Round 2

This time I'm not repeating my mistakes. Mistakes are good because you learn from them, aren't they? I've learned. Is that part of having grown up? Am I ready now? I want to be.

The words I told Nathan weeks ago come back to my mind: the things I desired, the things I could handle, what I wanted, what I wished to stay away from. They kept coming back to me.

I still like Christian. I really do. Even as I tried to convince myself that it had all been a foolish illusion in my head, my feelings were real. I know this, because I found myself last night, wanting to know him, wanting to be there for him. I realized in seconds just how childish I had been before. If you truly like someone you're supposed to compromise for that person. Then why didn't I see that before? Nathan was right, I was still confused and in a moment I wasn't ready, because I was still changing. Bad moment. But now, now that I feel much more defined and in balance with myself, I understood what it meant to like someone. Sure, it hurts, you're giving yourself, and you become vulnerable for that person, but it's worth it, when you see that person smile, or even so much as acknowledge you.

He's a person who likes to be in control. He's tight, and well, let's face it, square, but I find that all the more endearing now. I'm the complete opposite. I hold nothing back. Yesterday, I sat before him, and I wanted to learn from him. I desired to compromise, I was willing to step out of my own boundary of commodity to understand his reasoning and accept him as who he is. I was a coward before, mayhap I have more courage now.

Softly, slowly, I want to know him. I don't want to rush things, it's still so fragile. This feeling, I want to nurture it... I don't want the pressure or the fast pace of today's society. I definetely want to move steadily forward, making sure I enjoy whatever happens. Round 2? I seem to get plenty of second chances, and I thank God for that. Thoroughly.

He kissed me. Well, he asked if he could kiss me. Considering what happened previously, I don't blame him for asking. His kiss was devastating for me. For a person such as myself, with experience galore, the kiss meant a new beginning. It was unlike anything I had previously lived, as though, my emotions were on the verge of going array. I wanted him to taste me, but I also wanted to taste, I wanted him to touch me, and I wanted to respond in kind. I felt myself shy once more as what already stood so delicately in a plane above my control, swept me away. And I wanted it to last forever, I wanted to take my time, losing myself in the devastation of it all.

I'm surprised at my own reaction! I really do like this.... I really really like him.