Anxiety

I spent the day with Christian today (or yesterday). We had a little picnic in Hyde Park with a variety of goodies, very nice. And then we saw two movies, played monopoly (which I had never played before), finalizing the evening with a two question length game of truth and dare and a make out session. I picked up the remnants of the day and carefully cleaned everything until it was spotless.

And then the anxiety began. Slowly, but certainly, it creeped into my skin. I shook my head and tried to shake it off, but as I lay in the solitude of my room it imploded and exploded in the blink of an eye. One minute I was fine, another minute I had sat up in my bed hyperventilating. My second chance at living did not come without its repercussions. Added to my fear of blood and disease, came along an overpowering fear of death itself. I don't want to die.

Just as soon as I thought the phrase, I was walking half way through the room, towards the bathroom, washing my face with water. I don't want to die, I don't want to die, but I will nonetheless die some day. I can't escape it, my life will end. I sat down again in the bed, trying to overcome the wave after wave of graphic images of death the crept through my mind. I felt sick. There was nothing I could do to change that fate. I wanted to cry. I started crying.

I called everyone. I mean it. EVERYONE. No one picked up. What now? What now? God, help me, I'm scared. Before I wasn't living and I yearned to die, but now I was living and with every step I took to discover more of what I wanted and who I wanted to be, the fears just kept growing.

Why doesn't anyone pick up the phone? The anxiety is killing me. I need to Breathe, breathe. Now what?

I'm not a coward. I won't keep worrying over that. But I will die and who I am will cease to exist, and I will be no more. I'm terrified. I want my mom and dad, but they can't be here. I'm a child again and I've been cornered...

... and just like that, I closed my eyes and prayed. Pray. Pray. I snuggled into my bed and turned on the TV to its loudest level.

And then came the insecurities along with the anxiety, until my eyes closed on their own and fear gave way to how tired I was.

This isn't normal. I need to just accept it and go on. Go on. Go on.