Plunging

I jumped off a bridge.

Yeah. I know... sounds wicked right?

Veronique and I had a big fight. I went and meddled. I did it because I care. I DO care. I'm not dumb. I might pretend to be stupid sometimes and flash big eyes to get my way, but I'm definitely not dumb. I am DENSE. Yes, I am. I can get into anyone's pants, but not so easily into their hearts.

So here's how my mind works (yes, I think I'm beginning to understand).

I told Nathan that I didn't want to have sex with him, not because I had used him and was done with it, but because I didn't want to go to that place with him. I mean, no matter how you color that, I know it gives off a bad taste. I just expected he would understand. I'm not betraying him, I'm not sending him to hell. I'm not disposing of him. I want to be his friend, but not like that. ~sighs~ I ended up falling into Caroline's category of "persona non grata" nonetheless. I hope one day he can understand that I didn't use him like he thinks women use him. Nathaniel, you didn't "SAVE" me. If anyone saved me it was actually Rudyard who is MY THERAPIST. What I meant to say is that my friends: Marie, Vero, you, gave me hope. I thought that was supposed to be encouraging and it was to create a bond or something. Again, sorry for being wrong.

As for the fight, I'm a dumb matchmaking girl. I thought there was hope among hope and I have my right to believe in these things, even though if that might anger you or bemuse you, Nathan. Ever since I was little, I saw Kyle and Marie as a golden couple. And that failed. I wish I could help Marie get back her love, her life, because she deserves it. She's a great person, she loved him, and I'm sure he loved her. I'm not meddling because I write it on my blog, right? Okay. Clearing that out. That THEY broke apart is like an "OMG sign is there hope for any of us!?" And then, there's Veronique. I admire her so much. Like really. That's a real woman. I love her so very much too, she might not even expect that. I want what's best for her too. And every time I see her, I know that she still loves you, Nathan.... Ah!

I thought with Vero because I hurt Nathan. And I jumped off ( AN ARTIFICIAL TOTALLY SAFE BRIDGE I EVEN HAD SPARE CLOTHING IN THE CAR) to blow off the steam. I needed to plunge down into cold cold water and free myself from the stress. That's the thing about me, adrenaline makes me feel alive. I can't handle stress therefore I go out there, break the limits. I don't like fighting. I don't like people yelling at me. I don't like feeling broken or breaking people. I want peace, I want there to be good relationships among us all, even if it's not possible. I know life goes on and people get mad and hurt and sometimes they never speak to each other again. Why?

Even with Christian. Right now, I can't bear to talk with him, I'm close to the point of hating him for hurting me and for choosing Nathaniel so obviously over me. I was the girlfriend, I was supposed to open his heart, but I didn't. Maybe I was also jealous that I couldn't. But as I swam in the freezing cold water I realized I wanted to be his friend one day too. Even if it took me some while, I wanted to one day talk to him and laugh, and leave all these memories in the past. I don't want anger. I want happiness. I want forgiveness. Is that bad?

Innocent? Dense? Dumb? Stupid? Maybe. But it's my belief, it's my way. Inside this hell called loneliness I think we can all survive by holding on to each other.

That's why I'm sad that Nathaniel thinks that I used him. That's why I'm sad that I didn't quite reach him and he's gone far off, away from me and placed me right inside that category with the most selfish person on this Earth. I want to change that and prove myself. I'm not giving up. I know I can't pull through on my own. I still need guidance, but I have the will to fight and get to places. I might get angry and hurt, but I can make it.

Ayyyyy... ~sighs~ I'm sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy