand up and sit next to me. "I will never, EVER, understand women. You seem to have a labyrinth inside your mind and inside that one you have another one even more complex than the first."
I also sighed and held on to his hand and placed my head against his shoulder. "I feel so lost. I hurt all over. Every time I think I'm doing some progress, this shit just backfires. Why do I feel like I have absolutely nowhere to belong?"
"I can't really answer that for you. But maybe it's the way you cope. When mom and dad died, you were like a statue. In fact, people said you were in a total state of shock."
"And yet when grandpa died I was crying all over."
"Maybe because he was actually nice to you."
I looked at him.
"Yeah, I know our parents were shitty. I mean, they were SHITTIER to you than to me, but that doesn't mean they weren't shitty to me too."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Are you kidding? Finally I get to be with my most adored sister in the world, I wasn't going to talk about problems with you! I personally just pretended it was you and me in the family and everything was alright."
I laughed. "It was much easier when we were kids."
He squeezed my hand, then took it and kissed it. "I love you. More than anything in the whole world, you're like my number ONE ONE." he smiled happily at me "I know you're sensible and you feel broken and sometimes one little thing can mean the end of the world to you, but I'm here, Luce. I'm not going anywhere anytime. But I need you to tell me. I need you to give me a call and allow me to appear and save you. If I had super powerful hearing and could hear you shout out for help, then I wouldn't need it. However, I'm not superman, I need you to tell me things. Nonetheless. You're STRONG. You were a Director in the INTERPOL, you BUILT a plane, you COOK and make the coolest clothing ever. You have the world at your feet. Don't let yourself be your own worst enemy. You have people who adore you, and who will willingly die for you, though, please don't go make me kill myself."
I smiled at him softly. I couldn't stop the tears. He cupped my face and kissed my forehead. "Even though you're older, I'm your taller brother, So I will protect you... though... my basic point is... You don't really need protection." he winked at me and cleared my tears. "Pull yourself together, Delton."
I laughed "I sure will, Delton."
"Oh, and I brought you you're white rat from hell thingie..."
I noticed he was carrying a very nice cage. "LILOOO!!" I squealed.
Immediately, my beautiful ferret jumped onto me.
"Can you handle this?"
"I think I can handle anything!"
TODAY---"Match Point, LUCILLE!"
"FUCK THIS SHIT, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLE BE SO FUCKING GOOD!"
"Oh, Settle down, Earnie." Remind me to never play tennis with a squizophrenic. They really hated losing.
"You really are good." There was a girl who I had befriended in the center. Ironic much, her name was Chrissy. "It's amazing. Earnie used to be really good before he got locked up in here."
I couldn't help but laughing. "I like tennis. Really fun sport..."
"You seem to be good at everything you set your mind in doing." she said in awe.
"Why thank you. I really try my best."
"You make it seem like you're not even trying. Is that normal?"
"We're in a mental institute, is THIS normal?"
She laughed fondly and loudly. She was incredibly nice and you could define her as pretty much normal. She was at the institute because she had broken the windows of her boyfriend's car when she caught him cheating on her. Unfortunately they (her now ex and the bimbo he was kissing) were still in the car when she did it, which earned her a month of anger management in the institute. She had never been happier about anything else she'd ever done.
"What about you? Are you feeling like facing the world tomorrow?" she asked me
I had spent three days in the institute voluntarily. I know it was crazy, but being around crazy people was slightly relaxing. You weren't weird and you realized some people were way off worst than you.
"I think I'll do fine. I'm leaving in a little while."
"Well, I think you've made a lot of progress, honestly. I mean, I totally support you. I love your clothing. You might as well keep designing, so I can keep buying."
I smirked. "We just made a new addition to the store. It's become a really cool place."
"And hey, if you need to talk with someone, I'm totally you're amiga. Nothing like a mental institute to create an everlasting bonding friendship."
I laughed. "True! I totally agree."
"Remember to always keep a balance. Normal people have a certain type of balance within their own personalities. Too much 'nice' and you'll end up getting hurt. Too much 'bitch' and they'll probably throw you off a cliff!"
"Worry not! I already jumped off a bridge!"
And we laughed. Oh man, the stupidity, but these lousy days were just fine.
"Anyways, tonight I'm going to prepare a special dinner."
"For a special someone?"
"Maybe" I laughed "Maybe not!"
"Will it be for that hunk of your brother!? He's SOOOO hot."
"And happily in a very stable and bizarre but extraordinary relationship."
"Oh bummer, all the good ones are taken."
"Or gay!"
"Yeah!"
"Like SAMMY!!"
"Like Sammy. yep."
We stared at each other and laughed again.
"I don't think you're crazy." she gave me two thumbs up.
I hugged her. "Thank you, C!" I smiled happily.
"Go get 'em, Foxy!"
I winked, as I ran to my room to get my stuff. "They'll never know what got 'em!"
