Excuse Me, Pardon Me

I'm doing therapy with Rudyard. It has helped. I've decided to take things slowly and calmly. I've discovered that every time I go through one of those crazy adrenaline phases I end up back in blue land feeling all down. That had to change. I'm trying to create true bonds, and I'm talking things out. My passive agressive behaviour does not allow me to grow, therefore I'm trying to be more outspoken.

I went drinking with Vero just two days ago and have been spending a lot of time with Marie. I've also been talking more and more with Samuel and I think I'm steadily getting better. I love danger, I love experiences that give you a new high, but I do that because I'm trying to cover for the things I don't do.

I'm officially back into the store, I'm designing again. I'm painting again. I decided to paint my room and just draw and enjoy the sweet little things of life. Slowly, casually, this time I'm making it right. I love modelling. I love art. I love creating. Therefore I'm also working on reestructuring a bit. It's currently two stories big, but we're building a whole new studio so that Samuel can do the photography too. I was even thinking of expanding it to include a model agency. The plans are there. I was talking with a friend of mine who's an architect and he'll be working on that soon enough. I think it's a very good idea.

Ashley Vasser (yeah, you all know her I'm sure) asked me to be in one of her videos.

"Huh? You're kidding me!" I gasped. I was both excited and honored!

"Lucille..." she smirked "Couldn't think of anyone better to fill in the part for fragile porcelain doll who's about to break but's waiting for a prince to save her."

I frowned. That was mean, but she did have a point. Who cared!? I was going to be in an Overdose video! Fantastic! :) I totally agreed.

And today was a good day. Caroline was supposed to present her thesis, but it got moved to next week. She was so relieved she fainted. I had been invited to some coffee to celebrate the happy news. It was nice to be back in Canada for the day.

"I SWEAR, I was going to CRY out of sheer happiness!" Carol laughed.

"I heard something about there being a possibility of it getting published?" I asked

"YESSSSSS!! That makes me HAPPY as FUCK!"

"Caroline was so nervous she was literally shaking ALL night. She was begging me to give her something to soothe her down. Geez, I'd never seen someone become such a wreck for such a little thing." My cousin Leo sat next to her and brushed his wife's hair.

"LITTLE? You call a DOCTORAL thesis LITTLE? This is the biggest thing that will ever happen to me!"

Eric laughed "Not to mention, it raises her paycheck a good 40%"

"EXACTLY! Not the same to have a PHD than just a JD!"

"PHD, JD, PD, LD = Pretty Huge Dick, Junior Dick, petite dick, little dick, all sounds the same to me." Ash smirked

"That's great coming from you, Mrs 'I'm a total musician with my Berklee degrees'." Carol stuck her tongue at her. They were cousins.

"Well, I think it's pretty commendable." I intervened "Writing almost 400 pages of pure shit is quite a task!"

Everyone laughed, except Carol "HA-HA-HA!" but then she smiled happily.

Yes. This was one of THOSE days. When everyone is feeling slightly better and things seem to be cool and calm.

"Hey! I heard Mr. A-hole pulled a new one! He's suddenly in love with RORY? Isn't that hardcore?" Ash asked. "He actually broke up with Vero and I think he finally ended up breaking Marie's heart once more. What was left of it anyways." Ashley = Marie lover.

"Well!" Carol in defense of her best friend shushed her up "He's found true love. You should know how THAT feels like. I, for one, am happy for him. We all have to seek our own happiness, even though that sounds selfish, it's TRUE."

"True? I don't think Kyle understands what's going on inside his head, less alone inside his cold and wretched HEART!"

Carol stood up, eyes flaring. "That's MY BEST FRIEND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"MARIE'S MY FRIEND! You might want to justify being selfish, but that doesn't mean he aught to be stepping over people's feelings like that! And God, I can't believe it, I'm saying this in Vero's name too! HER SISTER? Her PERFECT, parents adore her sister? That's like LAME-O!"

"Who died and made YOU the saviour of the PEOPLE! What are you now? You evolved into the simian version of Jesus!?"

Green eyes ignited. "What did you call me?"

This was highly entertaining, but if we didn't want to get kicked out of the restaurant I had better stop them. Leo and Eric were trying to, but as it usually happens with men, they were useless. Quietly, but with brute strength I pulled them both down and took a sip of my tea. They stared at me.

"What?" I blinked. They couldn't believe I had interrupted their tirade. "Listen. Neither of you can fight their battles. You both want happiness for the people you each love. However, we have to create a balance. Fighting for a loved one, wanting to avenge a loved one sometimes might lead to more fighting. Fighting just leads to hate and then we won't get anywhere. Therefore, we must be supportful. It's the only thing we can do."

I saw Ash gawking at me. Carol blinked several times. They each took a gulp from their respective beverages.

Eric crossed his arms. "Being supportful, huh... sounds like a plan."

Leo was sitting next to me and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and whispered. "Nice going cousin, you have calmed the beasts." he winked at me.

"I think we all just want support and lots of love in the end. I'm glad they can defend someone like that. They care so much and they're not afraid to show it. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Express my feelings in that way."

"Well, you're not them. And believe me, I'm glad you aren't. Besides... you have a bigger challenge before you. Before you can love someone to such extremes, you have to appreciate yourself. But, being the way you are is not bad at all."

I looked at him, our similar blue eyes meeting. "You think so?"

"I know so." he smiled "I love you and believe in you. You are not alone, baby cousin."

I smiled happily. Among them all I felt really happy.

"AWWW, LUCY's BLUSHING SO CUTEEEELY!" Ash shouted

And we laughed some more. I had to return home soon enough, but I wish our time together wouldn't end.