Little Girl

Today I went out to the movies to watch "Julie & Julia". I personally LOVED it, though some of the people within my group had vastly dissenting opinions. I decided I would buy the book the minute the movie was done. And I did! You see, I live on my own, and I cook my own dinners (sometimes lunch) and I find enormous pleasure in cooking. I also like cooking for the people I love and watching their faces change as they savour the food. It brings me so much pleasure. Nonetheless, I won't ever take cooking as a profession!! It requires so much time and dedication!! What I do is just for hobbie!

But... I can't wait to cook the beef bourguinon!! Or that delicious looking DUCK! I'm looking forward to it!

Changing the subject entirely, I've been so much better these days. I think life is moving at a steady pace and every time I'm about to get even the slightest bit down I imagine I'm a ninja headed for a secret mission and I have no time to be beating myself for the smallest of things. I'm happy. Things are working out for me at the store, things are working out in the friends department (kinda), and well, things are kinda working out in the relationship department. Okay, so it's not all working out through and through, but I'm on it. I'm doing the best I can.

Changing the subject again (yes, I'm quite the ADD girl, aren't I?), I still can't decide what I want to make for Halloween. I have plenty of options: bumblebee, pirate, goddess, angel, butterfly. I still haven't decided. The thing is, I make my own costumes, I design them, carefully make them and that way I ensure they are unique beyond belief. I don't take on orders on making them, because it's not something I commercially do, I just do it for myself. I have a beautiful idea for the butterfly costume, that's why I think i'm going for that, but I'm still not 100% sure.

A lot of people are dressing up as couples! :O I'm very much amazed (in a good way, mind you). Carol and Leo are quite a scandal wanting to go as priest and nun. Oh what the hell, Carol hasn't stepped inside a church for years, it doesn't count as blasphemy if you don't really believe in it all the way (though she says she does).

During a period of my life, I was very much like Kyle. I dated more than half the boys in the school and never broke up with them in a way that we were anything but friends. I still see some of my exes and they hug me and laugh and we take pictures and remember old times. I'm still wondering what I was thinking back then. I see those years from afar, as though another person had lived in my skin. I had a lot of sex and partied hard. I don't regret it either. I'm glad I did it, because you're supposed to be stupid during your teenage years. What I find hard to believe is that most of it seems like dreamlike. Maybe I should've taken some more time in actually trying to have a relationship. I know, it sounds like much regret, but this is just me thinking through. I was crowned queen of prom not because I had any real relationships, but because I was held as the most popular, utterly amazing girl, yet no one really bothered to get to know me. After high school was over and done, the whole thing seems like the scene of a movie you just saw once and barely remember, though you know it did happen.

My problem might be that I'm too nice it's almost not genuine. I say "SIGH" to this. I have my outburts, but I don't really dislike anyone. Maybe I don't know people enough to dislike them, but I like to think I'm like Julia Child! She was happy and nice with everyone and the only person who disliked her was that bloody director of Le Cordon Bleu. But... she was admirable!! People loved loved her. And she said so herself, that she really didn't dislike anyone (except the director). It's hard to dislike people when you find something splendid in each and ever one. It's hard to dislike someone, when you think that they might have their own reason, their own way of being. I'm so naive. I barely understand these hardcore interactions between people. I don't understand much because I lack the experience. And I lack the experience because I was too afraid to get hurt. Nonetheless I was hurt, life continues, and we all have to keep fighting. I didn't want to be seen as someone who hurt the rest. I wanted to be loved and cherished and thought of like a person who gave it her best and made it through. I wanted to be a source of inspiration. I wanted people to look at me and think 'now she's a shining star, she's a nice girl'.

And guess what? I'm none of those things. I'm just Lucille. But a vast amount of people hold me as incredibly talented. Others call me a bed goddess. Others refer to me as a porcelain doll. And I humbly think that I don't deserve the nicknames, but I accept them. I'm in love with these incredible people that keep me going. I cherish the fact that they see me as someone that they look up to. These are not the people that know me and share with me on a day to day basis, but they are customers, and exes, and people who I've shared moments with, that tell me that I did, in fact, change them for the better. To these people, I am very grateful. They fill me with joy.

Even the smallest of details will make me happy. Incredibly happy.

I'm just me. I'm complex, but at the same time, it's not all that hard to understand me. I'm pulling through, I'm one of you. I'm alive and trying to make it. I won't fail, I won't get discouraged. I'm a fighter. :) Bare with me.