Admitting Defeat...?

I'm at work. I'm tired and I've had nothing to eat in the whole day. I want to scream. In fact, for the first time in my life, I don't really care about the lives I'm saving or the people I'm helping with my actions. Does that make me a bad person? When I took this job, I knew it was a one way road. You live to serve. Even though you don't get the thanks you deserve, you have to do your best. Once in a while they'll give you a badge and they'll promote you.

And what's the point of getting promoted if it just means more work? What's the point of even being ambitious if at the end of the day your efforts are being recognized with more work? What's the point of it all!?

And my grandmother's words came back to me "All that genius being wasted..."

I wonder... what if?

I mean, what the hell is wrong with all of you!? Bloody Poodles and Bloody Chihuahuas, it's like we were in kindgarten; get over yourselves. Perfect or Imperfect, what the hell do you care if you're a freakin' masturbator? Ugh. Not freakin', FUCKING. What the hell am I to you all? The nice sister, the doubtful girl. PRETTY. I'm fucking pretty. I'm a doll... IF I HEAR that one more time I'm going to retch. That's great, I'm beautiful. But my personality is fucking good as well. I'm never being heard, I'm always being ignored, I'm supposed to be something because that's what's expected of me. Here comes the fashion artiste, here comes the police girl. I'm always shouting out to the world and it's never listening to me. Never. I'm alone. And the others might not mind, but I do. I'm tired of saving everyone when no one's saving me. I'm tired of fighting for peace, when everyone is always looking for war. I'm sick of being treated like I'm stupid for what I'm standing for.

I've been humiliated, ignored, embarrassed for long enough. I've cared about others expecting something in return. I was so wrong. In the end, we all fend for ourselves. A smile is not returned with a smile in this world. I don't want the riches or the ambitions, but I want the freedom and the recognition.

So let's stop kidding ourselves, right? In the end, if you're good they'll just screw you over. In the end, trying to seek friendship and hoping for the best, gets you down. In the end, when you hope for something it all falls down and breaks. So why hope at all? Why even expect something from people when all they do is disappoint you. I'm sorry, my expectations were to high. No. Wrong. I shouldn't have expected anything from anyone in the first place.

Am I admitting defeat? Yes, I fucking am admitting defeat. I've lost my faith on people. Officially. Humankind is destined to rot and swell up and die. Humankind is evil to its kin. No one will cut you a break if you give them the benefit of the doubt. No one will give you a second chance. So I'm young and I'm pissed, and I don't care anymore.

I don't care about designing anymore; I don't want to dress up people. Screw fashion, unless I wear it. Interpol? I already filed in my resignation. Whatever. They can't stop me. What I'm going to do? Who the hell cares? Maybe I'll take over Eric's little throne. Maybe I WILL be the first female to lead the Deltons. Why not? Maybe I'll go to Japan and visit Tokyo Tower. Why not? Whatever I want. Whatever I feel like doing. Whatever makes me feel like the damn great fucking woman that I am.

That's what I'm doing, and if you have a problem. He. For the first time...

... I don't give a damn.