I messed up

I messed up. Again.

I hurt feelings, apparently I've proved theories, I'm such an evil person and I feel terrible for it. I want to crawl inside my room and never go out. I don't understand people. I don't want the pain. I want to go into a place, dark enough where no one can find me, where no one can save me. So what if I believe in love? So what if I believe in the light at the end of the tunnel? I'm surrounded by stars, but they never reach me. I try to fight for something, but I just end up messing it up more and more. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to get rid of your feelings, or trample on them. I don't want to and if I ended up doing so, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I keep disappointing my friends, and in doing so I just disappoint myself. I refuse to believe that I can't remedy this, but I'm not strong. I don't have the faith that I will be forgiven.

God I feel so rotten I want to throw up. I look at Eric and he can be a bulldog and feel okay with it. Caroline's a bitch and she can walk away unscratched. Ashley will climb buildings. And I don't know what *I* can do. I can't deal with the fact that I cause pain. I can't deal with the fact that I've done wrong to someone else, especially when I was trying to help. I can't deal with that, because I meant for it to be okay.

Tonight I'm not going to the bloody party, I'm going to fucking kill myself.