I am moving to Lyon.
Exactly three days before Christmas.
It already feels like my insides are freezing and the whole world is moving a little bit slower. I never liked France much, except for Fashion in Paris. I will miss the Italians, Italian food, Italian way of thinking, Milan itself, my apartment, and even my ferret (I can't really take her with me, I'm taking a new job and I won't be able to attend to her like I did before).
I have to plan now what I'm going to take, how I'm going to take it, and I'm just out of it. I can't really put my thoughts in order. I can't really decide what's coming up next.
I am moving to Lyon.
Another start again. Another place, new people, new challenges. How many more times will I have to start over?
I'm moving to Lyon, goodbye home.
Little Kids Who Play With Fire Get Burned
Dear Darling Gossip Guy:
The following photos have been taken for you. I don't think you did me justice in the pictures you posted in your site. I AM a model/fashion designer after all. Let me clear things out, shall we?
I might be crazy:
And I might be locked down in a relationship:
But Boring?
Oh no Darling... BORING?
Never!
Got milk?
Tee-hee!
XOXO
Lucia ~
The following photos have been taken for you. I don't think you did me justice in the pictures you posted in your site. I AM a model/fashion designer after all. Let me clear things out, shall we?
I might be crazy:
And I might be locked down in a relationship:
But Boring?
Oh no Darling... BORING?
Never!
Got milk?
Tee-hee!
XOXO
Lucia ~
A little fall of rain
I'm the sex goddess.
I've read the books. I know the techniques. I have the practice.
I know how to make men beg; how to enslave them until they cannot think of anything else, but me.
Other than that, I'm a total mess when it comes to men. It's one thing controlling their "ahem", but it's a totally different matter knowing how they'll respond to things or what to say to them or... AH!
I love my boyfriend. And he said he loved me too. So far, so good. I had never reached this point in a relationship. As in NEVER.
Now I don't know what to do, but I feel messed up and insecure. I know. Just like me to be dumb. I finally have him. I finally have the person I love there next to me and he returns my feelings and that thought alone makes me feel so warm inside. But at the same time I'm so very afraid, as if this was just a dream and I will wake up at any given moment.
~sigh~
It's pointless. To think about something endlessly. I love him. I am totally in love with him. The way he smiles at me. The way he cups my face. The way he sleeps and eats. His personality. His laugh. The small things that make him him. When he touches me I melt and when he's not with me I feel void, empty. This is crazy, isn't it?
I feel like I want to be cuddled by him. He can make these fears go away.
He said today "let's get married". Has he gone insane? Does he knows what marriage implies? Is he willing to take on that? And just like that! Because it's the fashionable thing to do? Because everyone is doing it? This just gets me more worried. I feel a little sick right now.
What do I want? I want him. I want to wake up with him every morning and go to sleep with Ethan by my side. Even if we just met, I want him to be there, share together, I want to cook for him and pamper him, and when he gets sick I want to make it better. I want to be his companion, his friend, someone he can trust, someone he can come home too. It's so basic what I want. I want to start a new life with him. Marriage? It's scary, but of course I want it. But I want to be sure he wants it too.
That's it!
Proove you want me, Ethan! I'm the prize, come and claim me! Do everything you can to win the contest!
I'm so pissed now. (yeah rapid mood changes) --->
We haven't had sex in a week. To make matters worse, he won't even be here for my birthday. Now I'm sad :(
I'm such a drama queen. I want to hide inside the bed covers (and that's exactly what I will do). Buuu.
I've read the books. I know the techniques. I have the practice.
I know how to make men beg; how to enslave them until they cannot think of anything else, but me.
Other than that, I'm a total mess when it comes to men. It's one thing controlling their "ahem", but it's a totally different matter knowing how they'll respond to things or what to say to them or... AH!
I love my boyfriend. And he said he loved me too. So far, so good. I had never reached this point in a relationship. As in NEVER.
Now I don't know what to do, but I feel messed up and insecure. I know. Just like me to be dumb. I finally have him. I finally have the person I love there next to me and he returns my feelings and that thought alone makes me feel so warm inside. But at the same time I'm so very afraid, as if this was just a dream and I will wake up at any given moment.
~sigh~
It's pointless. To think about something endlessly. I love him. I am totally in love with him. The way he smiles at me. The way he cups my face. The way he sleeps and eats. His personality. His laugh. The small things that make him him. When he touches me I melt and when he's not with me I feel void, empty. This is crazy, isn't it?
I feel like I want to be cuddled by him. He can make these fears go away.
He said today "let's get married". Has he gone insane? Does he knows what marriage implies? Is he willing to take on that? And just like that! Because it's the fashionable thing to do? Because everyone is doing it? This just gets me more worried. I feel a little sick right now.
What do I want? I want him. I want to wake up with him every morning and go to sleep with Ethan by my side. Even if we just met, I want him to be there, share together, I want to cook for him and pamper him, and when he gets sick I want to make it better. I want to be his companion, his friend, someone he can trust, someone he can come home too. It's so basic what I want. I want to start a new life with him. Marriage? It's scary, but of course I want it. But I want to be sure he wants it too.
That's it!
Proove you want me, Ethan! I'm the prize, come and claim me! Do everything you can to win the contest!
I'm so pissed now. (yeah rapid mood changes) --->
We haven't had sex in a week. To make matters worse, he won't even be here for my birthday. Now I'm sad :(
I'm such a drama queen. I want to hide inside the bed covers (and that's exactly what I will do). Buuu.
Not Nice Lady
The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was go into my computer lab (aka the one room where I become a cloned female version [with human interaction skills] of Sheldon Cooper). It's a room I originally designed to be my secret virtual office/playground, my to do hacker/cracker work. I hadn't used it in a while because I had been very busy with designing and baking. I had promised myself that the next time I did something illegal, it would be fair game, in my legitimate defense.
I sat down, took off my contacts, and grabbed my extra chic glasses from inside the drawer. I had entered the room with the biggest bag of Potatoe Chips that you can imagine, a large coke bottle, wearing skimpy little caramel colored short and a sexy tank top.
I laughed to myself a little as I sat in front of the three computer screens now surrounding me. As I turned on the server, the whole room lit up and I felt a little nostalgic.
By 4:00 pm I had personally talked to Johnathan and had given him some friendly advice about not to mess with me or all the data he had ever recollected would be erased in a matter of seconds. I did wipe out a bunch of documents and "negotiated with him".
"If you want to see them again, stay away from me for a while..." I told him, and his face was an eerie mix of anger and despair. It was the kind of look I'd seen before when you told a grown man that his vast inheritance had disappeared in a matter of seconds. I cleaned my nails as I spoke with him through video conference. Yeah, I know. KLASSY. "Let me explain a bit of how this goes, Johnathan. Physically, you might have the upper hand, but intellectually, you've stepped into my world. I don't take it kindly to be threathend and let alone shot." I raised my view and smiled at him. "Now the moment of the truth, so you get some insight."
He didn't say a word, just stared at me.
"I have no doubt whatsoever that someone will one day replace me, probably in about two hundred years or so when inferior brain such as yours evolve into a respectful IQ. Meanwhile, I remain the sole creator of a perfected AI software. Ironic much, I created the software, not because I got lucky, Johnathan, but because I was so desperate for a friend at the Institute, that well... it came out of necessity." I smiled. "Thankfully, I don't know where the software is. It has brought me much more trouble than any benefit. Rest assured that I would have destroyed it had it ever come back into my hands. So... as you can see, your little alpha male demonstration was just a big waste of time. I might be a lot of the things you said I am... but... the difference this time..." I looked at him "... is that I don't care."
I saw him clench his jaw, then he smirked slightly. "Some of the Royal family's private information is inside the documents you currently possess. I'm sure you wouldn't want to hurt Richard."
"You give your brother a valid explanation why the information is gone." I glared at him. "Stay away for 365 days Johnny Boy. If you even ATTEMPT to get close again, I will destroy the data. And you know that unlike with human lives I have no guilt whatsoever when it comes to wipe outs. Bye bye, Johnathan."
I ended the video conference before he even had time to reply.
Taking my time, I cleaned the room, turned off all the equipment, and returned to my living room. I started yet another video conference, but this time from the TV and with my dear brother.
"Lucilleeeeee!" He exclaimed happily.
"Ericcccc!" I laughed.
Suddenly, he frowned. It took him less than two seconds to figure it out and took me three seconds to realize how stupid I had been to appear wearing a tank top in front of Eric.
"What happened to your arm?"
Well, aside from being shot, it was fine. The bullet just grazed after all... This giant band aid is just a la mode. "Well, it's a long story..."
"OH, I have PLENTY of time, Lucille Marie."
I rolled my eyes. Soon enough I was telling him how I had gone to practice at the shooting range and an idiot had accidentally shot the gun outside practice area and it had just luckily grazed my shoulder. For a second I thought he wouldn't buy it, but alas he did. He complained about little security and such, but a moment later he was talking about random things.
As good brother should, we spoke daily and shared everything that had happened. Well, the things that we could share that had happened.
"Say, Lucy... I'm planning on making a Delton reunion Saturday. Will you come?"
I laughed. "We Deltons are a clan. If you, our leader, summons us, how can we resist?"
"Well, we'll all be there. I've already spoken to most of the members and they all agreed. Even Leonardo is going. This is important. Our family's prosperity and happiness and stability is essential." He looked serious. He was extra handsome when he was serious. I was so proud of my baby brother.
"I'll be there." I whispered, smiling at him fondly.
"Not only that." he winked at me "I want you to share the seat next to me. As the leader's sister you uphold a position of great power among us all."
"HAHAHAHA! I'll be honored." I took out my tongue, teasingly "I live to serve and love my family." It was a slogan grandmother had continously repeated to all of us.
Eric laughed loudly, and winked at me. "ODD. I LIVE TO MAKE MONEY."
Our conversation instantly brightened my day.
I sat down, took off my contacts, and grabbed my extra chic glasses from inside the drawer. I had entered the room with the biggest bag of Potatoe Chips that you can imagine, a large coke bottle, wearing skimpy little caramel colored short and a sexy tank top.
I laughed to myself a little as I sat in front of the three computer screens now surrounding me. As I turned on the server, the whole room lit up and I felt a little nostalgic.
By 4:00 pm I had personally talked to Johnathan and had given him some friendly advice about not to mess with me or all the data he had ever recollected would be erased in a matter of seconds. I did wipe out a bunch of documents and "negotiated with him".
"If you want to see them again, stay away from me for a while..." I told him, and his face was an eerie mix of anger and despair. It was the kind of look I'd seen before when you told a grown man that his vast inheritance had disappeared in a matter of seconds. I cleaned my nails as I spoke with him through video conference. Yeah, I know. KLASSY. "Let me explain a bit of how this goes, Johnathan. Physically, you might have the upper hand, but intellectually, you've stepped into my world. I don't take it kindly to be threathend and let alone shot." I raised my view and smiled at him. "Now the moment of the truth, so you get some insight."
He didn't say a word, just stared at me.
"I have no doubt whatsoever that someone will one day replace me, probably in about two hundred years or so when inferior brain such as yours evolve into a respectful IQ. Meanwhile, I remain the sole creator of a perfected AI software. Ironic much, I created the software, not because I got lucky, Johnathan, but because I was so desperate for a friend at the Institute, that well... it came out of necessity." I smiled. "Thankfully, I don't know where the software is. It has brought me much more trouble than any benefit. Rest assured that I would have destroyed it had it ever come back into my hands. So... as you can see, your little alpha male demonstration was just a big waste of time. I might be a lot of the things you said I am... but... the difference this time..." I looked at him "... is that I don't care."
I saw him clench his jaw, then he smirked slightly. "Some of the Royal family's private information is inside the documents you currently possess. I'm sure you wouldn't want to hurt Richard."
"You give your brother a valid explanation why the information is gone." I glared at him. "Stay away for 365 days Johnny Boy. If you even ATTEMPT to get close again, I will destroy the data. And you know that unlike with human lives I have no guilt whatsoever when it comes to wipe outs. Bye bye, Johnathan."
I ended the video conference before he even had time to reply.
Taking my time, I cleaned the room, turned off all the equipment, and returned to my living room. I started yet another video conference, but this time from the TV and with my dear brother.
"Lucilleeeeee!" He exclaimed happily.
"Ericcccc!" I laughed.
Suddenly, he frowned. It took him less than two seconds to figure it out and took me three seconds to realize how stupid I had been to appear wearing a tank top in front of Eric.
"What happened to your arm?"
Well, aside from being shot, it was fine. The bullet just grazed after all... This giant band aid is just a la mode. "Well, it's a long story..."
"OH, I have PLENTY of time, Lucille Marie."
I rolled my eyes. Soon enough I was telling him how I had gone to practice at the shooting range and an idiot had accidentally shot the gun outside practice area and it had just luckily grazed my shoulder. For a second I thought he wouldn't buy it, but alas he did. He complained about little security and such, but a moment later he was talking about random things.
As good brother should, we spoke daily and shared everything that had happened. Well, the things that we could share that had happened.
"Say, Lucy... I'm planning on making a Delton reunion Saturday. Will you come?"
I laughed. "We Deltons are a clan. If you, our leader, summons us, how can we resist?"
"Well, we'll all be there. I've already spoken to most of the members and they all agreed. Even Leonardo is going. This is important. Our family's prosperity and happiness and stability is essential." He looked serious. He was extra handsome when he was serious. I was so proud of my baby brother.
"I'll be there." I whispered, smiling at him fondly.
"Not only that." he winked at me "I want you to share the seat next to me. As the leader's sister you uphold a position of great power among us all."
"HAHAHAHA! I'll be honored." I took out my tongue, teasingly "I live to serve and love my family." It was a slogan grandmother had continously repeated to all of us.
Eric laughed loudly, and winked at me. "ODD. I LIVE TO MAKE MONEY."
Our conversation instantly brightened my day.
Beat them to the Punch
I spent the entire day cooking. Hopefully I would make a delicious cake that would make Marie happy. Halfway through the day I was covered in marshmellow and chocolate. I felt delicious and smelled like if I'd been stuck inside a bakery for a whole week. Sweets were never my favorite, but being surrounded by sugar made me feel strangely giddy.
Until I heard the knock.
I shrugged. The thing about my apartment building is that the lobby guy won't let anyone he doesn't know go up to my floor. Security is the finest and I'd trusted him a long time ago with plenty of information, so we were close. He still wouldn't stand up to help me with my groceries, but it can't all be perfect.
"Hello?" I opened the door.
Never. opening. the. door. without. asking. again.
"Good evening, Lucille Marie."
Okay. So it had been a fair amount of four weeks since my chest had constricted and I felt my heart being tugged violently. I thought I was over the worst kind of trials. I mean, I was heartbroken, but I had slowly picked up part of the pieces. I was still picking... but I wasn't about to go back into a depression of any sort. I was in control of my head.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I whispered. I was not in control of my temper.
His blue eyes trailed my body from down and up. He brushed his dyed dark hair back and casually let his bangs fall upon his forehead. He was smoking, like he usually did, and he stared at me as though he were a king looking down on a subject. He would've been king had he been born two minutes earlier.
"That's the kind of welcome I get?"
"The kind of welcome you DESERVE is a stake through your heart, if you have one, Johnathan."
John chuckled. "Oh Lucille... mind if I come in?"
I slammed my hand against the door. "You're not allowed in."
He smiled, flashing white teeth. Deliberately he pushed and slammed me against the door and went in.
I bit my lips, looking at him. If John knew how to be something, it was to be exceedingly cruel.
"I don't take no for an answer, Lucille. I thought you would know that."
He had that look in his eyes: the look when you know he is capable of anything. John was Richard's spymaster, working inside the Interpol until some months ago when he conveniently switched back to his brother's side and had been playing several strings behind the curtains. I had seen him at his kindest time, but I had seen him at his worst time. Compared to Richard, John was pure evil. He had been capable of almost raping Veronique for the hell of it. He could treat his brother miserably one second, yet the other be by his side. He was capable of amusing and entertaining people, but he was also capable of killing, torturing, lying, and cheating. Ever since he had left the Interpol I had only heard the rumors of just how depraved he'd become. Nonetheless, Richard was keeping him extra close. Apparently he was doing his espionage job very well.
"I heard today's Marie Bellay's birthday. Is it a cooking contest?"
Better be cooperative in order to find out what he wants. "It's a cake-a-thon. Everybody's supposed to take a cake."
"Comic." he whispered.
God. Get out of here. "Johnathan... what do you want?" My nearest gun is under the living room table. If I dash, I'll reach it in no time.
"What else do I want?" As if reading my mind he walked towards the living room table, took the gun from under its hiding place and disarmed it. "I want to talk with you for a little while."
And to think that I would've ended up with this guy. And I would've, because he was kind to me and he cared for me, and loved me. That love soon turned into hate when I chose yet another man before him. He walked away cursing my soul and wishing I would burn in hell. Hell hath no fury as a Wilbatten Royal scorned, huh?
I stood up, my bravado pushing me forward. "I can't talk now. I'm baking cake."
He scoffed and walked right up to me. "Lucille..." He brushed a strand of my hair away from my face and behind my ear. It gave me goosebumps. He slammed his fist next to my ear, missing it by inches. "You think I care about your stupid cake?"
I was paralyzed. This guy was scary. He was terrifying. Kick him on the balls, Lucille, kick him. But I couldn't because he had me trapped.
"How's my little whore doing?" he whispered merrily.
"Doing great. Can't you tell?" I whispered back. "What... do... you... want?" I glared.
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Terrified. Don't you see?" I met his gaze with my own and showed him that if he thought he would push ME around, he was dead wrong.
The next instant I had spat in his face, taken advantage of his momentary surprise to kick him hard in the groin, pushed him, dashed for the kitchen table and had my 9mm in my hand directed at him.
He laughed. "Not bad, Lucille. Not bad." he stood up.
"Not one step closer, Johnathan. I could cause the greatest of scandals for this one."
"But you won't. We have to protect each other's backs in the kind of circle we move in. Well, at least that I move in and you used to move in." He took out another cigarette. "Lucille." he looked at me "I hope you know you're shit. You're not worth anybody's time. You got lucky with one software and you're holding to that with everything you've got. But, you're replaceable, honey. You're disposable. You've been a trainwreck your whole life and now you're creating your own make believe life. You're a fucked up horrible person."
Motherfucking asshole. My hand slightly trembled. None of those words would get to me. None of them.
"I heard you got yourself a new boytoy. How long will this one last? What's the record in your book so far? Three months? Probably's with you because of your body. It's certainly not because of your personality since you have none."
"You're bitter and full of hatred and you should leave before I really deem to shoot you, which at this point would be the smartest thing to do."
"You know you're worst problem?" He walked towards me and placed the gun against his heart. "How very worthless you are."
DAMN IT! He grabbed the gun, turned it around, pushed me once again, this time towards the floor and pointed the gun down at me.
"Where is the software?"
"I don't know." I answered, glaring.
He charged the gun. "Where is the software?"
"I don't know."
He laughed "Are you really going to tell me you don't know where your own chip is? Your precious masterpiece? The one thing that you can pride yourself on? You don't know?"
I shrugged. "You can inject truth serum into me. The answer, I swear, will always be the same. I, Lucille Delton, don't know where it is."
He nodded and looked at his watch. "You do realize I won't rest until I have the hands on that chip?"
"Why would you want it?"
"In a political world the strongest country has the power."
"Why now? What makes you think *I* have it? It was taken from me in the institute. I don't have such a thing."
"Rumors fly fast, and the rumors are it never left its creator's hand."
"I DON'T have it." I growled at him. "It was too dangerous for me to keep. They took it away years ago. I don't know its whereabouts now."
"Hm. Right." He glared down at me. "You're not as easily intimidated as I hoped you would be. I guess, I have no choice right now. You obviously want to get back into your fun little cooking joke. I have matters to attend to anyways." He pointed the gun towards my arm and shot. The bullet grazed my skin and I yelped in pain. "That's for spitting, your dirty slut." he laughed, threw the gun and left just as rapidly as he had appeared.
My heart beat fast inside my chest. No time to think of what happened. No time to think at all. I ran towards the bathroom, covering the bleeding wound. Don't look at the blood, try not looking, you're terrified of blood. No fainting, Lucille, no fainting. I quickly applied alcohol and did the first aid procedure on the wound. Luckily, nothing serious. No bullet into skin, just graze, just a superficial wound. When I was done, I slid down onto the bathroom floor.
When had I stopped carrying around any type of protection? Was I forgetting that being an ex-interpol implied a lot of people around trying to use me as target practice? Maybe it was because it had been John who had done it that I had been so undecided. I stood up, left the bathroom and walked toward the living room. I opened a small hidden compartment behind the window and pushed the button there. Immediately a tiny screen appeared as a part of the wall turned inside out. I pushed my hand into it. The words "increased security" started flashing on it. I heard doors and windows lock. I saw various computer screens appear as video cams. Suddenly my feng shui apartment was becoming a completely technologically equipped spy room.
"So much for peace and quite..." I murmured. I had to be ready for anyone and everyone.
While I walked towards the kitchen I heard every one of John's words inside of my head. Nonetheless, I wasn't perturbed, I wasn't depressed, I wasn't even angered. I was numb. I sighed and made it my purpose to make the best cake I could. Even if the day had been shit, the night was sure to be better.
I hoped.
Until I heard the knock.
I shrugged. The thing about my apartment building is that the lobby guy won't let anyone he doesn't know go up to my floor. Security is the finest and I'd trusted him a long time ago with plenty of information, so we were close. He still wouldn't stand up to help me with my groceries, but it can't all be perfect.
"Hello?" I opened the door.
Never. opening. the. door. without. asking. again.
"Good evening, Lucille Marie."
Okay. So it had been a fair amount of four weeks since my chest had constricted and I felt my heart being tugged violently. I thought I was over the worst kind of trials. I mean, I was heartbroken, but I had slowly picked up part of the pieces. I was still picking... but I wasn't about to go back into a depression of any sort. I was in control of my head.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I whispered. I was not in control of my temper.
His blue eyes trailed my body from down and up. He brushed his dyed dark hair back and casually let his bangs fall upon his forehead. He was smoking, like he usually did, and he stared at me as though he were a king looking down on a subject. He would've been king had he been born two minutes earlier.
"That's the kind of welcome I get?"
"The kind of welcome you DESERVE is a stake through your heart, if you have one, Johnathan."
John chuckled. "Oh Lucille... mind if I come in?"
I slammed my hand against the door. "You're not allowed in."
He smiled, flashing white teeth. Deliberately he pushed and slammed me against the door and went in.
I bit my lips, looking at him. If John knew how to be something, it was to be exceedingly cruel.
"I don't take no for an answer, Lucille. I thought you would know that."
He had that look in his eyes: the look when you know he is capable of anything. John was Richard's spymaster, working inside the Interpol until some months ago when he conveniently switched back to his brother's side and had been playing several strings behind the curtains. I had seen him at his kindest time, but I had seen him at his worst time. Compared to Richard, John was pure evil. He had been capable of almost raping Veronique for the hell of it. He could treat his brother miserably one second, yet the other be by his side. He was capable of amusing and entertaining people, but he was also capable of killing, torturing, lying, and cheating. Ever since he had left the Interpol I had only heard the rumors of just how depraved he'd become. Nonetheless, Richard was keeping him extra close. Apparently he was doing his espionage job very well.
"I heard today's Marie Bellay's birthday. Is it a cooking contest?"
Better be cooperative in order to find out what he wants. "It's a cake-a-thon. Everybody's supposed to take a cake."
"Comic." he whispered.
God. Get out of here. "Johnathan... what do you want?" My nearest gun is under the living room table. If I dash, I'll reach it in no time.
"What else do I want?" As if reading my mind he walked towards the living room table, took the gun from under its hiding place and disarmed it. "I want to talk with you for a little while."
And to think that I would've ended up with this guy. And I would've, because he was kind to me and he cared for me, and loved me. That love soon turned into hate when I chose yet another man before him. He walked away cursing my soul and wishing I would burn in hell. Hell hath no fury as a Wilbatten Royal scorned, huh?
I stood up, my bravado pushing me forward. "I can't talk now. I'm baking cake."
He scoffed and walked right up to me. "Lucille..." He brushed a strand of my hair away from my face and behind my ear. It gave me goosebumps. He slammed his fist next to my ear, missing it by inches. "You think I care about your stupid cake?"
I was paralyzed. This guy was scary. He was terrifying. Kick him on the balls, Lucille, kick him. But I couldn't because he had me trapped.
"How's my little whore doing?" he whispered merrily.
"Doing great. Can't you tell?" I whispered back. "What... do... you... want?" I glared.
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Terrified. Don't you see?" I met his gaze with my own and showed him that if he thought he would push ME around, he was dead wrong.
The next instant I had spat in his face, taken advantage of his momentary surprise to kick him hard in the groin, pushed him, dashed for the kitchen table and had my 9mm in my hand directed at him.
He laughed. "Not bad, Lucille. Not bad." he stood up.
"Not one step closer, Johnathan. I could cause the greatest of scandals for this one."
"But you won't. We have to protect each other's backs in the kind of circle we move in. Well, at least that I move in and you used to move in." He took out another cigarette. "Lucille." he looked at me "I hope you know you're shit. You're not worth anybody's time. You got lucky with one software and you're holding to that with everything you've got. But, you're replaceable, honey. You're disposable. You've been a trainwreck your whole life and now you're creating your own make believe life. You're a fucked up horrible person."
Motherfucking asshole. My hand slightly trembled. None of those words would get to me. None of them.
"I heard you got yourself a new boytoy. How long will this one last? What's the record in your book so far? Three months? Probably's with you because of your body. It's certainly not because of your personality since you have none."
"You're bitter and full of hatred and you should leave before I really deem to shoot you, which at this point would be the smartest thing to do."
"You know you're worst problem?" He walked towards me and placed the gun against his heart. "How very worthless you are."
DAMN IT! He grabbed the gun, turned it around, pushed me once again, this time towards the floor and pointed the gun down at me.
"Where is the software?"
"I don't know." I answered, glaring.
He charged the gun. "Where is the software?"
"I don't know."
He laughed "Are you really going to tell me you don't know where your own chip is? Your precious masterpiece? The one thing that you can pride yourself on? You don't know?"
I shrugged. "You can inject truth serum into me. The answer, I swear, will always be the same. I, Lucille Delton, don't know where it is."
He nodded and looked at his watch. "You do realize I won't rest until I have the hands on that chip?"
"Why would you want it?"
"In a political world the strongest country has the power."
"Why now? What makes you think *I* have it? It was taken from me in the institute. I don't have such a thing."
"Rumors fly fast, and the rumors are it never left its creator's hand."
"I DON'T have it." I growled at him. "It was too dangerous for me to keep. They took it away years ago. I don't know its whereabouts now."
"Hm. Right." He glared down at me. "You're not as easily intimidated as I hoped you would be. I guess, I have no choice right now. You obviously want to get back into your fun little cooking joke. I have matters to attend to anyways." He pointed the gun towards my arm and shot. The bullet grazed my skin and I yelped in pain. "That's for spitting, your dirty slut." he laughed, threw the gun and left just as rapidly as he had appeared.
My heart beat fast inside my chest. No time to think of what happened. No time to think at all. I ran towards the bathroom, covering the bleeding wound. Don't look at the blood, try not looking, you're terrified of blood. No fainting, Lucille, no fainting. I quickly applied alcohol and did the first aid procedure on the wound. Luckily, nothing serious. No bullet into skin, just graze, just a superficial wound. When I was done, I slid down onto the bathroom floor.
When had I stopped carrying around any type of protection? Was I forgetting that being an ex-interpol implied a lot of people around trying to use me as target practice? Maybe it was because it had been John who had done it that I had been so undecided. I stood up, left the bathroom and walked toward the living room. I opened a small hidden compartment behind the window and pushed the button there. Immediately a tiny screen appeared as a part of the wall turned inside out. I pushed my hand into it. The words "increased security" started flashing on it. I heard doors and windows lock. I saw various computer screens appear as video cams. Suddenly my feng shui apartment was becoming a completely technologically equipped spy room.
"So much for peace and quite..." I murmured. I had to be ready for anyone and everyone.
While I walked towards the kitchen I heard every one of John's words inside of my head. Nonetheless, I wasn't perturbed, I wasn't depressed, I wasn't even angered. I was numb. I sighed and made it my purpose to make the best cake I could. Even if the day had been shit, the night was sure to be better.
I hoped.
So you honestly think you can do it?
I saw her break the column of bricks with just her hand and it genuinely made me wonder what was I thinking when I challenged her.
"I still don't get what exactly you're doing here." she turned towards me. She was sweaty and wearing a pony tail and dressed in her karate uniform, black belt and all.
"I thought you could give me a lesson. I mean, I know some basic fighting skills due to the INTERPOL training, but it would be nice to get some karate training too. I thought it would be interesting."
Caroline gave me a solemn look. It was at these moments were the ever so fashionable "poodle" looked the least like her self and I was sure her true nature came out. Carol was always dressed almost as impeccable as me (not LIKE me, I'm still the best dressed; I'm the fashion connaisseur). Now she looked like a plain tomboy. Even her C cup breasts were concealed behind the uniform.
"Karate isn't something you just want to learn, you know?"
"I know. It's a long time discipline. I just want some basic lessons. Everyone has the right to self-protection, no?"
She stared at me. "You're talking to me about RIGHTS and KARATE, the two things I know about the best." she shrugged "I guess I don't have a partner today and you'll have to do."
I nodded. "Alright."
She grabbed a set of nunchucks.
"You're USING NUNCHUCKS on ME!?"
"Obviously not, unlesss I wanted to kill you. I'm going to swing them around as I explain some basics points to you." She cleared her throat. "You have various things to your advantage. You already have basic combat skills, you're an archery champ, which allows you to find your certain, BUT, you don't know what your strength is."
"Yes... I'm continously being told that." I said, every word dripping with sarcasm.
Caroline laughed. "Well, not in THAT sense. I meant... in karate you must know two FUNDAMENTAL things... what is your enemies weakness and second, what is your strength. IF you can exploit them using the correct technique, you'll be fine. So..." she swung the nunchucks. "Come get me..."
I blinked, then immediately rushed towards her and kicked, jumped, evaded, punched, moved, did everything I could to hit her, but she blocked every one of my attacks with the bloody nunchaku.
"OWWWWWW!!" my hands and legs soared.
"You have good technique, but I can see you coming. I can read your movements like a book. You did not study my weakness. Now, take a minute and think about what just happened."
It didn't take me too long to realize that as she blocked with the nunchaku she was left partially open on the side that wasn't blocking. If I was fast enough I could at least beat her to it....
It took me about two hours to finally get what she meant and manage to hit her. Her technique was very different to mine. While I moved in straight and individual movements, she was able to perform an incredible amount of combos. I was stunned. At the end, she took a bottle of water and sprayed it over herself.
"That was some great exercise."
"You're incredibly good at it." I stared at her. I knew she was a champion, but I guess you never really relate the ever spotless and feminine Caroline Richardson with karate.
"I'm good at many things, Lucille Marie. You'd be surprised." She sat next to me.
"Is it true you dumped Leo in order to go for the tweetie title?"
"Technically yes!" she laughed
"God... are you really that competitive?" I asked, very much amazed "That you would give up your relationship in order to win the race? Isn't that rather... unscrupulous of you?"
She reclined against the floor, placing her arms behind her head. "I will always love Leo, and he will love me. But I know he's had something for Katzereine for a time now. I rather we not be in a relationship when anything happens. I'll give it to you, I don't like the idea, but you should allow a person every bit of liberties before tying him down."
I smiled down at her. "You really adore Leonardo, don't you?"
"With my whole heart and soul, until death due us part and eternity ends. I adore him. If I have to kill or lie for him... I'll do it. And if anyone gets in our way, I will destroy them. Destroy them like God they had wished they had never been born or imagined. He is mine and he forever will be."
My eyes widened. "For a second there, you had the same maniac look as Ashley..." I laughed.
"Well, we ARE cousins. And she feels the same way about Rink."
"Does Leo feel the same way?"
She smiled, and it was a knowing, age old smile. "Yes, he does."
And as if having being called he appeared before us; he was wearing a slight frown. "You're wet." He told Carol.
"It's the effect of suddenly seeing you." she smirked offering her his arm so as to help her up.
His frown instantly disappeared and was replaced with a sly smile. He took his hand and helped her up. "You know what I meant, Caroline." He held her close to him and they smiled at each other.
"Wait!" I stared at them "I thought you two had broken up?"
"So?" We're still living together and having incredible sex as always. No compromise." Carol smiled
"You two are... incredible..." I shook my head, slightly smiling.
"Of course we are..." Leo smirked "... it's us." and Caroline stared aghast as he had stolen, intentionally, the words out of her mouth.
---
After all that mushy mushy love and karate practice I felt soar and drained. It was exhausting to say the least.
I arrived home, fed Lilo and Nemo and then threw myself on the sofa. I had 19 messages: 3 were from Sammy, 2 from Eric, 2 from Chrissy, 1 very strange and surprising message from Ashley, 4 were from models from the studio, and the rest were requests orders for upcoming events.
I decided to return Ashley's. As one could've imagined it was all about how they need an urgent wardrobe and if I could do it. I accepted and hung up.
Next, I phoned Eric.
"Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... how's my beautiful and extra gorgeous big sis doing?"
"I'm good, but jeez, you can't imagine what I was up to..." I told him all about my day.
"You being as smart as you are, did you think it was smart going up against Carol inside her own territory?" he laughed.
His laughter was contagious. "Yeah. That was pretty stupid, but it was very very entertaining. I can't deny I had tons of fun!"
"Luce, you have fun placing with sticks and stones."
I flushed slightly. "Well... maybe I do..."
He laughed even more. "That doesn't make it wrong. You're just too cute, sis. Did you know that? I can't imagine just how entertained you get with Lilo when you let her out."
He was blatantly laughing at me. I crossed my arms. "Ha-Ha-Ha. Hey, you spoiled little brat... I have something to ask you."
"What?" and it sounded like he had been laughing so much he had tears in his eyes.
"Do you think I'm a hypocrite?"
"Hell no! Why would you say something like that?"
"Well, two people have said it to me already and well, I don't think so, but i'm not going to be attacking myself either, you know? You're always too honest with how you think."
"Lucille, I AM honest, and even though I love you crazily, I'd be honest with you. You're not a hypocrite, and if someone's calling you that maybe it's out of jealousy. You know how smart and sexy you are? Well, if they can't compete with you they'll try to hurt you. Don't mind them. People are supposed to love people they way they are. If they can't accept you, fuck them good."
"You're assuming these people were women... what if I told you they were men?"
"A real man wouldn't call a woman A HYPOCRITE and if he did, show 'em to me, cause I'll kick their ass until they're yelling for their mommy."
I laughed. "You do know how to make me feel better."
"But I will tell you this. You can't expect everyone to like you. You might be willing to make an effort and meet halfway with the people you meet, but others might not be wanting to do that effort. It's not bad that you like people and that you want to get along with them, but not everyone agrees to that. Inevitably, people will not like you. You shouldn't be discouraged by this. All the contrary, stand on your two feet proudly. You're a Delton!"
I smiled into the phone. "And I'm very proud to be one."
"So don't change. I love you, sis."
"I love you too, bro."
"Good. So... would you like some pasta for dinner? I'm thinking of taking your baby out for a ride and we might just go visit you at Milan."
"It sounds like a wonderful idea. I'll get dressed."
"I still don't get what exactly you're doing here." she turned towards me. She was sweaty and wearing a pony tail and dressed in her karate uniform, black belt and all.
"I thought you could give me a lesson. I mean, I know some basic fighting skills due to the INTERPOL training, but it would be nice to get some karate training too. I thought it would be interesting."
Caroline gave me a solemn look. It was at these moments were the ever so fashionable "poodle" looked the least like her self and I was sure her true nature came out. Carol was always dressed almost as impeccable as me (not LIKE me, I'm still the best dressed; I'm the fashion connaisseur). Now she looked like a plain tomboy. Even her C cup breasts were concealed behind the uniform.
"Karate isn't something you just want to learn, you know?"
"I know. It's a long time discipline. I just want some basic lessons. Everyone has the right to self-protection, no?"
She stared at me. "You're talking to me about RIGHTS and KARATE, the two things I know about the best." she shrugged "I guess I don't have a partner today and you'll have to do."
I nodded. "Alright."
She grabbed a set of nunchucks.
"You're USING NUNCHUCKS on ME!?"
"Obviously not, unlesss I wanted to kill you. I'm going to swing them around as I explain some basics points to you." She cleared her throat. "You have various things to your advantage. You already have basic combat skills, you're an archery champ, which allows you to find your certain, BUT, you don't know what your strength is."
"Yes... I'm continously being told that." I said, every word dripping with sarcasm.
Caroline laughed. "Well, not in THAT sense. I meant... in karate you must know two FUNDAMENTAL things... what is your enemies weakness and second, what is your strength. IF you can exploit them using the correct technique, you'll be fine. So..." she swung the nunchucks. "Come get me..."
I blinked, then immediately rushed towards her and kicked, jumped, evaded, punched, moved, did everything I could to hit her, but she blocked every one of my attacks with the bloody nunchaku.
"OWWWWWW!!" my hands and legs soared.
"You have good technique, but I can see you coming. I can read your movements like a book. You did not study my weakness. Now, take a minute and think about what just happened."
It didn't take me too long to realize that as she blocked with the nunchaku she was left partially open on the side that wasn't blocking. If I was fast enough I could at least beat her to it....
It took me about two hours to finally get what she meant and manage to hit her. Her technique was very different to mine. While I moved in straight and individual movements, she was able to perform an incredible amount of combos. I was stunned. At the end, she took a bottle of water and sprayed it over herself.
"That was some great exercise."
"You're incredibly good at it." I stared at her. I knew she was a champion, but I guess you never really relate the ever spotless and feminine Caroline Richardson with karate.
"I'm good at many things, Lucille Marie. You'd be surprised." She sat next to me.
"Is it true you dumped Leo in order to go for the tweetie title?"
"Technically yes!" she laughed
"God... are you really that competitive?" I asked, very much amazed "That you would give up your relationship in order to win the race? Isn't that rather... unscrupulous of you?"
She reclined against the floor, placing her arms behind her head. "I will always love Leo, and he will love me. But I know he's had something for Katzereine for a time now. I rather we not be in a relationship when anything happens. I'll give it to you, I don't like the idea, but you should allow a person every bit of liberties before tying him down."
I smiled down at her. "You really adore Leonardo, don't you?"
"With my whole heart and soul, until death due us part and eternity ends. I adore him. If I have to kill or lie for him... I'll do it. And if anyone gets in our way, I will destroy them. Destroy them like God they had wished they had never been born or imagined. He is mine and he forever will be."
My eyes widened. "For a second there, you had the same maniac look as Ashley..." I laughed.
"Well, we ARE cousins. And she feels the same way about Rink."
"Does Leo feel the same way?"
She smiled, and it was a knowing, age old smile. "Yes, he does."
And as if having being called he appeared before us; he was wearing a slight frown. "You're wet." He told Carol.
"It's the effect of suddenly seeing you." she smirked offering her his arm so as to help her up.
His frown instantly disappeared and was replaced with a sly smile. He took his hand and helped her up. "You know what I meant, Caroline." He held her close to him and they smiled at each other.
"Wait!" I stared at them "I thought you two had broken up?"
"So?" We're still living together and having incredible sex as always. No compromise." Carol smiled
"You two are... incredible..." I shook my head, slightly smiling.
"Of course we are..." Leo smirked "... it's us." and Caroline stared aghast as he had stolen, intentionally, the words out of her mouth.
---
After all that mushy mushy love and karate practice I felt soar and drained. It was exhausting to say the least.
I arrived home, fed Lilo and Nemo and then threw myself on the sofa. I had 19 messages: 3 were from Sammy, 2 from Eric, 2 from Chrissy, 1 very strange and surprising message from Ashley, 4 were from models from the studio, and the rest were requests orders for upcoming events.
I decided to return Ashley's. As one could've imagined it was all about how they need an urgent wardrobe and if I could do it. I accepted and hung up.
Next, I phoned Eric.
"Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... how's my beautiful and extra gorgeous big sis doing?"
"I'm good, but jeez, you can't imagine what I was up to..." I told him all about my day.
"You being as smart as you are, did you think it was smart going up against Carol inside her own territory?" he laughed.
His laughter was contagious. "Yeah. That was pretty stupid, but it was very very entertaining. I can't deny I had tons of fun!"
"Luce, you have fun placing with sticks and stones."
I flushed slightly. "Well... maybe I do..."
He laughed even more. "That doesn't make it wrong. You're just too cute, sis. Did you know that? I can't imagine just how entertained you get with Lilo when you let her out."
He was blatantly laughing at me. I crossed my arms. "Ha-Ha-Ha. Hey, you spoiled little brat... I have something to ask you."
"What?" and it sounded like he had been laughing so much he had tears in his eyes.
"Do you think I'm a hypocrite?"
"Hell no! Why would you say something like that?"
"Well, two people have said it to me already and well, I don't think so, but i'm not going to be attacking myself either, you know? You're always too honest with how you think."
"Lucille, I AM honest, and even though I love you crazily, I'd be honest with you. You're not a hypocrite, and if someone's calling you that maybe it's out of jealousy. You know how smart and sexy you are? Well, if they can't compete with you they'll try to hurt you. Don't mind them. People are supposed to love people they way they are. If they can't accept you, fuck them good."
"You're assuming these people were women... what if I told you they were men?"
"A real man wouldn't call a woman A HYPOCRITE and if he did, show 'em to me, cause I'll kick their ass until they're yelling for their mommy."
I laughed. "You do know how to make me feel better."
"But I will tell you this. You can't expect everyone to like you. You might be willing to make an effort and meet halfway with the people you meet, but others might not be wanting to do that effort. It's not bad that you like people and that you want to get along with them, but not everyone agrees to that. Inevitably, people will not like you. You shouldn't be discouraged by this. All the contrary, stand on your two feet proudly. You're a Delton!"
I smiled into the phone. "And I'm very proud to be one."
"So don't change. I love you, sis."
"I love you too, bro."
"Good. So... would you like some pasta for dinner? I'm thinking of taking your baby out for a ride and we might just go visit you at Milan."
"It sounds like a wonderful idea. I'll get dressed."
Survey
So this is the second time I'm called a hypocrite. It pissed me off. I saw red. For a second, I thought of jumping across the table and pulling her hair. Why? Because I don't understand this reason why I'm a hypocrite.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of hypocrite is "a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings". So these people, the ones I've always said I admire call me a hypocrite? Haven't I always stated how incredible they are? Insecure I can deal with. I can deal with pathetic. I can deal with whore. But a hypocrite? Just because I like people. Just because I deem to see the good side of everyone. What is the necessity of having to be a bitch? It both depresses me to no avail and angers me like there's no tomorrow. I didn't want to belong to their group. I didn't want to belong with them or anyone else. Being part of the group is just further secluding people. I don't understand people. I just don't.
Anyways. I'm thinking that the best I can do is just keep on fighting for my beliefs. Not the sad little dimwit I was. If I want to be myself, if I choose to try and get along with people, then I have to confront whatever people say and prove that I'm not a hypocrite. Quite the contrary. I shall defend my convictions!
To distract myself I decided I would fill in some kind of survey and pass time like that:
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of hypocrite is "a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings". So these people, the ones I've always said I admire call me a hypocrite? Haven't I always stated how incredible they are? Insecure I can deal with. I can deal with pathetic. I can deal with whore. But a hypocrite? Just because I like people. Just because I deem to see the good side of everyone. What is the necessity of having to be a bitch? It both depresses me to no avail and angers me like there's no tomorrow. I didn't want to belong to their group. I didn't want to belong with them or anyone else. Being part of the group is just further secluding people. I don't understand people. I just don't.
Anyways. I'm thinking that the best I can do is just keep on fighting for my beliefs. Not the sad little dimwit I was. If I want to be myself, if I choose to try and get along with people, then I have to confront whatever people say and prove that I'm not a hypocrite. Quite the contrary. I shall defend my convictions!
To distract myself I decided I would fill in some kind of survey and pass time like that:
| Name | Lucille Marie Delton Alexandier |
| Birthday | December 8th |
| Birthplace | Montreal, Canada |
| Zodiac sign | Sagittarius |
| Shoe size | 7 1/2 |
| Skinny/Average/Pleasantly plump/FAT | Skinny |
| Righty/Lefty | Righty |
| Can you afford to lose weight | I put the fit in "Fitness" |
| Fave part of your body | My breasts |
| Least fave part of your body | None. I like my body. |
| Fave part on the opposite sex | MUST I answer? Well, to be honest: lips |
| Biggest Turn-On | Being dirty talked through whispers against my ear |
| Biggest Turn-Off | Stupidity |
| Describe the perfect date | Romantic ROMANTIC at the beach at night. |
| Top 4 qualities you look for in the opposite sex | Smart, Funny, Caring, Dominant |
| First Kiss | Don't remember |
| Are you dating anyone | Yes |
| If not, do you wish you were | |
| Who | Ethan Stokes |
| Ever kissed a member of the same sex | Yes |
| Current Crush | Ethan Stokes |
| If someone really liked you, would you want them to tell you | Yes |
| Long distance relationship or no relationship | No relationship (it's not fair the other way around) |
| Coke or Pepsi | Coke |
| Cars or Trucks | Cars |
| Cats or Dogs | Dogs |
| Hot or Cold | Hot, always hot. |
| Pants or shorts | Shorts |
| Long sleeves or short sleeves | Shorts (but depends on the occassion) |
| What are you wearing right now | My pajama |
| What are you listening to | The Monsters Inc. move on TV |
| If you could have one wish, what would it be | I rather not say... :P |
| What is your favorite season | Autumn |
| What is your favorite type of music | Pop |
| Do you have a website | Yes. www.lucilledeltonstudio.com |
| Have you ever been in love | Yes |
| How many times | So far? Twice. |
| With who | Michelangelo Stocker and Christian Percy |
| Do you like camping | I think it's fun! |
| Do you like theme parks | Love them! |
| Indoors or Outdoors | Both |
| Favorite type of movie | Romantic Comedy |
| 3 names you might name your son | Ryan (have no idea about the other two) |
| 3 names you might name your daughter | Michaela, Elizabeth, Alexia |
| How many kids do you want | 2 or 3 |
| What age do you want to get married | 26 or 27 |
| What age do you want to have your first kid | 28 |
| Do you have any siblings | Yes |
| How many | 1 |
| What pets do you have (if any) | A goldfish (Nemo) and a ferret (Lilo) |
| T.V. or Computer | Computer |
| Do you play an instrument | No |
| Do you speak more than one language | Yes. Eight. |
| What are your 3 favorite sports | Archery, Gymnastics, Soccer |
| How many posters are on your wall | None |
| Hardwood floor or carpet in your bedroom | Hardwood floor |
| Is your room messy or tidy | Tidy |
| Would you let your crush or b/f in your room | Yes |
| Do you like to burp | No |
| Top 5 favorite foods | Risotto, Penne, Raviolli, Lasagna, Maccarroni |
| Have you been on stage in the last month | No |
| How many best friends do you have | One |
| Would you rather go to the movies or rent a movie | Rent |
| When was your last date | yesterday |
| 3 Favorite things to do at home | Draw, Cook, and Computer |
| Swimming in the ocean or a pool | Ocean |
| Are you confident | Slightly moving towards confident |
| Do you like to take risks | Yes |
| Favorite subject in high school | Math |
| Least favorite subject in high school | None |
| Are you in high school | No, thank God. |
| Clothes shopping or grocery shopping | Clothes shopping |
| Do you have a job | Yes |
| Do you drive | Yes |
Little Girl
Today I went out to the movies to watch "Julie & Julia". I personally LOVED it, though some of the people within my group had vastly dissenting opinions. I decided I would buy the book the minute the movie was done. And I did! You see, I live on my own, and I cook my own dinners (sometimes lunch) and I find enormous pleasure in cooking. I also like cooking for the people I love and watching their faces change as they savour the food. It brings me so much pleasure. Nonetheless, I won't ever take cooking as a profession!! It requires so much time and dedication!! What I do is just for hobbie!
But... I can't wait to cook the beef bourguinon!! Or that delicious looking DUCK! I'm looking forward to it!
Changing the subject entirely, I've been so much better these days. I think life is moving at a steady pace and every time I'm about to get even the slightest bit down I imagine I'm a ninja headed for a secret mission and I have no time to be beating myself for the smallest of things. I'm happy. Things are working out for me at the store, things are working out in the friends department (kinda), and well, things are kinda working out in the relationship department. Okay, so it's not all working out through and through, but I'm on it. I'm doing the best I can.
Changing the subject again (yes, I'm quite the ADD girl, aren't I?), I still can't decide what I want to make for Halloween. I have plenty of options: bumblebee, pirate, goddess, angel, butterfly. I still haven't decided. The thing is, I make my own costumes, I design them, carefully make them and that way I ensure they are unique beyond belief. I don't take on orders on making them, because it's not something I commercially do, I just do it for myself. I have a beautiful idea for the butterfly costume, that's why I think i'm going for that, but I'm still not 100% sure.
A lot of people are dressing up as couples! :O I'm very much amazed (in a good way, mind you). Carol and Leo are quite a scandal wanting to go as priest and nun. Oh what the hell, Carol hasn't stepped inside a church for years, it doesn't count as blasphemy if you don't really believe in it all the way (though she says she does).
During a period of my life, I was very much like Kyle. I dated more than half the boys in the school and never broke up with them in a way that we were anything but friends. I still see some of my exes and they hug me and laugh and we take pictures and remember old times. I'm still wondering what I was thinking back then. I see those years from afar, as though another person had lived in my skin. I had a lot of sex and partied hard. I don't regret it either. I'm glad I did it, because you're supposed to be stupid during your teenage years. What I find hard to believe is that most of it seems like dreamlike. Maybe I should've taken some more time in actually trying to have a relationship. I know, it sounds like much regret, but this is just me thinking through. I was crowned queen of prom not because I had any real relationships, but because I was held as the most popular, utterly amazing girl, yet no one really bothered to get to know me. After high school was over and done, the whole thing seems like the scene of a movie you just saw once and barely remember, though you know it did happen.
My problem might be that I'm too nice it's almost not genuine. I say "SIGH" to this. I have my outburts, but I don't really dislike anyone. Maybe I don't know people enough to dislike them, but I like to think I'm like Julia Child! She was happy and nice with everyone and the only person who disliked her was that bloody director of Le Cordon Bleu. But... she was admirable!! People loved loved her. And she said so herself, that she really didn't dislike anyone (except the director). It's hard to dislike people when you find something splendid in each and ever one. It's hard to dislike someone, when you think that they might have their own reason, their own way of being. I'm so naive. I barely understand these hardcore interactions between people. I don't understand much because I lack the experience. And I lack the experience because I was too afraid to get hurt. Nonetheless I was hurt, life continues, and we all have to keep fighting. I didn't want to be seen as someone who hurt the rest. I wanted to be loved and cherished and thought of like a person who gave it her best and made it through. I wanted to be a source of inspiration. I wanted people to look at me and think 'now she's a shining star, she's a nice girl'.
And guess what? I'm none of those things. I'm just Lucille. But a vast amount of people hold me as incredibly talented. Others call me a bed goddess. Others refer to me as a porcelain doll. And I humbly think that I don't deserve the nicknames, but I accept them. I'm in love with these incredible people that keep me going. I cherish the fact that they see me as someone that they look up to. These are not the people that know me and share with me on a day to day basis, but they are customers, and exes, and people who I've shared moments with, that tell me that I did, in fact, change them for the better. To these people, I am very grateful. They fill me with joy.
Even the smallest of details will make me happy. Incredibly happy.
I'm just me. I'm complex, but at the same time, it's not all that hard to understand me. I'm pulling through, I'm one of you. I'm alive and trying to make it. I won't fail, I won't get discouraged. I'm a fighter. :) Bare with me.
But... I can't wait to cook the beef bourguinon!! Or that delicious looking DUCK! I'm looking forward to it!
Changing the subject entirely, I've been so much better these days. I think life is moving at a steady pace and every time I'm about to get even the slightest bit down I imagine I'm a ninja headed for a secret mission and I have no time to be beating myself for the smallest of things. I'm happy. Things are working out for me at the store, things are working out in the friends department (kinda), and well, things are kinda working out in the relationship department. Okay, so it's not all working out through and through, but I'm on it. I'm doing the best I can.
Changing the subject again (yes, I'm quite the ADD girl, aren't I?), I still can't decide what I want to make for Halloween. I have plenty of options: bumblebee, pirate, goddess, angel, butterfly. I still haven't decided. The thing is, I make my own costumes, I design them, carefully make them and that way I ensure they are unique beyond belief. I don't take on orders on making them, because it's not something I commercially do, I just do it for myself. I have a beautiful idea for the butterfly costume, that's why I think i'm going for that, but I'm still not 100% sure.
A lot of people are dressing up as couples! :O I'm very much amazed (in a good way, mind you). Carol and Leo are quite a scandal wanting to go as priest and nun. Oh what the hell, Carol hasn't stepped inside a church for years, it doesn't count as blasphemy if you don't really believe in it all the way (though she says she does).
During a period of my life, I was very much like Kyle. I dated more than half the boys in the school and never broke up with them in a way that we were anything but friends. I still see some of my exes and they hug me and laugh and we take pictures and remember old times. I'm still wondering what I was thinking back then. I see those years from afar, as though another person had lived in my skin. I had a lot of sex and partied hard. I don't regret it either. I'm glad I did it, because you're supposed to be stupid during your teenage years. What I find hard to believe is that most of it seems like dreamlike. Maybe I should've taken some more time in actually trying to have a relationship. I know, it sounds like much regret, but this is just me thinking through. I was crowned queen of prom not because I had any real relationships, but because I was held as the most popular, utterly amazing girl, yet no one really bothered to get to know me. After high school was over and done, the whole thing seems like the scene of a movie you just saw once and barely remember, though you know it did happen.
My problem might be that I'm too nice it's almost not genuine. I say "SIGH" to this. I have my outburts, but I don't really dislike anyone. Maybe I don't know people enough to dislike them, but I like to think I'm like Julia Child! She was happy and nice with everyone and the only person who disliked her was that bloody director of Le Cordon Bleu. But... she was admirable!! People loved loved her. And she said so herself, that she really didn't dislike anyone (except the director). It's hard to dislike people when you find something splendid in each and ever one. It's hard to dislike someone, when you think that they might have their own reason, their own way of being. I'm so naive. I barely understand these hardcore interactions between people. I don't understand much because I lack the experience. And I lack the experience because I was too afraid to get hurt. Nonetheless I was hurt, life continues, and we all have to keep fighting. I didn't want to be seen as someone who hurt the rest. I wanted to be loved and cherished and thought of like a person who gave it her best and made it through. I wanted to be a source of inspiration. I wanted people to look at me and think 'now she's a shining star, she's a nice girl'.
And guess what? I'm none of those things. I'm just Lucille. But a vast amount of people hold me as incredibly talented. Others call me a bed goddess. Others refer to me as a porcelain doll. And I humbly think that I don't deserve the nicknames, but I accept them. I'm in love with these incredible people that keep me going. I cherish the fact that they see me as someone that they look up to. These are not the people that know me and share with me on a day to day basis, but they are customers, and exes, and people who I've shared moments with, that tell me that I did, in fact, change them for the better. To these people, I am very grateful. They fill me with joy.
Even the smallest of details will make me happy. Incredibly happy.
I'm just me. I'm complex, but at the same time, it's not all that hard to understand me. I'm pulling through, I'm one of you. I'm alive and trying to make it. I won't fail, I won't get discouraged. I'm a fighter. :) Bare with me.
Restart
THREE DAYS AGO...
"Tell me about your father."
That sentence broke me out of my stupor. Entirely. It was as potent as a shot of Red Bull. I stared at Dr. Roselyn a full minute before I spoke.
"Really? REALLY?" I squealed slightly, trying to act cute and get rid of of the sudden uncomfortable feeling that had dawned upon me.
"Yes Really." She fixed her glasses. For a psychologist, she dressed right on. She had beautiful gold earrings that matched her hair. Her green, very penetrating eyes, stared at me intently. I liked her. I really liked her. She was nice, but this was the first time we were alone in a room. Usually we were having group discussions, which made it much easier to share just about anything. I sighed.
"I don't know where to start."
"Wherever you feel comfortable starting." she smiled at me "I'm sure you'll get the getgo the moment you start. You're a pretty good talker."
And that I was. Problem was that half of it was just random stuff I sorta included into the package to justify that I was happy and opening my mouth and emitting sounds because of it. I sobered.
"He was tall. And he had reddish hair. He didn't talk much, but he was really smart. He was my grandmother's favorite son." For a moment I paused, and then the words just came blurting out. "I hated him because he never cared for me. He just kept me there and fed me out of obligation. He never really looked at me. I was always trying to impress him, but he would just brush me off and said he had more important matters to attend to. I never understood why I wasn't as good as Eric until I grew up a bit more... but... I always thought I deserved the same level of attention. He didn't want me. Until I proved I could be useful. I gave him the best possible excuse to sent me away... and he did. As soon as he could."
"How often did you see your parents?"
"Twice a year. Maybe. Sometimes it was just once a year. Other times we got to see each other four times. It all depended, but it was never more than five."
She nodded briefly. "Do you understand why I'm asking you about this?"
"Because you think that my BPD has something to do with the fact that I was neglected and ignored as a child. You think that because I lacked wanting and love as a child, I am desperately searching for it now. I am searching for a reason to be complete yet I already am."
"And what do you think about this?"
"That it's crap and talking about either my parents is not worth my time." I crossed my arms, angry.
She laughed and took off her glasses. "Lucille... you are incredibly smart. Or no, how should I say this... as the great Sheldon Cooper once said, you'd have to loose several IQ points to be considered smart. Your tests intelligence tests reveal incredible results, yet your emotional tests.... I don't need to inform you how those are."
"Hey! I bet they're not as bad as they were before........! .............are they?"
"No, they're not." she shook her head "You have great potential, but you feel misunderstood, alone. You feel as though no one understands you, as though no one wants to be with you. You feel alone. The whole world is caving in on you and you just think 'why am I fighting this alone? Why isn't there someone with me to help me in this battle?' I will tell you this, Lucille. You are not alone. You should know that and look around yourself to understand that. Quite the contrary. I think you have an arsenal of people from what you've told me. Take a minute. Close your eyes. Tell me what you desire most in the moment right now..."
I closed my eyes. What DID I desire the most in the world at that very moment. I sighed again. "A family..."
And right then and there something hit me hard in the head. "OUCH, WHAT THE---" I turned.
"Idiot!" Eric frowned down at me. "You already have ONE."
My eyes widened from pure shock. "Wha...!? But..." I stared from him to the doctor, to Eric, then again to the doctor "How did you know I would..."
She winked at me, as she stood up "I'm good, aren't I?" she walked towards the door and said "I'll leave you two alone a while..." And left promptly afterward.
"Did it ever occur to you that I would want to be THE first to know what you were going through!? Why didn't you tell me! Why didn't you call me!?"
"Because I DID call you, Eric! I called you and you told me you were busy and didn't have the time."
"WHEN THE HELL DID I SAY THAT!?"
"A month ago, when I asked you to come over because I was lonely."
It suddenly seem to hit him what I was talking about. "I... shit." he seemed to be looking for the right words to say. "God... I didn't think it was that important. I mean, if you'd told me that you suffered something like Borderline Personality Disorder I would've rushed..."
"I didn't have to tell YOU." I silenced him "You're always telling me how you love me and will protect me, but when I really need you, you're conveniently never there."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean!? I've had millions of problems and I'm never calling you to help me solve them! I mean, where have YOU been!"
"CONVENIENTLY outside your door. I was there when Christine broke your heart, I was there when Caterina left, I was there when you broke up with Veronique. And you know it. You know you've always had the big sister right there. Well, guess what, Eric, I'm completely broken. And the moments you care, I'm either connected to an IV in a clinic or inside a psych's office."
We stared at each other.
He was the first to sigh, stand up and sit next to me. "I will never, EVER, understand women. You seem to have a labyrinth inside your mind and inside that one you have another one even more complex than the first."
I also sighed and held on to his hand and placed my head against his shoulder. "I feel so lost. I hurt all over. Every time I think I'm doing some progress, this shit just backfires. Why do I feel like I have absolutely nowhere to belong?"
"I can't really answer that for you. But maybe it's the way you cope. When mom and dad died, you were like a statue. In fact, people said you were in a total state of shock."
"And yet when grandpa died I was crying all over."
"Maybe because he was actually nice to you."
I looked at him.
"Yeah, I know our parents were shitty. I mean, they were SHITTIER to you than to me, but that doesn't mean they weren't shitty to me too."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Are you kidding? Finally I get to be with my most adored sister in the world, I wasn't going to talk about problems with you! I personally just pretended it was you and me in the family and everything was alright."
I laughed. "It was much easier when we were kids."
He squeezed my hand, then took it and kissed it. "I love you. More than anything in the whole world, you're like my number ONE ONE." he smiled happily at me "I know you're sensible and you feel broken and sometimes one little thing can mean the end of the world to you, but I'm here, Luce. I'm not going anywhere anytime. But I need you to tell me. I need you to give me a call and allow me to appear and save you. If I had super powerful hearing and could hear you shout out for help, then I wouldn't need it. However, I'm not superman, I need you to tell me things. Nonetheless. You're STRONG. You were a Director in the INTERPOL, you BUILT a plane, you COOK and make the coolest clothing ever. You have the world at your feet. Don't let yourself be your own worst enemy. You have people who adore you, and who will willingly die for you, though, please don't go make me kill myself."
I smiled at him softly. I couldn't stop the tears. He cupped my face and kissed my forehead. "Even though you're older, I'm your taller brother, So I will protect you... though... my basic point is... You don't really need protection." he winked at me and cleared my tears. "Pull yourself together, Delton."
I laughed "I sure will, Delton."
"Oh, and I brought you you're white rat from hell thingie..."
I noticed he was carrying a very nice cage. "LILOOO!!" I squealed.
Immediately, my beautiful ferret jumped onto me.
"Can you handle this?"
"I think I can handle anything!"
TODAY---
"Match Point, LUCILLE!"
"FUCK THIS SHIT, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLE BE SO FUCKING GOOD!"
"Oh, Settle down, Earnie." Remind me to never play tennis with a squizophrenic. They really hated losing.
"You really are good." There was a girl who I had befriended in the center. Ironic much, her name was Chrissy. "It's amazing. Earnie used to be really good before he got locked up in here."
I couldn't help but laughing. "I like tennis. Really fun sport..."
"You seem to be good at everything you set your mind in doing." she said in awe.
"Why thank you. I really try my best."
"You make it seem like you're not even trying. Is that normal?"
"We're in a mental institute, is THIS normal?"
She laughed fondly and loudly. She was incredibly nice and you could define her as pretty much normal. She was at the institute because she had broken the windows of her boyfriend's car when she caught him cheating on her. Unfortunately they (her now ex and the bimbo he was kissing) were still in the car when she did it, which earned her a month of anger management in the institute. She had never been happier about anything else she'd ever done.
"What about you? Are you feeling like facing the world tomorrow?" she asked me
I had spent three days in the institute voluntarily. I know it was crazy, but being around crazy people was slightly relaxing. You weren't weird and you realized some people were way off worst than you.
"I think I'll do fine. I'm leaving in a little while."
"Well, I think you've made a lot of progress, honestly. I mean, I totally support you. I love your clothing. You might as well keep designing, so I can keep buying."
I smirked. "We just made a new addition to the store. It's become a really cool place."
"And hey, if you need to talk with someone, I'm totally you're amiga. Nothing like a mental institute to create an everlasting bonding friendship."
I laughed. "True! I totally agree."
"Remember to always keep a balance. Normal people have a certain type of balance within their own personalities. Too much 'nice' and you'll end up getting hurt. Too much 'bitch' and they'll probably throw you off a cliff!"
"Worry not! I already jumped off a bridge!"
And we laughed. Oh man, the stupidity, but these lousy days were just fine.
"Anyways, tonight I'm going to prepare a special dinner."
"For a special someone?"
"Maybe" I laughed "Maybe not!"
"Will it be for that hunk of your brother!? He's SOOOO hot."
"And happily in a very stable and bizarre but extraordinary relationship."
"Oh bummer, all the good ones are taken."
"Or gay!"
"Yeah!"
"Like SAMMY!!"
"Like Sammy. yep."
We stared at each other and laughed again.
"I don't think you're crazy." she gave me two thumbs up.
I hugged her. "Thank you, C!" I smiled happily.
"Go get 'em, Foxy!"
I winked, as I ran to my room to get my stuff. "They'll never know what got 'em!"
"Tell me about your father."
That sentence broke me out of my stupor. Entirely. It was as potent as a shot of Red Bull. I stared at Dr. Roselyn a full minute before I spoke.
"Really? REALLY?" I squealed slightly, trying to act cute and get rid of of the sudden uncomfortable feeling that had dawned upon me.
"Yes Really." She fixed her glasses. For a psychologist, she dressed right on. She had beautiful gold earrings that matched her hair. Her green, very penetrating eyes, stared at me intently. I liked her. I really liked her. She was nice, but this was the first time we were alone in a room. Usually we were having group discussions, which made it much easier to share just about anything. I sighed.
"I don't know where to start."
"Wherever you feel comfortable starting." she smiled at me "I'm sure you'll get the getgo the moment you start. You're a pretty good talker."
And that I was. Problem was that half of it was just random stuff I sorta included into the package to justify that I was happy and opening my mouth and emitting sounds because of it. I sobered.
"He was tall. And he had reddish hair. He didn't talk much, but he was really smart. He was my grandmother's favorite son." For a moment I paused, and then the words just came blurting out. "I hated him because he never cared for me. He just kept me there and fed me out of obligation. He never really looked at me. I was always trying to impress him, but he would just brush me off and said he had more important matters to attend to. I never understood why I wasn't as good as Eric until I grew up a bit more... but... I always thought I deserved the same level of attention. He didn't want me. Until I proved I could be useful. I gave him the best possible excuse to sent me away... and he did. As soon as he could."
"How often did you see your parents?"
"Twice a year. Maybe. Sometimes it was just once a year. Other times we got to see each other four times. It all depended, but it was never more than five."
She nodded briefly. "Do you understand why I'm asking you about this?"
"Because you think that my BPD has something to do with the fact that I was neglected and ignored as a child. You think that because I lacked wanting and love as a child, I am desperately searching for it now. I am searching for a reason to be complete yet I already am."
"And what do you think about this?"
"That it's crap and talking about either my parents is not worth my time." I crossed my arms, angry.
She laughed and took off her glasses. "Lucille... you are incredibly smart. Or no, how should I say this... as the great Sheldon Cooper once said, you'd have to loose several IQ points to be considered smart. Your tests intelligence tests reveal incredible results, yet your emotional tests.... I don't need to inform you how those are."
"Hey! I bet they're not as bad as they were before........! .............are they?"
"No, they're not." she shook her head "You have great potential, but you feel misunderstood, alone. You feel as though no one understands you, as though no one wants to be with you. You feel alone. The whole world is caving in on you and you just think 'why am I fighting this alone? Why isn't there someone with me to help me in this battle?' I will tell you this, Lucille. You are not alone. You should know that and look around yourself to understand that. Quite the contrary. I think you have an arsenal of people from what you've told me. Take a minute. Close your eyes. Tell me what you desire most in the moment right now..."
I closed my eyes. What DID I desire the most in the world at that very moment. I sighed again. "A family..."
And right then and there something hit me hard in the head. "OUCH, WHAT THE---" I turned.
"Idiot!" Eric frowned down at me. "You already have ONE."
My eyes widened from pure shock. "Wha...!? But..." I stared from him to the doctor, to Eric, then again to the doctor "How did you know I would..."
She winked at me, as she stood up "I'm good, aren't I?" she walked towards the door and said "I'll leave you two alone a while..." And left promptly afterward.
"Did it ever occur to you that I would want to be THE first to know what you were going through!? Why didn't you tell me! Why didn't you call me!?"
"Because I DID call you, Eric! I called you and you told me you were busy and didn't have the time."
"WHEN THE HELL DID I SAY THAT!?"
"A month ago, when I asked you to come over because I was lonely."
It suddenly seem to hit him what I was talking about. "I... shit." he seemed to be looking for the right words to say. "God... I didn't think it was that important. I mean, if you'd told me that you suffered something like Borderline Personality Disorder I would've rushed..."
"I didn't have to tell YOU." I silenced him "You're always telling me how you love me and will protect me, but when I really need you, you're conveniently never there."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean!? I've had millions of problems and I'm never calling you to help me solve them! I mean, where have YOU been!"
"CONVENIENTLY outside your door. I was there when Christine broke your heart, I was there when Caterina left, I was there when you broke up with Veronique. And you know it. You know you've always had the big sister right there. Well, guess what, Eric, I'm completely broken. And the moments you care, I'm either connected to an IV in a clinic or inside a psych's office."
We stared at each other.
He was the first to sigh, stand up and sit next to me. "I will never, EVER, understand women. You seem to have a labyrinth inside your mind and inside that one you have another one even more complex than the first."
I also sighed and held on to his hand and placed my head against his shoulder. "I feel so lost. I hurt all over. Every time I think I'm doing some progress, this shit just backfires. Why do I feel like I have absolutely nowhere to belong?"
"I can't really answer that for you. But maybe it's the way you cope. When mom and dad died, you were like a statue. In fact, people said you were in a total state of shock."
"And yet when grandpa died I was crying all over."
"Maybe because he was actually nice to you."
I looked at him.
"Yeah, I know our parents were shitty. I mean, they were SHITTIER to you than to me, but that doesn't mean they weren't shitty to me too."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Are you kidding? Finally I get to be with my most adored sister in the world, I wasn't going to talk about problems with you! I personally just pretended it was you and me in the family and everything was alright."
I laughed. "It was much easier when we were kids."
He squeezed my hand, then took it and kissed it. "I love you. More than anything in the whole world, you're like my number ONE ONE." he smiled happily at me "I know you're sensible and you feel broken and sometimes one little thing can mean the end of the world to you, but I'm here, Luce. I'm not going anywhere anytime. But I need you to tell me. I need you to give me a call and allow me to appear and save you. If I had super powerful hearing and could hear you shout out for help, then I wouldn't need it. However, I'm not superman, I need you to tell me things. Nonetheless. You're STRONG. You were a Director in the INTERPOL, you BUILT a plane, you COOK and make the coolest clothing ever. You have the world at your feet. Don't let yourself be your own worst enemy. You have people who adore you, and who will willingly die for you, though, please don't go make me kill myself."
I smiled at him softly. I couldn't stop the tears. He cupped my face and kissed my forehead. "Even though you're older, I'm your taller brother, So I will protect you... though... my basic point is... You don't really need protection." he winked at me and cleared my tears. "Pull yourself together, Delton."
I laughed "I sure will, Delton."
"Oh, and I brought you you're white rat from hell thingie..."
I noticed he was carrying a very nice cage. "LILOOO!!" I squealed.
Immediately, my beautiful ferret jumped onto me.
"Can you handle this?"
"I think I can handle anything!"
TODAY---
"Match Point, LUCILLE!"
"FUCK THIS SHIT, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLE BE SO FUCKING GOOD!"
"Oh, Settle down, Earnie." Remind me to never play tennis with a squizophrenic. They really hated losing.
"You really are good." There was a girl who I had befriended in the center. Ironic much, her name was Chrissy. "It's amazing. Earnie used to be really good before he got locked up in here."
I couldn't help but laughing. "I like tennis. Really fun sport..."
"You seem to be good at everything you set your mind in doing." she said in awe.
"Why thank you. I really try my best."
"You make it seem like you're not even trying. Is that normal?"
"We're in a mental institute, is THIS normal?"
She laughed fondly and loudly. She was incredibly nice and you could define her as pretty much normal. She was at the institute because she had broken the windows of her boyfriend's car when she caught him cheating on her. Unfortunately they (her now ex and the bimbo he was kissing) were still in the car when she did it, which earned her a month of anger management in the institute. She had never been happier about anything else she'd ever done.
"What about you? Are you feeling like facing the world tomorrow?" she asked me
I had spent three days in the institute voluntarily. I know it was crazy, but being around crazy people was slightly relaxing. You weren't weird and you realized some people were way off worst than you.
"I think I'll do fine. I'm leaving in a little while."
"Well, I think you've made a lot of progress, honestly. I mean, I totally support you. I love your clothing. You might as well keep designing, so I can keep buying."
I smirked. "We just made a new addition to the store. It's become a really cool place."
"And hey, if you need to talk with someone, I'm totally you're amiga. Nothing like a mental institute to create an everlasting bonding friendship."
I laughed. "True! I totally agree."
"Remember to always keep a balance. Normal people have a certain type of balance within their own personalities. Too much 'nice' and you'll end up getting hurt. Too much 'bitch' and they'll probably throw you off a cliff!"
"Worry not! I already jumped off a bridge!"
And we laughed. Oh man, the stupidity, but these lousy days were just fine.
"Anyways, tonight I'm going to prepare a special dinner."
"For a special someone?"
"Maybe" I laughed "Maybe not!"
"Will it be for that hunk of your brother!? He's SOOOO hot."
"And happily in a very stable and bizarre but extraordinary relationship."
"Oh bummer, all the good ones are taken."
"Or gay!"
"Yeah!"
"Like SAMMY!!"
"Like Sammy. yep."
We stared at each other and laughed again.
"I don't think you're crazy." she gave me two thumbs up.
I hugged her. "Thank you, C!" I smiled happily.
"Go get 'em, Foxy!"
I winked, as I ran to my room to get my stuff. "They'll never know what got 'em!"
I can see your Halo
I got a new pet!! Her name is Lilo (pronounced like the "Li"from Lie)!! Aint's she cute?
Eric came by to meet her and she BIT him. Now he calls her the "white ferret from hell". I told him that was a mean thing to say and congratulated her for biting him yet again.
For some reason Lilo saw Ashley and ran away from her terrified.
"THAT STUPID RAT!? WHAT THE HELL!!" She stomped her feet. But eventually they met halfway and primate love came through and now they get along.
Leo kept his distance. We all laughed because we thought he was scared, but it turns out he's slightly allergic to animal fur, including in the packet ferrets. So he smiled and kept his distance.
Carol fell in love with the ferret but it also bit her, so she immediately joined Eric's club.
I've had her for two days now and I'm very happy. I think I've done a good job taking care of her. She hasn't bit me. I mean, the occassional nibble, but that's normal with ferrets. She's very playful and a great companion. I'm glad I chose her as a pet.
Oh, she also bit Sammy.
She really is cute!! Tee-hee!
Eric came by to meet her and she BIT him. Now he calls her the "white ferret from hell". I told him that was a mean thing to say and congratulated her for biting him yet again.For some reason Lilo saw Ashley and ran away from her terrified.
"THAT STUPID RAT!? WHAT THE HELL!!" She stomped her feet. But eventually they met halfway and primate love came through and now they get along.
Leo kept his distance. We all laughed because we thought he was scared, but it turns out he's slightly allergic to animal fur, including in the packet ferrets. So he smiled and kept his distance.
Carol fell in love with the ferret but it also bit her, so she immediately joined Eric's club.
I've had her for two days now and I'm very happy. I think I've done a good job taking care of her. She hasn't bit me. I mean, the occassional nibble, but that's normal with ferrets. She's very playful and a great companion. I'm glad I chose her as a pet.
Oh, she also bit Sammy.
She really is cute!! Tee-hee!
Compromise
This morning I got up unusually early and decided to devote my day to fixing and organizing my stuff at the store. Generally, as designer's do, I keep all my sketches sprawled over the desk, designs everywhere, clothing here and there, but in the chaos there is order. Nonetheless, I decided to organize all the papers I might have. I prefer to have a database in my computer and have all the information there. I am, after all, a computer freak, aka, a nerd.
Anyways, I set out to put some things in order. I started with the random pieces of cloths everywhere, organized the clothing and then I reached my desk. I organized receipts, placed item orders inside a file, and basically spent time doing an inventary of what I did and did not have.
Among the papers I found there were random sketches where I drew a beautiful dress and in the top of the page I'd write "wear this for Christian" and a little heart next to his name. I stared at the two or three pieces of work where that happened and eventually crumpled them up and threw them in the trash can. Those were designs of a time that would not repeat itself, and it should stay where it belonged: the past. I found many things like these, simple gestures like cookie recipes that I had to try out for him that I was sure he would enjoy. I found some of the receipts from baskets I'd bought to decorate and give to him. I even went so far as to finding pretty ideas for dinner and romance tips.
I took ALL of it, threw it in the trash can and then, taking care not to do a mess, turned on a match and set it on fire. I sat in front of the burning material for some minutes, maybe mourning what would never happy, thinking that maybe it was all too much and too little really happened, thinking that maybe I shouldn't have done this or that or whatever. I still felt slightly heart broken, but the smell of burning paper reminded me that whatever had happened, had happened and period. It was long gone.
I wasn't that sad anymore. In fact, I was feeling slightly hopeful that one day I would really look back and shake my head at all of this smiling. Maybe I WAS too intense, maybe my insecurities got the best of me, maybe I still needed to learn how to balance my own feelings. I had to stop going to extremes, I had to stop being so sensible about everything, I had to grow up so much more and become someone that would be able to cope without feeling like her world was coming down. This is who Lucille Delton was, a slight mess with the hopes of becoming something so much bigger than what she gave herself credit for.
As the fire extinguished I felt confident that I no longer had to hold on to what might have been, but I could perfectly create a better will be.
I eventually finished doing all I had to do and turned off the lights. No more regrets... I would pull through, I could... I would believe in myself.
Anyways, I set out to put some things in order. I started with the random pieces of cloths everywhere, organized the clothing and then I reached my desk. I organized receipts, placed item orders inside a file, and basically spent time doing an inventary of what I did and did not have.
Among the papers I found there were random sketches where I drew a beautiful dress and in the top of the page I'd write "wear this for Christian" and a little heart next to his name. I stared at the two or three pieces of work where that happened and eventually crumpled them up and threw them in the trash can. Those were designs of a time that would not repeat itself, and it should stay where it belonged: the past. I found many things like these, simple gestures like cookie recipes that I had to try out for him that I was sure he would enjoy. I found some of the receipts from baskets I'd bought to decorate and give to him. I even went so far as to finding pretty ideas for dinner and romance tips.
I took ALL of it, threw it in the trash can and then, taking care not to do a mess, turned on a match and set it on fire. I sat in front of the burning material for some minutes, maybe mourning what would never happy, thinking that maybe it was all too much and too little really happened, thinking that maybe I shouldn't have done this or that or whatever. I still felt slightly heart broken, but the smell of burning paper reminded me that whatever had happened, had happened and period. It was long gone.
I wasn't that sad anymore. In fact, I was feeling slightly hopeful that one day I would really look back and shake my head at all of this smiling. Maybe I WAS too intense, maybe my insecurities got the best of me, maybe I still needed to learn how to balance my own feelings. I had to stop going to extremes, I had to stop being so sensible about everything, I had to grow up so much more and become someone that would be able to cope without feeling like her world was coming down. This is who Lucille Delton was, a slight mess with the hopes of becoming something so much bigger than what she gave herself credit for.
As the fire extinguished I felt confident that I no longer had to hold on to what might have been, but I could perfectly create a better will be.
I eventually finished doing all I had to do and turned off the lights. No more regrets... I would pull through, I could... I would believe in myself.
Plunging
I jumped off a bridge.
Yeah. I know... sounds wicked right?
Veronique and I had a big fight. I went and meddled. I did it because I care. I DO care. I'm not dumb. I might pretend to be stupid sometimes and flash big eyes to get my way, but I'm definitely not dumb. I am DENSE. Yes, I am. I can get into anyone's pants, but not so easily into their hearts.
So here's how my mind works (yes, I think I'm beginning to understand).
I told Nathan that I didn't want to have sex with him, not because I had used him and was done with it, but because I didn't want to go to that place with him. I mean, no matter how you color that, I know it gives off a bad taste. I just expected he would understand. I'm not betraying him, I'm not sending him to hell. I'm not disposing of him. I want to be his friend, but not like that. ~sighs~ I ended up falling into Caroline's category of "persona non grata" nonetheless. I hope one day he can understand that I didn't use him like he thinks women use him. Nathaniel, you didn't "SAVE" me. If anyone saved me it was actually Rudyard who is MY THERAPIST. What I meant to say is that my friends: Marie, Vero, you, gave me hope. I thought that was supposed to be encouraging and it was to create a bond or something. Again, sorry for being wrong.
As for the fight, I'm a dumb matchmaking girl. I thought there was hope among hope and I have my right to believe in these things, even though if that might anger you or bemuse you, Nathan. Ever since I was little, I saw Kyle and Marie as a golden couple. And that failed. I wish I could help Marie get back her love, her life, because she deserves it. She's a great person, she loved him, and I'm sure he loved her. I'm not meddling because I write it on my blog, right? Okay. Clearing that out. That THEY broke apart is like an "OMG sign is there hope for any of us!?" And then, there's Veronique. I admire her so much. Like really. That's a real woman. I love her so very much too, she might not even expect that. I want what's best for her too. And every time I see her, I know that she still loves you, Nathan.... Ah!
I thought with Vero because I hurt Nathan. And I jumped off ( AN ARTIFICIAL TOTALLY SAFE BRIDGE I EVEN HAD SPARE CLOTHING IN THE CAR) to blow off the steam. I needed to plunge down into cold cold water and free myself from the stress. That's the thing about me, adrenaline makes me feel alive. I can't handle stress therefore I go out there, break the limits. I don't like fighting. I don't like people yelling at me. I don't like feeling broken or breaking people. I want peace, I want there to be good relationships among us all, even if it's not possible. I know life goes on and people get mad and hurt and sometimes they never speak to each other again. Why?
Even with Christian. Right now, I can't bear to talk with him, I'm close to the point of hating him for hurting me and for choosing Nathaniel so obviously over me. I was the girlfriend, I was supposed to open his heart, but I didn't. Maybe I was also jealous that I couldn't. But as I swam in the freezing cold water I realized I wanted to be his friend one day too. Even if it took me some while, I wanted to one day talk to him and laugh, and leave all these memories in the past. I don't want anger. I want happiness. I want forgiveness. Is that bad?
Innocent? Dense? Dumb? Stupid? Maybe. But it's my belief, it's my way. Inside this hell called loneliness I think we can all survive by holding on to each other.
That's why I'm sad that Nathaniel thinks that I used him. That's why I'm sad that I didn't quite reach him and he's gone far off, away from me and placed me right inside that category with the most selfish person on this Earth. I want to change that and prove myself. I'm not giving up. I know I can't pull through on my own. I still need guidance, but I have the will to fight and get to places. I might get angry and hurt, but I can make it.
Ayyyyy... ~sighs~ I'm sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Yeah. I know... sounds wicked right?
Veronique and I had a big fight. I went and meddled. I did it because I care. I DO care. I'm not dumb. I might pretend to be stupid sometimes and flash big eyes to get my way, but I'm definitely not dumb. I am DENSE. Yes, I am. I can get into anyone's pants, but not so easily into their hearts.
So here's how my mind works (yes, I think I'm beginning to understand).
I told Nathan that I didn't want to have sex with him, not because I had used him and was done with it, but because I didn't want to go to that place with him. I mean, no matter how you color that, I know it gives off a bad taste. I just expected he would understand. I'm not betraying him, I'm not sending him to hell. I'm not disposing of him. I want to be his friend, but not like that. ~sighs~ I ended up falling into Caroline's category of "persona non grata" nonetheless. I hope one day he can understand that I didn't use him like he thinks women use him. Nathaniel, you didn't "SAVE" me. If anyone saved me it was actually Rudyard who is MY THERAPIST. What I meant to say is that my friends: Marie, Vero, you, gave me hope. I thought that was supposed to be encouraging and it was to create a bond or something. Again, sorry for being wrong.
As for the fight, I'm a dumb matchmaking girl. I thought there was hope among hope and I have my right to believe in these things, even though if that might anger you or bemuse you, Nathan. Ever since I was little, I saw Kyle and Marie as a golden couple. And that failed. I wish I could help Marie get back her love, her life, because she deserves it. She's a great person, she loved him, and I'm sure he loved her. I'm not meddling because I write it on my blog, right? Okay. Clearing that out. That THEY broke apart is like an "OMG sign is there hope for any of us!?" And then, there's Veronique. I admire her so much. Like really. That's a real woman. I love her so very much too, she might not even expect that. I want what's best for her too. And every time I see her, I know that she still loves you, Nathan.... Ah!
I thought with Vero because I hurt Nathan. And I jumped off ( AN ARTIFICIAL TOTALLY SAFE BRIDGE I EVEN HAD SPARE CLOTHING IN THE CAR) to blow off the steam. I needed to plunge down into cold cold water and free myself from the stress. That's the thing about me, adrenaline makes me feel alive. I can't handle stress therefore I go out there, break the limits. I don't like fighting. I don't like people yelling at me. I don't like feeling broken or breaking people. I want peace, I want there to be good relationships among us all, even if it's not possible. I know life goes on and people get mad and hurt and sometimes they never speak to each other again. Why?
Even with Christian. Right now, I can't bear to talk with him, I'm close to the point of hating him for hurting me and for choosing Nathaniel so obviously over me. I was the girlfriend, I was supposed to open his heart, but I didn't. Maybe I was also jealous that I couldn't. But as I swam in the freezing cold water I realized I wanted to be his friend one day too. Even if it took me some while, I wanted to one day talk to him and laugh, and leave all these memories in the past. I don't want anger. I want happiness. I want forgiveness. Is that bad?
Innocent? Dense? Dumb? Stupid? Maybe. But it's my belief, it's my way. Inside this hell called loneliness I think we can all survive by holding on to each other.
That's why I'm sad that Nathaniel thinks that I used him. That's why I'm sad that I didn't quite reach him and he's gone far off, away from me and placed me right inside that category with the most selfish person on this Earth. I want to change that and prove myself. I'm not giving up. I know I can't pull through on my own. I still need guidance, but I have the will to fight and get to places. I might get angry and hurt, but I can make it.
Ayyyyy... ~sighs~ I'm sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I messed up
I messed up. Again.
I hurt feelings, apparently I've proved theories, I'm such an evil person and I feel terrible for it. I want to crawl inside my room and never go out. I don't understand people. I don't want the pain. I want to go into a place, dark enough where no one can find me, where no one can save me. So what if I believe in love? So what if I believe in the light at the end of the tunnel? I'm surrounded by stars, but they never reach me. I try to fight for something, but I just end up messing it up more and more. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to get rid of your feelings, or trample on them. I don't want to and if I ended up doing so, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I keep disappointing my friends, and in doing so I just disappoint myself. I refuse to believe that I can't remedy this, but I'm not strong. I don't have the faith that I will be forgiven.
God I feel so rotten I want to throw up. I look at Eric and he can be a bulldog and feel okay with it. Caroline's a bitch and she can walk away unscratched. Ashley will climb buildings. And I don't know what *I* can do. I can't deal with the fact that I cause pain. I can't deal with the fact that I've done wrong to someone else, especially when I was trying to help. I can't deal with that, because I meant for it to be okay.
Tonight I'm not going to the bloody party, I'm going to fucking kill myself.
I hurt feelings, apparently I've proved theories, I'm such an evil person and I feel terrible for it. I want to crawl inside my room and never go out. I don't understand people. I don't want the pain. I want to go into a place, dark enough where no one can find me, where no one can save me. So what if I believe in love? So what if I believe in the light at the end of the tunnel? I'm surrounded by stars, but they never reach me. I try to fight for something, but I just end up messing it up more and more. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to get rid of your feelings, or trample on them. I don't want to and if I ended up doing so, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I keep disappointing my friends, and in doing so I just disappoint myself. I refuse to believe that I can't remedy this, but I'm not strong. I don't have the faith that I will be forgiven.
God I feel so rotten I want to throw up. I look at Eric and he can be a bulldog and feel okay with it. Caroline's a bitch and she can walk away unscratched. Ashley will climb buildings. And I don't know what *I* can do. I can't deal with the fact that I cause pain. I can't deal with the fact that I've done wrong to someone else, especially when I was trying to help. I can't deal with that, because I meant for it to be okay.
Tonight I'm not going to the bloody party, I'm going to fucking kill myself.
New Colors
I have changed the blog display entirely. I even changed the old fishies and the new ones are multicolored. They look so pretty I spent fifteen minutes staring at them before I remembered I had entered the site to write a new entry.
The main reason why I updated is because my friend, Marie, couldn't comment on the previous template. And I'm really thankful she pinpointed that fact, and i'm also glad I ended up changing the previous layout. This one looks so pretty. I'm really happy!
I'm listening to Miley Cyrus. I really like her "The Climb" song. It is rather inspirational. You know, now that I think about it, I own a Pink Beetle, I like Hannah Montana and I'm a fashion freak.... I'm quite a specimen, aren't I?
God, help me. I REALLY don't want to hurt people. I actually like humanity. I have faith we can get along some day (even if on occassion I will burst into the usual 'I'm so disappointed' at things tantrum). I'm working on this though. I wish we could all get along. I wish we could all forgive and be forgiven. I wish we could work together for a better tomorrow. I really doooo tryyy to do my beeest! It's not my fault if I screw up! I hope everyone knows that I really mean no harm! I'm innocenttt! T___T
Anyways, this morning I went to my usual bakery place (as I do every day) and afterward I spent the whole day at work. Only at night did I drive by Marie's, but there was a crisis over there, I helped in what I could and afterwards left back to my place. I just finished getting dressed and I'm planning to have fun tonight. I want to steadily move forward. I believe i'm going to make it. I'm glad I'm loved. I'm happy that I've found friends in both Vero and Marie. I hope I can grow into a better person with each day and that I don't disappoint them.
I'm going to make it. Slowly, steadily, I'm seeing a bright future ahead. I'm a little scared, but it'll be alright (or so I tell myself every day).
Please pray for me! :D
The main reason why I updated is because my friend, Marie, couldn't comment on the previous template. And I'm really thankful she pinpointed that fact, and i'm also glad I ended up changing the previous layout. This one looks so pretty. I'm really happy!
I'm listening to Miley Cyrus. I really like her "The Climb" song. It is rather inspirational. You know, now that I think about it, I own a Pink Beetle, I like Hannah Montana and I'm a fashion freak.... I'm quite a specimen, aren't I?
God, help me. I REALLY don't want to hurt people. I actually like humanity. I have faith we can get along some day (even if on occassion I will burst into the usual 'I'm so disappointed' at things tantrum). I'm working on this though. I wish we could all get along. I wish we could all forgive and be forgiven. I wish we could work together for a better tomorrow. I really doooo tryyy to do my beeest! It's not my fault if I screw up! I hope everyone knows that I really mean no harm! I'm innocenttt! T___T
Anyways, this morning I went to my usual bakery place (as I do every day) and afterward I spent the whole day at work. Only at night did I drive by Marie's, but there was a crisis over there, I helped in what I could and afterwards left back to my place. I just finished getting dressed and I'm planning to have fun tonight. I want to steadily move forward. I believe i'm going to make it. I'm glad I'm loved. I'm happy that I've found friends in both Vero and Marie. I hope I can grow into a better person with each day and that I don't disappoint them.
I'm going to make it. Slowly, steadily, I'm seeing a bright future ahead. I'm a little scared, but it'll be alright (or so I tell myself every day).
Please pray for me! :D
La Buena Vida
Did I mention that I speak various languages? Well, this entry is in Spanish because I just saw a movie from Chile and I'm inspired to write it like that so...
Tuve la oportunidad de ir al cine con mis tios. Fue una experiencia algo extraña puesto que más que una opción se trataba de una obligación familiar. La sala del cine se encontraba repleta; no podía creer que hubiese tantas personas en un festival.
Fue así como la película terminó y me dejó apabullada, deprimida, frustrada, empapada en la tristeza de cuatros extraños que vivían para nunca alcanzar sus objetivos. Se trata de "La Buena Vida", pero realmente no es más que LA vida. Excelente cinematografía, mas en un mundo de tantas preocupaciones era de poca delicadeza. Tan real, tan brusco, que no recobré mi aliento hasta que llegué a salir de la sala. Pocas palabras pueden describir el sentimiento. Ya no me siento triste, no obstante sigo pensando en la película. Y es que la vida viene de tantos sabores y muy pocas veces logramos nuestros objetivos. Después sólo queda la muerte. Y entonces ya dejamos de existir y quienes fuimos queda en el corazón de quienes nos amaron.
Anyways, over that's it for the movie. I think it was beautiful. Sad, but beautiful. We don't always get what we want, but while we're alive, we have to make it count.
True true true.
Tuve la oportunidad de ir al cine con mis tios. Fue una experiencia algo extraña puesto que más que una opción se trataba de una obligación familiar. La sala del cine se encontraba repleta; no podía creer que hubiese tantas personas en un festival.
Fue así como la película terminó y me dejó apabullada, deprimida, frustrada, empapada en la tristeza de cuatros extraños que vivían para nunca alcanzar sus objetivos. Se trata de "La Buena Vida", pero realmente no es más que LA vida. Excelente cinematografía, mas en un mundo de tantas preocupaciones era de poca delicadeza. Tan real, tan brusco, que no recobré mi aliento hasta que llegué a salir de la sala. Pocas palabras pueden describir el sentimiento. Ya no me siento triste, no obstante sigo pensando en la película. Y es que la vida viene de tantos sabores y muy pocas veces logramos nuestros objetivos. Después sólo queda la muerte. Y entonces ya dejamos de existir y quienes fuimos queda en el corazón de quienes nos amaron.
Anyways, over that's it for the movie. I think it was beautiful. Sad, but beautiful. We don't always get what we want, but while we're alive, we have to make it count.
True true true.
Zero Passive-Agressiveness
Yes... Zero Passive-Agressiveness, that was the title, but now that I started writing the blog I suddenly feel tired and lazy. Well, I've had a lot of work these days. I've had interviews from differente fashion magazines, I've had a lot of people petitioning me new dresses. I've also had to design some shoots. It has been nonstop. Plus, I've had some shoots myself. I was speaking to Tyra this morning and she tells me she wants me to be a special judge in the Oct. 12th week, but I told her it would be impossible for me, because I have this big conference in Washington. Yeah. Busy lady this time around.
I'm so tired, it's not even funny.
I have also gone out EVERY day of the week. Why? Because I'm having fun. I'm enjoying myself. I go out either with Vero, Marie, Samuel, friends from the industry, models, etc. It's highly entertaining and I get to relax.
I don't have a boyfriend. People seem to have this wrong idea that they OWN me or something, which they DON'T. I don't deny it. I want to have a boyfriend, therefore if you know someone who's interested in a hot, smart, knows how to cook, designer, knows about computers etc. girl, then please approach me at once. Meanwhile, I'm just not in any type of compromise right now. And this is the entire truth.
I'm not being mean, I don't want to hurt feelings, I don't want to get my feelings hurt, this is totally true.
Tonight I'm going to the movies. Can't wait.
Did I mention? I have a lot of work? yes?
haha! Must go! :D
I'm so tired, it's not even funny.
I have also gone out EVERY day of the week. Why? Because I'm having fun. I'm enjoying myself. I go out either with Vero, Marie, Samuel, friends from the industry, models, etc. It's highly entertaining and I get to relax.
I don't have a boyfriend. People seem to have this wrong idea that they OWN me or something, which they DON'T. I don't deny it. I want to have a boyfriend, therefore if you know someone who's interested in a hot, smart, knows how to cook, designer, knows about computers etc. girl, then please approach me at once. Meanwhile, I'm just not in any type of compromise right now. And this is the entire truth.
I'm not being mean, I don't want to hurt feelings, I don't want to get my feelings hurt, this is totally true.
Tonight I'm going to the movies. Can't wait.
Did I mention? I have a lot of work? yes?
haha! Must go! :D
Excuse Me, Pardon Me
I'm doing therapy with Rudyard. It has helped. I've decided to take things slowly and calmly. I've discovered that every time I go through one of those crazy adrenaline phases I end up back in blue land feeling all down. That had to change. I'm trying to create true bonds, and I'm talking things out. My passive agressive behaviour does not allow me to grow, therefore I'm trying to be more outspoken.
I went drinking with Vero just two days ago and have been spending a lot of time with Marie. I've also been talking more and more with Samuel and I think I'm steadily getting better. I love danger, I love experiences that give you a new high, but I do that because I'm trying to cover for the things I don't do.
I'm officially back into the store, I'm designing again. I'm painting again. I decided to paint my room and just draw and enjoy the sweet little things of life. Slowly, casually, this time I'm making it right. I love modelling. I love art. I love creating. Therefore I'm also working on reestructuring a bit. It's currently two stories big, but we're building a whole new studio so that Samuel can do the photography too. I was even thinking of expanding it to include a model agency. The plans are there. I was talking with a friend of mine who's an architect and he'll be working on that soon enough. I think it's a very good idea.
Ashley Vasser (yeah, you all know her I'm sure) asked me to be in one of her videos.
"Huh? You're kidding me!" I gasped. I was both excited and honored!
"Lucille..." she smirked "Couldn't think of anyone better to fill in the part for fragile porcelain doll who's about to break but's waiting for a prince to save her."
I frowned. That was mean, but she did have a point. Who cared!? I was going to be in an Overdose video! Fantastic! :) I totally agreed.
And today was a good day. Caroline was supposed to present her thesis, but it got moved to next week. She was so relieved she fainted. I had been invited to some coffee to celebrate the happy news. It was nice to be back in Canada for the day.
"I SWEAR, I was going to CRY out of sheer happiness!" Carol laughed.
"I heard something about there being a possibility of it getting published?" I asked
"YESSSSSS!! That makes me HAPPY as FUCK!"
"Caroline was so nervous she was literally shaking ALL night. She was begging me to give her something to soothe her down. Geez, I'd never seen someone become such a wreck for such a little thing." My cousin Leo sat next to her and brushed his wife's hair.
"LITTLE? You call a DOCTORAL thesis LITTLE? This is the biggest thing that will ever happen to me!"
Eric laughed "Not to mention, it raises her paycheck a good 40%"
"EXACTLY! Not the same to have a PHD than just a JD!"
"PHD, JD, PD, LD = Pretty Huge Dick, Junior Dick, petite dick, little dick, all sounds the same to me." Ash smirked
"That's great coming from you, Mrs 'I'm a total musician with my Berklee degrees'." Carol stuck her tongue at her. They were cousins.
"Well, I think it's pretty commendable." I intervened "Writing almost 400 pages of pure shit is quite a task!"
Everyone laughed, except Carol "HA-HA-HA!" but then she smiled happily.
Yes. This was one of THOSE days. When everyone is feeling slightly better and things seem to be cool and calm.
"Hey! I heard Mr. A-hole pulled a new one! He's suddenly in love with RORY? Isn't that hardcore?" Ash asked. "He actually broke up with Vero and I think he finally ended up breaking Marie's heart once more. What was left of it anyways." Ashley = Marie lover.
"Well!" Carol in defense of her best friend shushed her up "He's found true love. You should know how THAT feels like. I, for one, am happy for him. We all have to seek our own happiness, even though that sounds selfish, it's TRUE."
"True? I don't think Kyle understands what's going on inside his head, less alone inside his cold and wretched HEART!"
Carol stood up, eyes flaring. "That's MY BEST FRIEND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"
"MARIE'S MY FRIEND! You might want to justify being selfish, but that doesn't mean he aught to be stepping over people's feelings like that! And God, I can't believe it, I'm saying this in Vero's name too! HER SISTER? Her PERFECT, parents adore her sister? That's like LAME-O!"
"Who died and made YOU the saviour of the PEOPLE! What are you now? You evolved into the simian version of Jesus!?"
Green eyes ignited. "What did you call me?"
This was highly entertaining, but if we didn't want to get kicked out of the restaurant I had better stop them. Leo and Eric were trying to, but as it usually happens with men, they were useless. Quietly, but with brute strength I pulled them both down and took a sip of my tea. They stared at me.
"What?" I blinked. They couldn't believe I had interrupted their tirade. "Listen. Neither of you can fight their battles. You both want happiness for the people you each love. However, we have to create a balance. Fighting for a loved one, wanting to avenge a loved one sometimes might lead to more fighting. Fighting just leads to hate and then we won't get anywhere. Therefore, we must be supportful. It's the only thing we can do."
I saw Ash gawking at me. Carol blinked several times. They each took a gulp from their respective beverages.
Eric crossed his arms. "Being supportful, huh... sounds like a plan."
Leo was sitting next to me and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and whispered. "Nice going cousin, you have calmed the beasts." he winked at me.
"I think we all just want support and lots of love in the end. I'm glad they can defend someone like that. They care so much and they're not afraid to show it. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Express my feelings in that way."
"Well, you're not them. And believe me, I'm glad you aren't. Besides... you have a bigger challenge before you. Before you can love someone to such extremes, you have to appreciate yourself. But, being the way you are is not bad at all."
I looked at him, our similar blue eyes meeting. "You think so?"
"I know so." he smiled "I love you and believe in you. You are not alone, baby cousin."
I smiled happily. Among them all I felt really happy.
"AWWW, LUCY's BLUSHING SO CUTEEEELY!" Ash shouted
And we laughed some more. I had to return home soon enough, but I wish our time together wouldn't end.
I went drinking with Vero just two days ago and have been spending a lot of time with Marie. I've also been talking more and more with Samuel and I think I'm steadily getting better. I love danger, I love experiences that give you a new high, but I do that because I'm trying to cover for the things I don't do.
I'm officially back into the store, I'm designing again. I'm painting again. I decided to paint my room and just draw and enjoy the sweet little things of life. Slowly, casually, this time I'm making it right. I love modelling. I love art. I love creating. Therefore I'm also working on reestructuring a bit. It's currently two stories big, but we're building a whole new studio so that Samuel can do the photography too. I was even thinking of expanding it to include a model agency. The plans are there. I was talking with a friend of mine who's an architect and he'll be working on that soon enough. I think it's a very good idea.
Ashley Vasser (yeah, you all know her I'm sure) asked me to be in one of her videos.
"Huh? You're kidding me!" I gasped. I was both excited and honored!
"Lucille..." she smirked "Couldn't think of anyone better to fill in the part for fragile porcelain doll who's about to break but's waiting for a prince to save her."
I frowned. That was mean, but she did have a point. Who cared!? I was going to be in an Overdose video! Fantastic! :) I totally agreed.
And today was a good day. Caroline was supposed to present her thesis, but it got moved to next week. She was so relieved she fainted. I had been invited to some coffee to celebrate the happy news. It was nice to be back in Canada for the day.
"I SWEAR, I was going to CRY out of sheer happiness!" Carol laughed.
"I heard something about there being a possibility of it getting published?" I asked
"YESSSSSS!! That makes me HAPPY as FUCK!"
"Caroline was so nervous she was literally shaking ALL night. She was begging me to give her something to soothe her down. Geez, I'd never seen someone become such a wreck for such a little thing." My cousin Leo sat next to her and brushed his wife's hair.
"LITTLE? You call a DOCTORAL thesis LITTLE? This is the biggest thing that will ever happen to me!"
Eric laughed "Not to mention, it raises her paycheck a good 40%"
"EXACTLY! Not the same to have a PHD than just a JD!"
"PHD, JD, PD, LD = Pretty Huge Dick, Junior Dick, petite dick, little dick, all sounds the same to me." Ash smirked
"That's great coming from you, Mrs 'I'm a total musician with my Berklee degrees'." Carol stuck her tongue at her. They were cousins.
"Well, I think it's pretty commendable." I intervened "Writing almost 400 pages of pure shit is quite a task!"
Everyone laughed, except Carol "HA-HA-HA!" but then she smiled happily.
Yes. This was one of THOSE days. When everyone is feeling slightly better and things seem to be cool and calm.
"Hey! I heard Mr. A-hole pulled a new one! He's suddenly in love with RORY? Isn't that hardcore?" Ash asked. "He actually broke up with Vero and I think he finally ended up breaking Marie's heart once more. What was left of it anyways." Ashley = Marie lover.
"Well!" Carol in defense of her best friend shushed her up "He's found true love. You should know how THAT feels like. I, for one, am happy for him. We all have to seek our own happiness, even though that sounds selfish, it's TRUE."
"True? I don't think Kyle understands what's going on inside his head, less alone inside his cold and wretched HEART!"
Carol stood up, eyes flaring. "That's MY BEST FRIEND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"
"MARIE'S MY FRIEND! You might want to justify being selfish, but that doesn't mean he aught to be stepping over people's feelings like that! And God, I can't believe it, I'm saying this in Vero's name too! HER SISTER? Her PERFECT, parents adore her sister? That's like LAME-O!"
"Who died and made YOU the saviour of the PEOPLE! What are you now? You evolved into the simian version of Jesus!?"
Green eyes ignited. "What did you call me?"
This was highly entertaining, but if we didn't want to get kicked out of the restaurant I had better stop them. Leo and Eric were trying to, but as it usually happens with men, they were useless. Quietly, but with brute strength I pulled them both down and took a sip of my tea. They stared at me.
"What?" I blinked. They couldn't believe I had interrupted their tirade. "Listen. Neither of you can fight their battles. You both want happiness for the people you each love. However, we have to create a balance. Fighting for a loved one, wanting to avenge a loved one sometimes might lead to more fighting. Fighting just leads to hate and then we won't get anywhere. Therefore, we must be supportful. It's the only thing we can do."
I saw Ash gawking at me. Carol blinked several times. They each took a gulp from their respective beverages.
Eric crossed his arms. "Being supportful, huh... sounds like a plan."
Leo was sitting next to me and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and whispered. "Nice going cousin, you have calmed the beasts." he winked at me.
"I think we all just want support and lots of love in the end. I'm glad they can defend someone like that. They care so much and they're not afraid to show it. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Express my feelings in that way."
"Well, you're not them. And believe me, I'm glad you aren't. Besides... you have a bigger challenge before you. Before you can love someone to such extremes, you have to appreciate yourself. But, being the way you are is not bad at all."
I looked at him, our similar blue eyes meeting. "You think so?"
"I know so." he smiled "I love you and believe in you. You are not alone, baby cousin."
I smiled happily. Among them all I felt really happy.
"AWWW, LUCY's BLUSHING SO CUTEEEELY!" Ash shouted
And we laughed some more. I had to return home soon enough, but I wish our time together wouldn't end.
Recovery
The best thing about Milan Fashion Week is the fact that you barely have time to think. There are models to deal with, clothing flying from here to there, stress, photographs, press etc. It seems to be endless, the huge amount of things I must do. Though I model, I also design and my designs are highly acclaimed. I'm glad about that. People like my clothing. They like what I do. They applaud me for it. After all the huge amoust of work, I guess it pays off.
"What are you doing out here?" Samuel approached me from behind.
I was sitting at the fountain. It was dark outside and there was no one around. I just wanted the peace and quiet.
"You look like a mess." Sammy sat there next to me.
Yes, well, after running from here to there I felt like crawling over and just dying. My mascara was slightly blotched, I'd lost the lipstick, I had taken off my heels. I felt just like how I looked: a disaster. Fashion week itself was more like an obligation. I was thankful that I had to be pushed to do it, but I couldn't deny that I was down on the slumps. I was trying to fight through, I was trying to see the light. I was doing all that I could not to develop an alter personality that would serve as an escape to all the problems I was facing.
"Are you smoking?" Samuel gasped.
I was. It was de-stressing. It took away any semblance of hunger I might have, which allowed me to have more time to do more things. And smoking was also semi-smoothing.
"Helloooooooo... are you there? I'm TALKING to you?"
I looked at him and then shook my head. "I'm here. Barely, but here nonetheless."
He stared at me. "You know. You don't have to do this if you don't like it; the whole fashion week thing, I mean."
"I do like it."
"You look positively miserable! Sure, in there you're all smiles and thrills but I know you better!"
I sighed. "I like it. I just feel overall miserable with my life, alright?"
"And why is that?"
"A lot of reasons. I'm already talking it all out with Rudyard and such." I looked down "I just feel stuck, and ready to just give up. Why... no matter what I do, I always come back to square one and end up feeling like shit. I love you and you're my best friend, but I feel like I'm closed up in this far away place... and I just want to run and get away from it all. Why can't I just be happy? I want to be happy. I want to be accepted and loved and cared for and protected. I don't want to feel like a burden, like I'm a failure at everything I do...." I wanted to cry. AGAIN. I was so pathetic.
Sammy wrapped an arm around me. "You are ever the perfectionist. Happiness doesn't happen in ONE second. You can't have it all. It's okay..." he sighed and placed a hand on my head "you're greatest problem is that you do everything and hence you're not satisfied by one thing. Hey, it's okay if you fail, it's okay if you feel like shit, we all do. You already do enough. As for loving you and accepting you and protecting you, I'm here for you. And I'll always be. I know you're in a dark place. You're trying to desperately swim through. Just, take things slowly, you'll figure it out. You're smart, sexy, beautiful, and you will figure it out."
I smiled at him. "Thanks."
"No, I know you too well. You don't really need me to tell you this. You have me, and you know it. I know you're thankful for it, but it's not enough for you. You need actions, you really do need someone who will shake some sense into you, and I'm not really that person. I'm your confident, you're amigo, but I can only get so far."
"That's not..."
"That's exactly it." He laughed good naturedly "I'm more like your go to GIRL than the kind of person you need right now. But it's alright, Lucille." he grabbed my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "I'm not going to let you fall. I'm not going to let you go into that place you say you might end up. You might be free to give up on yourself, but I surely am not giving up on you."
I hugged him. "I know."
"Know then." he grabbed my arm, threw the cigarrette from my mouth and took out various makeup items from his pocket. "I'm not letting your HOT ass freeze in this place." he rapidly placed a bunch of products in my face and murmured "Perfecto."
I laughed as he pulled me towards the show. "Lucille, smile, you're the face of this fashion week, you're my star. Shine."
When I went back in I was truly smiling. I really thank him for not letting go.
"What are you doing out here?" Samuel approached me from behind.
I was sitting at the fountain. It was dark outside and there was no one around. I just wanted the peace and quiet.
"You look like a mess." Sammy sat there next to me.
Yes, well, after running from here to there I felt like crawling over and just dying. My mascara was slightly blotched, I'd lost the lipstick, I had taken off my heels. I felt just like how I looked: a disaster. Fashion week itself was more like an obligation. I was thankful that I had to be pushed to do it, but I couldn't deny that I was down on the slumps. I was trying to fight through, I was trying to see the light. I was doing all that I could not to develop an alter personality that would serve as an escape to all the problems I was facing.
"Are you smoking?" Samuel gasped.
I was. It was de-stressing. It took away any semblance of hunger I might have, which allowed me to have more time to do more things. And smoking was also semi-smoothing.
"Helloooooooo... are you there? I'm TALKING to you?"
I looked at him and then shook my head. "I'm here. Barely, but here nonetheless."
He stared at me. "You know. You don't have to do this if you don't like it; the whole fashion week thing, I mean."
"I do like it."
"You look positively miserable! Sure, in there you're all smiles and thrills but I know you better!"
I sighed. "I like it. I just feel overall miserable with my life, alright?"
"And why is that?"
"A lot of reasons. I'm already talking it all out with Rudyard and such." I looked down "I just feel stuck, and ready to just give up. Why... no matter what I do, I always come back to square one and end up feeling like shit. I love you and you're my best friend, but I feel like I'm closed up in this far away place... and I just want to run and get away from it all. Why can't I just be happy? I want to be happy. I want to be accepted and loved and cared for and protected. I don't want to feel like a burden, like I'm a failure at everything I do...." I wanted to cry. AGAIN. I was so pathetic.
Sammy wrapped an arm around me. "You are ever the perfectionist. Happiness doesn't happen in ONE second. You can't have it all. It's okay..." he sighed and placed a hand on my head "you're greatest problem is that you do everything and hence you're not satisfied by one thing. Hey, it's okay if you fail, it's okay if you feel like shit, we all do. You already do enough. As for loving you and accepting you and protecting you, I'm here for you. And I'll always be. I know you're in a dark place. You're trying to desperately swim through. Just, take things slowly, you'll figure it out. You're smart, sexy, beautiful, and you will figure it out."
I smiled at him. "Thanks."
"No, I know you too well. You don't really need me to tell you this. You have me, and you know it. I know you're thankful for it, but it's not enough for you. You need actions, you really do need someone who will shake some sense into you, and I'm not really that person. I'm your confident, you're amigo, but I can only get so far."
"That's not..."
"That's exactly it." He laughed good naturedly "I'm more like your go to GIRL than the kind of person you need right now. But it's alright, Lucille." he grabbed my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "I'm not going to let you fall. I'm not going to let you go into that place you say you might end up. You might be free to give up on yourself, but I surely am not giving up on you."
I hugged him. "I know."
"Know then." he grabbed my arm, threw the cigarrette from my mouth and took out various makeup items from his pocket. "I'm not letting your HOT ass freeze in this place." he rapidly placed a bunch of products in my face and murmured "Perfecto."
I laughed as he pulled me towards the show. "Lucille, smile, you're the face of this fashion week, you're my star. Shine."
When I went back in I was truly smiling. I really thank him for not letting go.